Louise1988
New Here
Hello,
I can't believe I am writing this. Tomorrow - nearly 2 years after I was discharged by my previous CPN - surprising everyone that I had managed to claw myself something that sort of resembled a life away from psychiatric services - I am meeting my new CPN.
I don't know how to think about it. I always "joke" that the psychiatric services brought me up and I do know that I owe my life to their, sometimes brutal, interventions. But to go backwards makes me feel that my life will become one big risk assessment again. It will mean that there are now three professionals involved in my care. I don't know how to understand that now, in my life as it looks now.
On the other hand I feel so close to the edge all of the time. I have barely slept for 3 weeks and the voices are near constant, sometime so unpleasant that I find myself crying without any warning. I spend my whole life distracting and grounding but I can feel my resilience wearing down. Dissociation is bad and mood is low. Anxiety is high.
I am angry that the people who treated me like I was nothing. That my needs and wishes were meaningless and my autonomy and bodily integrity was theirs to use and abuse. That the people who messed with my mind and the people who then still expected me to be a "nice young lady" who was quiet and amenable at the expense of my sense of self. I am angry that they are still the people with the power and that I can still get lost in it.
I am angry that I need this help but I am more scared that it won't work, won't be enough and I those people are still stronger than me. That my brain and sense of self is still so fragile makes everything look like a shadow with nothing to grasp onto. Ultimately I am scared that I am nothing and that the last 18 months - 2 years have been no more than a child playing grown up.
Anyway I hope it is okay to post this here.
Louise
I can't believe I am writing this. Tomorrow - nearly 2 years after I was discharged by my previous CPN - surprising everyone that I had managed to claw myself something that sort of resembled a life away from psychiatric services - I am meeting my new CPN.
I don't know how to think about it. I always "joke" that the psychiatric services brought me up and I do know that I owe my life to their, sometimes brutal, interventions. But to go backwards makes me feel that my life will become one big risk assessment again. It will mean that there are now three professionals involved in my care. I don't know how to understand that now, in my life as it looks now.
On the other hand I feel so close to the edge all of the time. I have barely slept for 3 weeks and the voices are near constant, sometime so unpleasant that I find myself crying without any warning. I spend my whole life distracting and grounding but I can feel my resilience wearing down. Dissociation is bad and mood is low. Anxiety is high.
I am angry that the people who treated me like I was nothing. That my needs and wishes were meaningless and my autonomy and bodily integrity was theirs to use and abuse. That the people who messed with my mind and the people who then still expected me to be a "nice young lady" who was quiet and amenable at the expense of my sense of self. I am angry that they are still the people with the power and that I can still get lost in it.
I am angry that I need this help but I am more scared that it won't work, won't be enough and I those people are still stronger than me. That my brain and sense of self is still so fragile makes everything look like a shadow with nothing to grasp onto. Ultimately I am scared that I am nothing and that the last 18 months - 2 years have been no more than a child playing grown up.
Anyway I hope it is okay to post this here.
Louise
