SophiaWisdom
Gold Member
Hi everyone!
I had a tough week - last week I lost heat, and then last Sunday night when I put in electric heaters, the electricity starting going out.
It went out while I was IN THE TUB with the water getting cold. LOL I'm laughing b/c I'm far removed from it enough and my doctor said then next day "That's like a horror movie!" His wife has been my friend for almost 15 years so we know each other (he is one ofmy church elders.) So I had my first panic attack in 2 years! And before that I didn't have onefor another 2 years!
He prescribed me Xanax, which I tried a few days ago to help me sleep and it's AWESOME. I'm very sensitive to drugs so I take half of the lowest dose but I feel it within 60 seconds and I sleep like a log.
Today I overextended myself - 5 phone calls came at once and 2 or 3 people were texting too and I had to get on a 3-way call with the world's dumbest EDD representative (my doc prescribed me meds partially to help me with my disability claim that may or may not even work so that triggered me). After LOTS of bad news and 2 really triggering phone calls, I started to have another screaming panic attack. I only screamed for about 2-4 seconds before I found my Xanax and took a half. Then I laid down and cried until it kicked in and could call someone who gets it and vent to them until I calmed down.
It's weird b/c I'm a teetotaler who doesn't believe in caffeine even lol and won't take antibiotics or western meds (I used acupuncture to heal from the worst of the CPTSD but did take Prilosec for the gastritis for a few months at the urging of my doctor). So to love what Xanax does for me is both exhilarating but also horrifying b/c I feel like a drug addict though I've only taken like 3 half doses in the last week :p.
I know it's only temporary.
My biggest pain is how many "friends" don't get what CPTSD or panic is. I lost a friend ob Monday who trie dto chastise me for speaking my feelings about my abuser. Apparently bc iit's my mother I'm not allowed to say ANYTHING bad about how she molested me - that is UTTER BS. I'm so angry that people try to lecture or shame me or anyone else who speaks out about their abuse. We did not ask to be a helpless child with thinngs forced upon us. How dare they try to squash our truth!
Another family also cancelled our plans and have been distancing themselves from me ever since the first panic attack and while I respect them b/c I love their children so very much, it is extremely painful to see them act this way. The wife still tries to text me most days just to say hi and show her love, but after telling me to consider them family (they used to have me over for dinner regularly and I lead their children in worship dance eery week whie they play at a prayer place in town) it's very painful that they've distanced themselves and definitely kicks up my abandonment feelings.
Today I had to hang up on my friend I was having the togh call with beause I told her I needed to take a Xanax and was not in control anymore and she's been ignoring my texts since to say I as ok now and could talk tomorrow when we all go to a birthday party together. Also very painful.
I don't blame anyone for being ignorant to our plight, but it is extremely painful to feel so abandoned. I know I would learn as much as I could about things if my friends were suffering, not ice them out, but I also went to school for MFT and I get the wide range of human expression.
I'm also working on accepting all of myself in therapy (EMDR + psychodynamic/humanist blend) so I'm prioritizing just letting me be me right now. But it hurts cuz so many have abandoned me when I first got sick it makes me really look down on the human race and its inability to be compassionate to things they aren't going through.
Thanks for being here, forum!
Sophia
I had a tough week - last week I lost heat, and then last Sunday night when I put in electric heaters, the electricity starting going out.
It went out while I was IN THE TUB with the water getting cold. LOL I'm laughing b/c I'm far removed from it enough and my doctor said then next day "That's like a horror movie!" His wife has been my friend for almost 15 years so we know each other (he is one ofmy church elders.) So I had my first panic attack in 2 years! And before that I didn't have onefor another 2 years!
He prescribed me Xanax, which I tried a few days ago to help me sleep and it's AWESOME. I'm very sensitive to drugs so I take half of the lowest dose but I feel it within 60 seconds and I sleep like a log.
Today I overextended myself - 5 phone calls came at once and 2 or 3 people were texting too and I had to get on a 3-way call with the world's dumbest EDD representative (my doc prescribed me meds partially to help me with my disability claim that may or may not even work so that triggered me). After LOTS of bad news and 2 really triggering phone calls, I started to have another screaming panic attack. I only screamed for about 2-4 seconds before I found my Xanax and took a half. Then I laid down and cried until it kicked in and could call someone who gets it and vent to them until I calmed down.
It's weird b/c I'm a teetotaler who doesn't believe in caffeine even lol and won't take antibiotics or western meds (I used acupuncture to heal from the worst of the CPTSD but did take Prilosec for the gastritis for a few months at the urging of my doctor). So to love what Xanax does for me is both exhilarating but also horrifying b/c I feel like a drug addict though I've only taken like 3 half doses in the last week :p.
I know it's only temporary.
My biggest pain is how many "friends" don't get what CPTSD or panic is. I lost a friend ob Monday who trie dto chastise me for speaking my feelings about my abuser. Apparently bc iit's my mother I'm not allowed to say ANYTHING bad about how she molested me - that is UTTER BS. I'm so angry that people try to lecture or shame me or anyone else who speaks out about their abuse. We did not ask to be a helpless child with thinngs forced upon us. How dare they try to squash our truth!
Another family also cancelled our plans and have been distancing themselves from me ever since the first panic attack and while I respect them b/c I love their children so very much, it is extremely painful to see them act this way. The wife still tries to text me most days just to say hi and show her love, but after telling me to consider them family (they used to have me over for dinner regularly and I lead their children in worship dance eery week whie they play at a prayer place in town) it's very painful that they've distanced themselves and definitely kicks up my abandonment feelings.
Today I had to hang up on my friend I was having the togh call with beause I told her I needed to take a Xanax and was not in control anymore and she's been ignoring my texts since to say I as ok now and could talk tomorrow when we all go to a birthday party together. Also very painful.
I don't blame anyone for being ignorant to our plight, but it is extremely painful to feel so abandoned. I know I would learn as much as I could about things if my friends were suffering, not ice them out, but I also went to school for MFT and I get the wide range of human expression.
I'm also working on accepting all of myself in therapy (EMDR + psychodynamic/humanist blend) so I'm prioritizing just letting me be me right now. But it hurts cuz so many have abandoned me when I first got sick it makes me really look down on the human race and its inability to be compassionate to things they aren't going through.
Thanks for being here, forum!
Sophia
