Relationship First Post Here And I'm Looking For Help With Combat Veteran

[Dixie D]

Hello,

My Fiance and I have been in a relationship for 3 years, and we've known each other for 6. We are engaged to be married and he has adopted my daughter. He is a combat vet, currently still in the army and was diagnosed four years ago with PTSD. He's been on medication since, had at one time been in therapy but stopped because he felt he didn't need it anymore.

He is currently in the throes of an episode, and I am struggling with it.

Some background: He was just posted across the country. He started his new job in July, and in that time due to unforseen circumstances we have had to move twice. So altogether three moves in three months, which is highly stressful. We have one relationship issue (quite literally the only thing that has ever been a problem) and that is his lack of interest in sex.

He visited his doctor on base to address the issue (he had spoken to a doctor before but nothing has really fixed it) and she suggested a decrease of medication.

I believe this is what triggered him this time. I've only ever seen him this way once before, and it was when he quit smoking three years ago at the very beginning of our relationship. Although I knew about his ptsd diagnosis, I didn't recognize the signs.

This time the trigger was a discussion about the ongoing issue with sex drive and the fact that I am feeling neglected. He went from resentful to all out PURE ICE. It's like a switch got turned off, and any emotion or feeling is gone except for anger. And it's all directed at me.

I ask him why he's angry. What I did to make him angry. His answer is "I don't know". When I ask him what I can do to help him feel better his answer is "I don't know"... when I ask him what he wants me to do he says "Leave me alone". It's been a week. he's cold, unloving. He doesn't talk or pay attention to our daughter, or even pick up and cuddle the cats (who he adores). He seems fine around other people, and he says he's fine at work,but he says he hates coming home. When pressed and I ask him if he loves me he says he does, but doesn't know if he wants me to stay or go. He has no answers other than he wants to be left alone.

I understand that many sufferers Isolate, and it is VERY difficult for me. I am showing my support by telling him that I love him and that when he's feeling better I'm waiting for him, but the lack of any response is breaking my heart. He is normally such a lovey dovey person, super affectionate, texing little hearts and kisses from work during the day.

Now it's silent, and it's unbearable.

If there are any sufferers that can help me... tell me what I need to be doing? Do I tell him every day that I love him. Do I hug him even though he's bone rigid when I do? He says he doesn't care if I sleep in the guest room or in our bed... do I sleep in our bed?

I'm so lost. He refuses to get help, he doesn't even really accept that this is pdsd, he just thinks he's pissed off because we had an argument, but this is NOT normal behavior for someone in their right mind. Therapy is not an option for him... I guess I just have to wait him out (although I am getting help for myself and my daughter) He is an angry bitter shell of himself.. and all angry at me for no reason... or at least not one that he knows.

Can anyone shed some light?

Many thanks.
DD

 

[ill]

Mismatched sexual drives can be tricky period, and add in trauma/ptsd and it can get even trickier. I think, too, it can be especially difficult for men because they sometimes feel like if they can't have sex/meet their spouse's sexual needs, it makes them less of a man. And mental health issues can already make you feel weak/inferior and like less of a man. I've been on both sides of the coin here, and I think it's seriously, seriously important that both parties be in an emotionally healthy place to have sex. Personally, I think it's best to go at the slower partner's pace in this kind of situation.

My boyfriend is someone who needs time alone to process things and I'm someone who needs to talk through them. He used to shut down when I would press him, so eventually I learned to say: These are my feelings, these are my needs: "I love you, and I understand that you're going through a difficult time and I want to support you, but I need more physical affection/more communication/whatever it was. I know you might not be able to talk about this right now but can we set a date to talk about it?" This way he didn't feel attacked but I didn't feel abandoned either. Do you know what you need from him? And do you know that your needs matter just as much as his do? And that you're allowed to have boundaries too? (Your last paragraph worried me a tiny bit - you don't just have to wait him out, you can also tell him what behaviour you can and cannot accept for your own mental health and well-being.)

You wrote that you're feeling neglected - are there any non-sexual ways he could demonstrate his affection? Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, spending time together, telling you how much he appreciates you? Do you think it might be possible to be sexual without having sex? I'm thinking here of making out, of masturbating while he's there/you're cuddling together, etc - that way he can be there, but without any pressure, because pressure can make things worse. It sucks hard enough to lose your sex drive, but it sucks even more when you feel like you're letting down your mate, or not good enough or (wo)man enough for them. I would also recommend solo masturbation for you - I know it's not the same but it doesn't hurt, and it may relieve a little bit of pressure for both of you.

Best wishes

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

Hello DD,

I am a PTSD sufferer. I think I take much more out on my husband then he deserves. For example, if he brings up money and thinks I am ready to return to work, I immediately get upset with him. If a friend brought up the same issue, I would sit down and have the conversation. Why do I push away the person I love most??? I think I am afraid that he is seriously upset with me, that I've let him down, that he COULD leave if he wanted. For me, my mind is always on "worse case" mode.

I am learning to deal with this, I told him not to feel like he has to tip-toe around and keep concerns to himself. So even when I overreact, he let's me, he gives me my space, and when I am ready, I approach him and we discuss. It is getting better. He has tremendous patience, and I bet you do too!

Sex will be important to your marriage. Your needs should not be neglected, but you may need to find a compromise for the time being. (I'm guessing you have tried to)

I know it is important for you to talk to him about this. I'm sure he wants to have the conversation too. He may be avoiding, or he may just want extra reassurance that you aren't giving an ultimatum such as "we need to figure out your issues or I can't do this anymore."

I hope you find help here.

 

[falling]

I can offer a point of view from someone with PTSD and let you know that it truly hurts us(PTSD sufferers) when we are like that. If your confused as to why he seems 'fine' with other people in public and at work it's I think I know why. It's probably because he doesn't have an emotional connection to them as he does to you. Please don't take the coldness personally-I know it's hard not too but it's the PTSD. It turns warm loving people into cold, robots. Just keep telling him that you miss HIM. And that he needs to seek help to be able to communicate his feelings. I have little control over my coldness towards those I love when I'm triggered. I hate it when I'm doing it but I simply cannot help it. It's self destructive and I know it and in some dark twisted way I want to hurt myself. I dunno if that helps understand how PTSD work at all or if its just more confusing.

Good Luck to you.

 

[Dixie D]

Thank you all so much for writing. As for mismatched sex drives.. they haven't always been. He had just started the medication when we met and started dating, and by the time he moved in with me (at the six month mark) it had dropped considerably. I honestly never though much about his PTSD or that it could be a side effect from it itself. And I"m ashamed to admit that I have offered that ultimatum.... because I didn't know what to do. The doctor gave him viagra, and everything works fine... he just doesn't seem to be motivated to take it and THAT is what hurts.

Understand, I have seen him like this one time ever before, and I'm not recognizing it until just now as an episode. Same thing. Complete silence, cold demeanor. Cut off from me completely but not from others. But we weren't living together and engaged at that time.

I tell him I love him and I miss him. He just stands there. He won't say I love you to me unless I ask him if he does. This is day five of this, and from someone who is usually so warm and loving this is HELL for me. I'm finding out about his plans with his friends on Facebook.... instead of us communicating like we always do. He's doing things that WE planned to do together.. without me.

He doesn't want to talk. He barely answers my texts when he's away from me and nothing is getting resolved and it's killing me. He comes home, takes the dinner I leave for him on the stove and eats in the basement in front of the tv and then I don't see him until he sneaks off to bed. No goodnight, no kiss for either me or our daughter.

Am I expected to just wait it out? I've put in a call to his Padre to see if he can help me. I'm trying to get counseling for myself too, but this is disrespectful behavior. We are in a relationship where we have always checked in with the other when going off doing something. Shouldn't there be some consequence? I don't want to leave him IF he is hurting... but it's hard to see this as hurting when he's so cruel.

I'm so lost.

 

[ill]

You are not expected to do anything at all, except to take care of yourself to the best of your ability. To me, that means deciding what you want, what you need, what you can accept, what you can't accept, and so on. This part is all about you. And figuring this stuff out is important - this is how you figure out what your boundaries are, and you need those. Everyone does, but I think it's especially important when you're dealing with PTSD. You want to be supportive and understanding of your spouse, and as someone who suffers from PTSD, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that desire and commitment, but you need to be supportive and understanding without sacrificing your own health and well-being. You have to take care of you.

The flip side is that you have to remember that you can't take care of him. He's responsible for himself. Whether he chooses to access counselling, whether he chooses to respect your boundaries, whether he lives up to the agreements you've made, those are all on him. You may not like his choices, and you may find them distressing, but that's where your boundaries come in. You have to decide what you can and can't live with. This can be fudging hard. It can be flipping painful. It sucks. But you can't control him or his actions, you only have control over you. Relationships, to me, need to be explicitly negotiated, and we often rely on implicit assumptions - we assume that other people have the same boundaries, coping mechanisms, etc, that we do, and that's just not true. It's not that there's a good guy or a bad guy here, but right now, his behaviour is hurting you. And that's not okay. And that's most likely not what he wants or intends, even if it feels like that.

This is what I would do: Contact him about time-sensitive can't wait stuff and sign off with your love, but let him cave out. He sounds like he's in a defensive, shutting down kind of place and from personal experience with my partner, he is just not going to be able to be receptive right now. (I have diagnosed PTSD, partner likely has undiagnosed PTSD.) But this gives you some time to focus on you and your boundaries. Spend some time figuring them out., we don't always know what they are. And then calmly write them down in a letter to your husband using "I" statements (check out "I message" on wiki, I can't post the link).

What I'm reading from your writing is that you love him dearly, that you want to be there for him and to support him, but you can't do that when you aren't receiving the affection you need from him. I'm guessing that you do miss the sex, but that even more than that, you miss feeling and knowing how loved and desired and important you are to him. How can you do the work when you feel like you're doing it all by yourself and you're not even sure he wants you to be doing it or is appreciating it? You need to know that you're not alone in this, that he's right there with you. (My apologies if I've misread!)

Give him the letter, tell him you love him and give him his time and space to deal with it on his terms. I think you might be like me, wanting to work through things RIGHT NOW, THIS INSTANT, let's make things better! but if your partner's like mine, it can be triggering, it can feel like being blindsided, it can feel like an attack. Give him space. And in the meantime, keep taking care of you. Make plans of your own, do something nice for yourself, do keep trying to access counselling for yourself, and then hopefully when he's collected himself, you two can talk together about what you want and need and how to handle conflicting needs and coping mechanisms in the future. But in order for this to work, I would need to know that he was doing the work of identifying his triggers. He needs to be able to identify when he's triggered and find ways to cope with those triggers so that he doesn't just shut down on you. And you need to keep enforcing your boundaries. That's hard too, but it's those boundaries that are going to give you stability. There are things that you need that you can't compromise on and that doesn't mean you don't love him, but you have to love you too. And you also have your little girl. You may have to love him from a distance, and you have to be willing to do that if you need to, because you matter.

As for the ultimatum - you didn't know. I've done it before too. We're all just doing our best, so please don't beat yourself about it. And the viagra - remember, it's really not about you. That's about him, and his feelings and it can be very hard not to take that personally, but it doesn't say anything at all about your desirability, your lovability, or your plain awesomeness. He's working through things that are impacting you but aren't about you.

 

[falling]

:( It's all so confusing I know. Maybe you can get him to go to couples counselling?

 

[Dixie D]

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I am a person who needs to work it out now, and I tend to shove away his complaints of "I don't want to talk about this right now" because I think that it will NEVER be talked about and then I'm left to suffer in the meantime. I think that's where it went bad this time. We had the sex issue to discuss.... and we kind of discussed it but I felt like nothing got resolved. So I was feeling resentful, and it was coming out in my attitude to him (being critical.. which I try hard not to do.... it gets harder for me when I feel rejected). And it all just blew up until he 'shut down' He said he doesn't care about anything. If they said the city was going to be nuked in ten minutes.. he doesn't care. They are kicking him out of the army.. he doesn't care.

I get it.. he was at the end of his tether. Coupled with the fact that we've had a VERY stressful few months and he's decided to lower his meds dose.... it's no wonder.

He can isolate. He can have all the time to himself he wants. I understand that he needs that. What I don't understand is the fact he is acting as though his family (including pets!) don't exist anymore. Where he would once always let me know when he was heading out 4x4-ing with the boys as a courtesy, just in case our plans conflicted.... now he just made them and I found out on facebook. This is behavior he doesn't ever exhibit.

He hasn't hugged or kissed our daughter in five days. He isn't doing his normal household chores (I cook, he cleans)... his laundry is in dirty piles and he is DILIGENT about making sure his uniforms are clean.

He is telling his mom on the phone when she calls that he's not angry. And she says he sounds okay, and he's okay with everyone else.

I believe this is how his last marriage ended. He just froze her out. She left and they ended. I don't want to live like this, and I don't think I'm willing to leave until this 'breaks' so to speak and we can talk. But how long? another week? A month? And how much built up resentment ends up on my shoulders in the meantime? Will I even be able to love him when this is all done?

My thoughts are all over the place. His post on facebook... it was like he was thumbing his nose at me. he WANTED me to see it... if he just wanted to get away with his buddies and have some quiet he wouldn't have put it there. Especially since it's something we had planned to do together.

Also... He has ALWAYS been gooey and affectionate and loving. Lots of PDAs and hand holding and kisses. Those have all but disappeared in the last two weeks. (interestingly timed with the medication decrease).

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm waiting to see a therapist. Waiting to talk to the Padre. waiting waiting waiting.....

And my heart feels like it's breaking and none of it affects him in the slightest.

 

[Dixie D]

I asked about counseling and there is no way. My hope is when (IF?) he gets a clearer head about him he may reconsider. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel though. Every day is the same. He never feels any better.

 

[ill]

There's nothing wrong with setting a time limit to talk about things. That can be a boundary too, right? What do you need and what are you willing to give/negotiate? And these questions are seriously all about you. It's about what you can and want to give while still taking care of yourself/making sure your needs are met.

I also hope that you know that I am in no way blaming you - I just really feel like I understand this particular set of conflicting needs/coping strategies. And I understand how goshdarned painful it is. My partner and I did that dance for years. It sucked. And at the beginning, when I first began trying to learn boundaries, it sucked some more. But it does get easier with time, and in our case, wow. Suddenly we could talk about things instead of arguing about them. We didn't have to defend ourselves, our wants or needs, and we also didn't need to attack each other - I absolutely used to accuse him of being evil/bad (not recommended!) and he used to accuse me of being weak (also not recommended!) and now it's just a case of we are who we are, with the experiences we have, we're both doing our best, and how can we do our best together. It was not easy, but it was worth it for me, and for him. We're both much clearer individually and in our relationship.

I love my very talkative kitten dearly, but when I'm extra stressed or anxious, I tend to be more sensitive to noise and his meowing can really trigger me. I understand that he's just a cat, that he's only doing what he always does, and I even know I'd be a-okay with it in my better or even regular moments, but in those stressed moments, it can trigger me. I'm still figuring out ways to deal with that. Sometimes I do have to leave for a little while. I take a walk, exercise some of my anxiety away, and then I come back feeling more human. But even this silly little coping strategy is something I had to learn, and it doesn't mean that I don't love him. Same with your husband - it really doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, or your daughter, or your pets, or that he doesn't care. It's likely that he's utilizing everything he has just to get through the day right now, for whatever reason, and he may not even be aware of it. Frankly, it sounds like what my partner used to do. It hurts. And this is why, for me, it would be a dealbreaker if he wasn't willing to figure out his triggers and his coping mechanisms so we could figure out how to move forward in a way that takes care of both of us.

 

[Dixie D]

It's been a trying day. He came home today from work, and I told him that I'd been in touch with the base about getting some support for myself. I explained that they were concerned with the anger and the fact that it had 'no reason'.... well suddenly he had reasons. He says we've been arguing a lot lately... which is true. This is has been the most stressful time in our relationship. Moving across the country... getting settled... just to move again. I had to leave my job, he started a new one with the army... we have a 16 year old daughter (he adopted) who is a handful. Basically he said he's done. He wants it to be over, he is done with the relationship.

This is the man who on the 21st of August was trying desperately to convince me to go to vegas and elope. His medication change was aug 21st... and things went downhill from there.

I brought that to his attention today. I showed him what the texts we send each other looked like when he was on his regular dose... and after the 21st... they started getting... less connected if that makes sense.

I moved my life for him. Away from everything that I love. Away from my job that I loved...... to a place where I know no one. and now he's doing this?

I have an appointment on base to talk to a therapist and decide what to do from there. Whether I go to his chain of command or not.... what I do know.. is this certainly doesn't seem like a 'breakup'. He's ANGRY... visually so.. and can't seem to say why. And the short timeline seems off to me.

I'm going to let him be for the weekend. I'm not uprooting my daughter in a place I don't know anyone with now job because he's 'done'. but I'll leave him be, and go to my appointment and see what they say. I'm devastated. That's really all I can say.

 

[ill]

What do you mean by going to his chain of command? As far as I understand it, his behaviour hasn't impacted his work. He is angry, but he's not being violent or abusive. He's withdrawing from his home life, and that is understandably distressing for you, but what exactly does it have to do with his work? I really don't understand, but I'd like to. I'd also add that, for me, that would likely be a dealbreaker. It would feel coercive and controlling - since I wasn't behaving the way you wanted at home, you decided to involve my boss, basically, which could potentially put my livelihood/job at risk. That, to me, could be abusive. But I have no experience with the military, so perhaps I'm missing something here.

I understand that you want to resolve things, and you want to resolve them RIGHT NOW, but at this point I think he has made it abundantly clear that at the very, very least, he needs some time and space. I know that you're distressed, but so is he and since you two have different coping mechanisms at this moment, you're at cross-purposes. It sounds like both of you are becoming increasingly distressed, and so each of you turn more and more to your (conflicting) coping mechanisms, and you're moving further and further away from each other. I have been here! This is such a shitty place! If you don't want to be in this place anymore, you need to try something different.

I cannot encourage you enough to give him that time and space. Please don't greet him at the door with what might feel like big news or even an attack - he just got home from work, most people need to de-stress after a long day, and you two have already been having issues. It's not that what you're doing is wrong, but right now, I'm guessing he can't handle it. It's not a fault, there is no guilt, this is just what is right now. His coping mechanisms aren't a personal attack on you, just as yours aren't a personal attack on him, but I think each of you might be experiencing it as such. Think about that for a moment: You feel like he's abandoned/is abandoning you, and that feels awful, but what if he feels like you're attacking him? Because it feels like he's abandoning you, you're trying to draw him close and stop him from leaving. Because he feels attacked, he's trying to escape/leave. And you both keep repeating your dance as the frustrations and the tensions and the unhappiness keeps growing. This is a terrible place to be. But you don't have to stay there. It's not about fairness or right or wrong, it's about what your priorities are: Do you want to stop this dance? Do you want to do something different? You can't control him, but you can control you. You can choose a new behaviour. Yeah, maybe he should, but you CAN. Right now, you can choose something different. I know how enormously hard it is *not* to talk about things, especially when you're in the same house, but it's not working right now. So are you willing to try something different?

You moved your life for you too, right? You chose this man because you love him and want to be with him. You chose him for all kinds of reasons, but right now, when things are this hard and this painful, it's hard to remember those reasons. But it was your choice, and even if things don't work out, it doesn't make it a bad choice.

The anger thing - For whatever reason, my partner's first response to any kind of upset (including a positive one) is anger. It's just how things are. Now that we both know this and can talk about it, things go a lot easier, but I used to do the exact same thing as you. I kept trying to push him to talk and he kept pulling away, and our love for each other kept getting buried under a pile of anger, hurt, frustration and a bunch of bs about who was right and who was wrong and who owed who what. We spent a lot of time being unhappy because we were terribly unclear communicators with each other. And then I began to lay down my own boundaries and to respect his - even when I didn't like his boundaries, I had to learn to respect them - and things began to get better. Most of us are not terribly clear communicators. Most of us are unaware of our own boundaries, and many times we're disrespectful of other people's boundaries. And usually we can get away with it. But when we're dealing with trauma and recovery from trauma, boundaries and clear, assertive, non-aggressive communication become absolutely necessary, I think. I cannot recommend enough that you look into "I message" on wikipedia.

I'm sorry that things are so rotten right now, and I commend you for setting up an appointment with the therapist. That's an excellent thing to do, and I hope that it helps.