Relationship First Post Here And I'm Looking For Help With Combat Veteran

[ds112496]

Dixie D....I feel we are kindred spirits and our men are cut from the same cloth. I too am not hopeful about a future with my husband. I just really want him to talk to me. The part for me that hurts so much is that he completely cut me off....no email, text, call....nothing. I just don't get how it is so easy for him to be this way. I'm a not like that at all! It is hard not to question things and replay it all in my head. Today is especially hard. I am so lonely and just really want to talk to him. For now I write words he will never see......

 

[Dixie D]

Yesterday we talked briefly. I had to corner him basically and I told him that I'm not there to dig at him.. I just wanted to clarify something with him. He keeps saying that as far as he can see there is nothing to talk about, but unfortunately there is. There is a child involved here, we are still listed under his health coverage, both she and I require medication monthly and until I find a job here and can negotiate benefits, I need to know that we'll still be covered. His answer was "I haven't cancelled it yet".

I explained that I needed a clearer answer, I didn't want to go to the pharmacy and find out I suddenly have no coverage. He said "I can walk into the clerk's office right now and remove you as my spouse" (I didn't really see the need for this little power trip) I asked again... are you going to do that? He said "I'm an asshole, but I'm not THAT much of an asshole".

So I look at the big picture. He's telling me our relationship is over. He's removed the status from FB. But all the pictures of us are still there, our vacations, pictures of us happy and kissing. He's not removing me as his spouse (okay maybe it's just the health care thing but who knows?) He still sleeps in the same bed with me even though there is a guest room to use. I can find a counter argument for most of these things. Maybe he likes our bed? Maybe it has nothing to do with me being there.

Yesterday he came in late and I was looking for our cat (who he loves) to give his medication. I asked him how his day was and he responded in a nice way. Simple "good" but not short of snippy. We found the cat and I told him what the vet had said about him a few days ago when I took him. I asked if he wanted to hold him... that he's been missing him (The cat has been missing hubby). He took him. He held and petted him... he seemed a little... awkward like he was holding a cat for the first time or something it was very strange to see but there was a bit of softness there that I haven't seen in a long time. I also later asked him for a hug, and while I admit he didn't look too pleased that I asked, he still held out his arms and gave me a quick squeeze. I explained to him that the day had been very bad for me and I just simply needed it if he could find it in his heart to give me one.

He had no idea that I'd spent the entire day in wracking sobs. In public even. I tried to take my daughter out shopping and to a movie and I was just a mess the whole time. And so for him to come home the way he did...... was nice.

And I feel so torn up about it. I"m sure it likely means nothing. Maybe he just had a good moment and nothing is going to change, but I can't say it doesn't give me some hope and I'm terrified of clinging to that hope...... He's out with his friends today and I don't really know when he'll be home. I'm hoping for him to be that same way again.... it is what I asked for.. for him to try to be kind, and come in and treat me like someone he actually likes.

PLEASE let this be the end of this episode. Please let him be in a better headspace where he can see that we are good together and that we can make him better. I'm so tired. And I miss him so bad.... and I saw a little glimmer of him yesterday.

PLEASE!

 

[Dixie D]

DS... That does sound hard. My therapist told me not to look too far into the future, but I struggle with that. And the what ifs. What if he never comes to himself again and I have to live apart from him. I live in a small town.... I will eventually bump into him... and what if he's with someone else? All of these things eat away at me. And I desperately cling to some hope that the tiny sparks of good things will take flame.

I feel like this is all I talk about with to my daughter, or my friends back home. I have a private facebook filter set up for just a few people who I feel it's okay to share things with and I worry that they will just think I'm whining all the time. Are you doing nice things for yourself? Manicures, getting hair done? Seeing movies? For me it's hard to push myself to do it... but I'm told that it helps.

I can't imagine having no contact.... you are very strong and I am so sorry about your pain.

 

[Sftbll2003]

My boyfriend, who suffers from PTSD, said "I'm done" a month ago. I'm starting week 3 with no contact at all. He will not answer my calls, my texts, or my emails. Our relationship seemed as perfect as a relationship could be and then because of one argument he said, "I'm done". My heart hurts so bad. It hearts when I wake up, it hurts throughout the day, and its when I lay down at night. Why will he not answer me? He talks to his friends and family like he is okay. We also talked about the future...what we were going to do the next week, the next month, over the holidays, years from now. Will he come around and text or call? Will he ever see that we can be okay?

 

[StrongHeart]

Add mine to the mix, then. But we are not married or engaged, just dating for about 8 months, though he has talked about marriage. He has described to me that the anger feels like it's necessary for survival. He describes it as feeling like he's in quicksand, or that he's drowning and doesn't know what to do to get out of it. He feels constantly attacked. I believe it is the adrenalin rush being activated, that fight or flight mechanism that is out of whack in ptsd. They get activated by an argument and they can't come down, so they turn it into anger at the next thing that shows up - us.

 

[Dixie D]

It's been a while, and a lot has happened. SFTBLL2003 and StrongHeart, I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It's tearing me apart every day. On the 8th I had to come and have the police remove him from the house. He came into the house in a rage after our daughter questioned him about why he wasn't talking to us (I was ill) and got very angry and said she was tired of him hurting us and he had been for weeks and she wished he would die. (Something that kids say... wrong yes but she was so frustrated and scared) and gave a knife to her and told her to kill him.

No one in their right mind gives a knife to a child and tells them to kill them. Anyway, they arrested him, and I still have to decide on whether to press charges and I'm not sure if Child Services will be involved. He isn't allowed to communicate with me for a two week 'cooling off' period or come to the house without escort (although he did sneak in here to grab some things last Saturday). After the arrest he removed me from facebook and this week he returned his status to 'single'. This was heartwrenching for me because he has offered nothing to me in the way of explanation or what exactly he is so angry about.

I've been over it and over it .... I see him drive by the house a few times a day, I don't really know why he's doing it.

None of his actions make any sense now, and my only option at this point is to go to his chain of Command and tell them everything. I will be doing that tomorrow. I don't want this to have career implications for him but since he won't communicate with me I don't have any other option. Something is not right, and someone hast to listen to me.

Have either of you made any progress?

 

[Sftbll2003]

I have been ignored for 2 and a half weeks. To see if I would finally get a response I called him, of course no answer, so I texted him "do you want me to give your things to your dad." Well, he responded to that, "yeah that's fine." I told him that I was sorry if I interrupted him doing anything or with anybody and asked what he was going to do with my house key. All he said, "what's your address." I called again because I believe this issue should be taken care over the phone not by texting, but he didn't answer. I then texted him, "Will you answer the phone and I'll give you my address over the phone." He replied, "No. Now what's your address." I texted back, "Why have you ignored my calls and texts. Am I that bad of a person," along with my address. He said, "No but I am. I'm sorry if I made you feel like trash. You're not that. Take care of yourself." I texted him trying to explain that I would not leave him and we could work it out, but he never responded back.

I hope you and your bf are able to overcome your issue!

 

[Toria]

Hello Dixie D - I hope that things are a little better for you by now? I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one. Mine does something similar - often for no obvious reason, but I will find out later that there is something eating away at him. Last week for example, we both had the week off work. He ended up going in to work for three out of five days and on the other two days? Well I almost wished he had gone in to work! Nothing I did or said was right, I was sworn at and then ignored. It hurts. I hope you are ok x

 

[StrongHeart]

Dixie D and sftbll, I think we have to be the strong ones here, and give these guys space. My current guy is not one who dissociates, but I used to date a former military guy who did dissociate terribly. I messed up that relationship by not being more considerate and giving him space when he needed it. Now I seem to be on the receiving end of it, with a guy with anger and anxiety issues who is not giving me space when I need it, and the biggest time was last Saturday when I asked him to leave my house and things turned ugly. Had he just left without trying to pressure me into changing my mind, we'd probably be planning our weekend right now, starting with a nice dinner out tonight where we catch up on our week, like we used to do. :(

From what I understand from my now intensive reading on this and talking to my guy and other men in this situation, they feel terrible shame for their actions, and what they say to us is just scratching the surface of how horrible they feel. When they come back from combat, they are changed. They are different sometimes in both body and mind, and they have images that they can't get out of their heads. They know they are different, and they berate themselves terribly for this difference. They want nothing more than to be like they were before because they remember that person. His distancing of himself is his way of both protecting you and protecting himself, because any rejection, questioning, arguing, or hurt feelings looks to them to be an attack. And they are programmed to fight back when attacked.

Even though my guy is now my ex, he was very good at explaining these things to me. I think our job is to do what is right for our children and our situations and give them space. And please, as much as possible, try to shield your kids from their behavior! I am a teacher, and I can tell you that things that happen in the home really affect these little minds, sometimes permanently. Talk to them about things they can understand - their schools, their friends, their little concerns. And when it comes to the big people concerns, post here, talk to trusted friends (key word: trusted!), and journal them. I really believe that we are at a point in our history as a nation where we have the lowest amount of support of each other. I know I never felt so alone as I did last weekend. I still cringe when I think of seeing my neighbor!

 

[StrongHeart]

I don't know if this helps, but please do things that make you feel good. Start a new exercise class, a new hobby, a new project. Journal, cook, play with your kids and do crafts. Go out with "the girls". Have nights that are all about taking care of you: watch a movie, read a book, take a candlelit bath and get in your PJs early, take a new exercise class. Do something relaxing and fun that is all about you. Put your oxygen mask on first because you won't be able to help anyone else if you expire! I know it's hard - believe me, I know it's hard - when you've been spending so much of your time focusing on the Sufferer, to redirect that focus onto someone else. It does help, though, I guarantee that!

Also, when it comes to texting or talking to the Sufferer, try to keep it light and focus only on subjects that do not have to do with their behavior or illness. Try not to accuse or blame. Just say mundane, mild things like did you notice the new store going up on the main street, or did you hear about something interesting in the news. They need time to have that fight or flight activation calmed down. I know I need a whole heap of work in that area, because I have not forgiven nor forgotten any of the behavior. I don't have children with my Sufferer, and no attachments of any kind, but it's still not easy to walk away when you're feeling like you don't know what hit you. In some ways, the biggest thing I'm angry about my Sufferer doing is killing our relationship.

Please message me privately, if I can help or you need someone to vent to.

 

[ds112496]

As I read all of the comments I can only be thankful that my husband never lashed out at me physically. It always seemed to be emotional, and still is. Don't get me wrong he had many verbal outbursts in public that made me want to crawl under a rock. I have to admit that sometimes I was embarrassed of his behavior. Dixie, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. It is appalling that he put her in that situation. I hope that it all gets resolved without child services, but if they look at the big picture it is clear that he is the one who needs the help.

My husband still has not made contact with me and I have not tried to make contact with him. He had his parents email me for information about one of our bills. They told me his lawyer advised him not to talk to me. What the hell? So basically I have no clue if he even wants to contact me and is following his lawyers advice or if he just doesn't care. I am doing my best to move forward, but it is still hard trying to understand why he is running away like this. I hope one day his anger will dissolve enough where he can sit down and talk to me.

To all of us going thru this...{{{hugs}}} We are strong, resilient women!

 

[StrongHeart]

Wow, ds, once a lawyer is involved, I'd take him seriously. You should look into representation yourself so you don't get taken advantage of. Also, when it comes to protecting yourself, knowing why someone is doing something isn't as important as accepting that it is happening. You may never know why.