First Christmas Alone

[GrokkingAmbivert]

It's Christmas Eve and I've been dreading tomorrow for the past 2 months. I prepared for the worst feelings, and I usually expect the worst, but I didn't expect this.

The *only* good memories & having traditions I ever had were of Christmas morning. Even though they got worse over the past few years, as a child it was the only day when everyone was pleasant to each other. My boyfriend invited me to his house, but it's his family is very is the epitome of codependency and additions (and add in millions of dollars & women gossiping about husbands who've cheated), so I didn't think the atmosphere would have been a safe and comfortable place for me.

But, now I'm alone. Besides my bf, I have one friend who has stuck with me through all of my terror and pain. But now I'm alone. My brothers are at home with my family and mothers parents. My brothers are over a decade younger (14 & 16). My family didn't invite me.

I'm trying to binge watch netflix, take walks & make relaxing baths but the tears don't stop. I'm not hysterical, just heartbroken and lonely. I know it will pass. If I wasn't sad, I think that would be a bad sign. I'm suppose to grieve. Just wish I wasn't alone.

 

[Deleted member 28845]

I'm alone too. Supposedly I "ruined" Christmas because it was an alcohol free night at my parents house. My sister died last month. They don't get to interrupt me having a drink.

 

[Alex87477]

Just know this, you are never truly alone. I didnt like christmas one bit before. However the one i fell in love with and supported made me absolutely excited for it, unfortunately shes gone and likely wont come back. Although i hope and pray that she does. I wish i couldnt say i can relate in terms of pain in knowing that this day is something generall positive i cant lie and say its not negative. Instead of sitting at home ive decided to do something that makes me feel great, which is helping people. Taking shifts on the ambulance so that I can actually do that. Id say if you're in need of a good feeling, volunteer. Help someone, I know it defies all meaning of altruism but impacting someone on any day truly does make you feel a million times better. Above all else, know, no matter how dark it may get or how bad it may seem, you are NEVER alone.

 

[illusionist]

Hi Reaganlove....My partner and I were talking about Christmas day and he was talking about the normal things people remember, but like you, I remember Christmas day as a day of being able to relax a little bit as the mood was better...It wasn't the anticipation of being spoilt with presents etc .....just a day of being able to relax a little bit.
It is hard, I have spent many a Christmas day on my own and just had to ease my emotions as thinking of it as just another day and knowing it will be soon over....there's no easy answer.I am sure there will be people hanging out on chat tomorrow, so maybe you can pop in and say hello to them. Take care.

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

@IbanezPanic82 I've had 4 Stella's in 2 hours. I'm not driving or anything. Idc if it's unhealthy at the moment. I never drink, and at the moment, it's the only thing keeping me from hysteria. Idk how parents can abandon their children. It's beyond my understanding or comprehension.

 

[Deleted member 28845]

Unfortunately, alcohol is a passive cure to our disease. I went a year without, I felt like a robot. No emotions. I'd rather be drunk than feel nothing.

I got in a huge fight with my family, in front of the grandchildren, it wasn't pretty. Me and my dad, he's almost 70, almost came to blows.

Doesn't help that little sister died last month. I can't deal with it right now. Alcohol free? And I was at my big sister's this morning listening to her talk on the phone about getting drunk tomorrow.

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

@richter scale that's what I've been trying to treat it like all week... Just any other day. No decorations in my house. But the lights on my neighbors houses & "Merry Christmas" texts I get from people I haven't spoken to in ages makes it hard to ignore. I'm confident that next Christmas will be better. My therapists & drs have said my partial recovery/healing in such a short amount of time is one for the medical journals. After I go through a 1-2 day hell, I come out in a brilliantly strong way. I just want it to be the 26th/27th. But thank you for the chat advice!

 

[illusionist]

Good on you!...you sound a strong, positive person. That's what it takes to kick this shit.

 

[Deleted member 28845]

@richter scale
Kick this shit? There is no "kicking" it, it's permanent. It's not alcohol or heroin, you're doing it wrong.

 

[illusionist]

I see it like a cold.....have it full blown couple of times a year..after I got to 'grips' with it. Takes a lot of work to keep it at bay but I've managed it.

 

[joeylittle]

@ReaganLove, just wanted to say I'm alone also. This is the fourth year, for me. What I can tell you is that the day will indeed come and then it will go. The only thing we can really, really count on in this world is that time keeps happening. So be gentle with yourself, cry it all out if you need to, and keep it up with the distractions. Keep writing on here whenever you need. I know how much it hurts, and I join you in eagerly awaiting the 26th.

Thinking of you.

 

[Deleted member 28845]

@everyone here, just go with it. That's what they tell you in EMDR