Relationship First isolation - what to say when he reaches out?

[brownhorse]

I am in a new relationship with a PTSD sufferer. We had a minor misunderstanding via text over the weekend when a word got swapped out by autocorrect. For me this was something minor, but it seemed to cause a big overreaction from my partner. We spoke the next day and he reassured me that everything was alright, but he seemed very distant. He then disappeared for 48 hours, previously we'd been in almost constant contact, mostly initiated by him. During this time I didn't contact him, and thankful found this forum before I caved sent multiple follow up calls/messages.

He's reached out this evening to arrange seeing me later this week, and I've agreed. His responses are still very distant.

My question is, should I continue to give him space? I'm worried that my lack of contact may lead him to think that I'm mad and upset with him.

I'd like to send a message to let him know that I've made a conscious decision to give him space, and that I'm still here if and when he's ready to talk. But I am wary of putting any pressure on him.

Can any sufferers or supporters shed any light on how they have handled the first ghosting or what they would have found most helpful from their supporter during this time. Unfortunately it isn't something we had discussed prior to this happening.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sufferer here.

My question is, should I continue to give him space?

Yes! When I am isolating, I really need to be left alone. Completely. I can do "I'm ok" text every once in a while but that's about it. If you push for contact, I will run further away. Just let him come to you. Don't worry about how it seems. If he is isolating, just let him be and let him contact you.

 

[Innordinate]

I have PTSD

My question is, should I continue to give him space?

yeah, i would continue to want space until the time i agreed to meet up or i would text more if i didnt

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... just give him space. If he wanted to talk or text more he’d be doing it.

First isolation period let him take the lead. The time for discussion is later when he’s doing better.

 

[joeylittle]

He's reached out this evening to arrange seeing me later this week, and I've agreed....I'd like to send a message to let him know that I've made a conscious decision to give him space, and that I'm still here if and when he's ready to talk.

Just based on this - and not factoring in any PTSD behavior at all - you don't need to communicate anything more to him. He reached out to arrange a time to meet, and you've agreed to meet. Anything else you need to say to each other can wait for the face to face.

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

Supporter Here.

I’ve known my guy for 6+ years. The first time he isolated (whew I have to think about this it’s been a while).. I’m sure I did everything wrong LOL
It’s likely that I sent texts, scriptures and calls. I was doing for him what worked in the past with other situations. I found out that this was the worst way to handle his moments of isolation. From his perspective, isolation is a necessity and when I interrupt, (although I think I’m helping) I’m really not..
I’ve learned to love him how he needs to be loved. When he isolated that’s his “MeTime”
I don’t know your guy but it may be a similar situation. Remember that it’s nothing personal to do with you. It’s what he needs. The most selfless thing we can do is love people how they want to be loved.

 

[Freida]

When I'm ready to talk I talk
When I'm not I don't

I don't apologize for how I behaved if its isolation - because its part of my self care. Would you apologize for putting a bandaid over a bleeding wound? Of course not. Same thing.
Give it a couple weeks once he comes back and then you can talk about how to handle it when (when - not if) it happens again, Because your reaction to his isolation is going to be a big part of his thought process on moving forward in the relationship

 

[brownhorse]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Freida has already partially answered by next question, but once communication opens up again how and when it is best to bring the subject up? Or is it really a case or waiting for him to bring it up. I’m not sure how I’m going to manage without some form of answer.

 

[Innordinate]

without actually knowing your guy, honestly...... doesn't really sound like he's done isolating. sounds like he picked thursday for your benefit not for his (just a sense i get and could be totally wrong) ...... but going on that: wait.

even not going on that: wait

takes me a few days to get out of isolation even after ive decided to people again- no, don't want any heavy conversations, those are just going to end adding pressure which will end up pissing me off.

he might just need to know (or think) you're not damaged or worried about the relationship first, and get used to that. sometimes theres a lot of guilt, embarrassment, anxiety ending isolation ..... but its individual, isolating- unique to every person. and it's not the same every time.

be on the safe side- follow his lead
listen, hear- validate

go
slllloooooooooowly

and i hope it goes well for you guys

 

[Freida]

he might just need to know (or think) you're not damaged or worried about the relationship first, and get used to that. sometimes theres a lot of guilt, embarrassment, anxiety ending isolation ..... but its individual, isolating- unique to every person. and it's not the same every time.

This!

here's another wrench for ya :hug:
I sometimes don't even know I've been isolating until hubby points it out. And then I'm like..meh. :laugh:

I think it's important to repeat that I don't feel the need to apologize after isolating. I will now - only because I've been on this site long enough for the supporters to teach me it's important to my supporters
So when he comes back like nothing has happened and you want to talk it out? What do you want him to say?
Not asking to be snarky.
Honestly curious.
Because you need to know what YOUR boundaries are before you can set any kind of plan for the next isolation.
Be specific - you are setting the ground rules for what you can tolerate and what is a no go
But understand --- the ground rules are about YOU. Not him.
Does that help?

 

[grit]

I hope you find your own way of dealing with this but I will add few nuggets of what is said already.
No one knows him or you here so how your chemistry, relationship and life mixes is really hard to predict from afar.
I recommend very strongly, you learn how to communicate clearly and set the tone for your own boundary.
If a person isolating (which is BTW not the most healthy thing in any relationships especially if there are children), and you are left to wonder if you are even in relationship, you are probably not in a relationship enough to grant the person feels they can just disappear. Most adults dated people we disappear or disappear on us, if they dated long enough. So what is the difference between isolating in a healthy relationship vs a person avoiding you (harsh but a possibility)?

If you truly want to have a decent chance of relationship with a person who is suffering with basics of boundaries, communication and intimacy, you must become your best self and develop your own way of living, finding joy, having strong identity that does not enmesh or mix easily with others (but yet strong enough to allow intimacy and generosity to love others), a full cup!
I find a lot of to times, supporters are so out of their body/mind and get lost in the person they love but who is suffering that it is hard to know who is the sufferer here?

The first time, I moved in with my husband, I had to negotiate what you call isolation (did not know the name) but I thought then that was my way of re-charging. He accepted because he had his own life full of his things and did not need me to make him into something. If he would have pushed or brood or whatever, we probably would not last this long. However, I will add I did not even know I had PTSD this bad then.

My advise to you is this: learn who you are, what you want and grow and mature healthy in your own life with therapy or with passionate pursuits or whatever else, then and only then, you may have space for a person who may require a bit more caring than you. But if you both compete who is taking care of whom, it is a battle and it is a long battle.

I wish you the best and I hope you just wait and see his face and then decide what needs to be done from your heart at that moment not preemptively take what we tell you here and confuse the situation more.

 

[Freida]

Yes! Everything @grit said! :)