First Post, Need Advice

[WantToGetBetter]

Hello, this is my first post and I am seeking some help, and as is evident from the posts on this forum, posters here are very knowledgeable on PTSD.

My name is Ben, and I was involved in a car accident approximately 3 months ago. Another driver ran a red going 80km/h at a blind intersection when I had the green, and I ended up impacting at approximately 60km/h. My hands just started to shake as I was typing. The airbags did not go off, but I was wearing my seatbelt, as was my passenger, thank god. It happened very quickly and I had no idea that there was traffic, as there were no cars behind or infront of me. I recall entering the intersection and lights were shining upon me, and I could tell in that split second that this car was going very fast, very very fast, and we were going to impact. I screamed at my friend (who had his head down and was on texting) and braced for impact. I thought I was going to die. We impacted approximately 2 meters later, we were both knocked out. Both of our heads hit. I had a concussion and post-concussion syndrome for a month after, where I had debilitating waves of nausea. I was also super sensitive to noise and light, and wore earplugs and wore sunglasses. I covered my head as there was too much sensory input, I could not function at all. I also suffered herniated discs, and have a loss of sensation in my big toes.

At first I was preoccupied with the nausea, but once that wore off, I noticed that my toes were numb. I guess that is when my anxiety started. I thought I was dying. I began having waves of this sensation, which I believe to be severe panic attacks. I felt 'flat' for several weeks, where I could not experience emotion. I remember going for a jog once, I ran and ran, and nothing, no endorphin rush. The panic attacks were severe, and I have severe hypervigilence as well. It's starting to die down a bit, but it still 'turns on' at times, and I am hypersensitive to metallic noise and sudden sounds. I have chest tightness, it was so bad at first that my chest muscles would be bruised purple and blue. I had trouble breathing at times. The worst part is the general feeling of dread, for example, when I first started going outside, at night, this overwhelming sensation of fear would come over me and I could not help but listen to every little sound. Everything was pure terror. I could not go outside for longer than 5 to 10 minutes. It has improved slightly, but it is still there, to the point that I can not function in a normal manner (work, normal sleep habits). I have insomnia at times, the longest stretch I stayed awake was 50 hours.

The nightmares are also horrendous. I remember them vividly, and I wake up in complete and utter fear. For example, here is a nightmare I had from yesterday. I was picking on my teeth, and one bent and caved in, it broke I suppose. I panicked, and tried to push it back, then it came out. I tried to put it back, but it was loose. I then accepted the fact that I'd be missing a tooth, and wondered what it would look like. I looked in the mirror, and saw my face, except I was missing half the flesh on my face and the jaw. I looked like I had been shot in the face. I remember looking at the tooth I was holding, which in fact was part of my jaw with flesh hanging from it. I then woke up. I went back to sleep and had several other nightmares. I also have flashbacks, where I'm talking to someone, seemingly fine, then BAM, a completely vivid image of the accident, like a frame stuck into a movie reel. It's surreal. My heart rate would also spike to 180-190 during the earlier anxiety attacks, and my resting heart rate immediately following the car accident was a steady 110-120 (for 6 weeks).

I have gone to the ER/doctors multiple times. They told me it's normal, that you're going to be shaken up. I don't have a family doctor, and the wait time is several months here in Ontario, so there's no point. I wanted to see a psychiatrist/psychologist, but I need a family doctor for that. I've been prescribed SNRI's by a walk-in clinic doctor, but I do not want to take them, as I want to take a conservative approach to treatment. I am not even sure what I have, I guess it's PTSD? One time I went to the ER when I was having a severe panic attack, I thought I was going to die, and they told me to go home and gave me a few benzos, which I did not take. I am still waiting on the car insurance, as the other driver did not have insurance. I also took two months to fill out the insurance paperwork, because I could not do so due to the trauma, it was just too hard.

I am not sure what to do. I want to see a therapist/psychologist and to do the therapy, CBT, desensitization, etc. It's not as bad as when I'm with my friends or keeping myself busy, but when I'm by myself, everything floods back to me and the cycle repeats. I'm also petrified of having panic attacks, I guess they call it agoraphobia. I've begun thinking about my reactions and trying to rationalize them, and to process the trauma, but it's hard, very hard. I do not feel like myself at all.

Any advice on what I could do myself currently before I go to see a professional therapist would be much appreciated. Should I try to interpret my dreams? Talk it out? I have a fear of death, and I guess this accident has brought that out. I should also mention that I am a severe hypochondriac, as my cousin died of cancer last year at 27. He had just gotten married and had a child, I was visiting him in Poland, and I got a phone call that he had died of stomach cancer. It happened in 6 weeks. Ever since then, whenever I have a cough, I get crippling anxiety. Whenever I spit out snot, and there's a spec of blood, I think it's sinus cancer. I have TMJ, and I thought I had a tumor in my jaw. This was prior to the car accident and PTSD, but its made it worse.

Thanks, just typing this out and having someone to listen helps. I feel so weak, I go between uncontrollable rage and crying

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi WantToGetBetter!

Welcome to the forum! This is a wonderful place, full of compassionate, caring people! A lot of us have had severe and terrifying accidents, and understand very well what you are experiencing!

Your symptoms are terrifying, but actually quite normal for what you have experienced.

To get into therapy as quickly as possible is very important. The sooner you address this, the better your chances for healing. If you allow this to drag on, it deeply affects your mind, body and spirit... even your brain and neurological pathways are altered (not necessarily permanently,if you catch it quickly) so the quicker you address this, the less the damage to your psyche. Look for / or request a Trauma counselor. Many therapists can help, but those specifically trained in trauma issues will know how to help you the best.

There are wonderful articles on trauma and recovery here that help a lot. You might want to try reading some of Dr. Peter A. Levine's books on trauma. The staff and members here are fantastic and very supportive and understanding.

The medications can be helpful in the beginning to reduce the symptoms and limit the severe distress. You can also cut the dosages way down to the minimum that at least takes the edge off the panic and fear. Clonazepam (Klonopin) is one of the safer benzodiazepines, and easy to split to give yourself a very small dose. This can help reduce the symptoms of the panic attacks and help keep you out of the ER.

Learning grounding and breathing techniques to get yourself back into the present, and pull you out of the flashbacks is invaluable. There is information about that and many members here can help you; but nothing beats being in the office with a trauma therapist teaching you how to reduce the terror, manage flashbacks and begin recovery.

Please do everything you can, as fast as you can, to get into therapy with a trauma specialist.

Sending you a very warm welcome, WantToGetBetter!
With deep caring and concern,
Deer

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Ben, welcome. This forum is amazing, there is always someone to talk to.
Mine is also car related. Not my fault either, a truck came on my side of the road. Ongoing injuries. For the first few months I was FINE! Except I wasn't, I was focusing on repairing my broken body. Once I started driving again and was again hit by another car - I was parked, and then run off the road by someone overtaking on a blind corner, thats when PTSD kicked off. Your symptons sound so familiar.
Try not to be hard on yourself, take each day slowly. If you need to talk to others, we will support you.
Take care
KP

 

[WantToGetBetter]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate it, a lot.

deer_in_headlights, thanks. I want to stick to a conservative approach for now, and avoid the drugs. I do not like the loss of control, as much as it's tough, it is natural. PTSD is a natural body function in response to a trauma; it increases survival. In the same light, with time, it subsides. My symptoms have gotten far better, but they are still there, for now. I will seek the help of a trauma specialist as soon as I can.

KP: I am in the same boat. For the first month, I have PCS - Post Concussion Syndrome. Nothing made sense, I stayed inside 24/7, I couldn't take too much sensory input. I had constant waves of nausea, it was horrible. As soon as the concussion symptoms went away, the PTSD kicked in. I read a study that a very high percentage of trauma survivors with concussions develop PTSD. It makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. If I were to get into an accident again, now, I would probably lose my mind. Even driving with friends, sets it off. I am taking it one day at a time.

On an update, the last few days have been great. I was mainly symptom free for 4-5 days, a little bit of panic here and there, but I functioned decently. Today however, for some reason, I had a severe panic attack. I think it was set off by walking on a street for 1km at night, with cars driving by. I've also noticed that my left ear (coincidentally the ear closest to traffic) is constantly flexing (I can feel the muscles move) to capture any metallic/car sounds.

Needless to say, I've been drinking a bit tonight. Approximately 10-12 drinks, over 6 hours. I am a big individual, 6'2, 245 lbs (muscular), and Polish, so it's not as if I am falling down drunk, but it helps bring me down. The panic attack was pretty bad today, but by far not the worst I've had. The symptoms were,

- Hyperarousal (Left Ear listening to everything, startled easily, scanning noises/movement excessively)
- Fear (general sense of death/fear)
- Itchiness (all over)
- Pins and needles in feet (probably due to my discs)
- Chest tightness
- Mild hyperventilation (ie I used some body wash today, but it's that Axe red-coloured stuff. I immediately started panicking, as it looks like blood).
- Agoraphobia (I was scared of having the panic attack itself)
- Hypochondria (my right pinky was swollen a bit from having fallen on it, and I thought it was broken, which caused more anxiety etc)

I was by myself tonight for a while, I've been trying to surround myself with friends a lot, which helps keep me in a good mood and distracts me. When I was by myself, my mind started to race. It felt as if I was losing my mind.

Sigh. I am an optimist, I know this will go away, eventually. It has improved markedly since the accident, 3 months ago. But it's still hard. Nobody understands me. My one friend the other night told me about the 5 car accidents he's been in. I've been in 2 others besides this one, and none affected me in the slightest. But the latest one, I literally thought this was it, I was going to die. I saw a car hurling at my side going 80+ km/h, with perhaps 100 ms at most to react. My reaction was to relax and prepare to die. It was a blind intersection. Luckily I hit it head on, but still. I don't know. I guess it is the feeling of powerlessness.

My father left me at a young age, 12 to be exact. He is schizophrenic, as I found out later. I was severely traumatized by this. He left to fill the gas tank as my sister and I were in the room we were all painting. He never came back. My mother said my father was never coming back. I sat in the bathroom crying for about 8 hours. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't draw air. I fainted several times. I had the drain cleaner uncapped and was several times close to drinking the entire bottle. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Ever since then, I've never cried. He called me once, on my 16th birthday. As soon as I heard his voice, I could not move or talk. He heard my voice initially, and kept talking. I did not respond. He hung up, and I remember I sat there for 2 hours with the phone in my hand, unable to move. A catatonic state, I suppose. I turned into a psychopath. I needed to control everything in my life since then. I have a huge need for control so I am never again hurt like that again.

This accident has raped me. I was in control of my life, I was happy. Then this subhuman untermenschen, who I found out has had DUI's from prior, and who I highly suspect was drunk at the time, but of course the useless police didn't "feel like" breathalyzing him (despite running a red at 80km/h at a blind intersection, without using his breaks, no skidmarks). If he hit me on the side, I wouldn't be here typing this.

I admit, I have deep psychological scars. Very deep. But, over time, I have learned how to deal with them, and come to terms with them. There was a point where I was suicidal, age 17-18. I had lost the ability to feel. I felt nothing. Unless you have been clinically depressed, unable to feel, you cannot comprehend. My existence was nothing. I was obese, wore size 46 pants at 200 pounds (now 32-34 at 245). I sat in my mother's basement, without any friends. I immersed myself in games, programming, and the like. I am extremely intelligent, but I wish I wasn't, because intelligent people tend to be highly neurotic. I was I was simple and stupid, and didn't dwell on things so much. Anyways, at night, the only thing that would give me comfort was going to a nearby forest and visiting my friend. My friend was a tree. My tree was my escape from the misery and emptiness. I once even climbed the tree, tied the noose, and put it around my neck. I felt happiness for the first time in a very long time. As much as I wanted to let my grip loose and seal my fate, I could not. I do not know why. I took the noose off my head, climbed down the tree and threw it into the river. I then walked home, and decided to change my life. I first lost 80 lbs in 4 months by biking, running and swimming everyday-- 3 hours a day. I ate healthy. I made new friends. I learned to block the negative thoughts, and to instead focus on the positive thoughts. I changed completely in the span of 6 months, and was happy. Genuinely happy. If the thoughts came rushing back to me, I would say yes, that's how it was, I have no power over it. These are the cards that I was dealt, and I can only go on from here. I got into University at age 19, full scholarship, I was loving life.

From then until now, 9 years, I've been fine. I know it's not a long time, but I've changed, many times. I am mature now, and I've worked in Manhattan (Wall St-- I guess the psychopathy comes in handy), Europe and elsehwhere.

I still cannot come to terms with the loss of control from the accident. It is very, very, very hard. I become ABSOLUTELY f*ckING ENRAGED for no reason really, when I think about it. This pathetic human, who, again, by the way, is an alcoholic without any steady work (who does beer deliveries??), nearly killed me, without any fault of my own.

I know it is my subconscious trying to protect me. The nightmares. The hypervigilence. I do not want to die. It can happen again at any time, a car could hit me when I'm in a car, or when I'm walking. I understand. I've overcome unimaginable horrors, deaths, and the like. I've been suicidal, and have come back to full happiness and loving life.

But, how do I turn it off? How do I come to terms with being essentially raped, in a situation when I think back upon, puts me into a state of uncontrollable rage?

 

[WantToGetBetter]

I am in tears as I type this. This has not happened since my father essentially died.

Is this the accident, or all of my previous psychological trauma being unleashed? I have been near shootings in Wall Street. I have been mugged in Manhattan, but was able to overcome my attackers. This I am sure would cause PTSD in quite literally 99.9% of individuals, but to me was normal. I survived. They thought I was an easy target. Little did they know. I could see the fear in their eyes when they realized I had no fear.

I have been madly in love with two women who I wanted to marry and bear my children. It did not work out. It was unbearable pain each time, yet sure enough, one day I woke up and felt nothing. Is this dissociation? Or psychopathy?

Why has this accident shattered me? I have friends who are soldiers. I almost signed on to be an officer several years ago, before I visited Marseilles and nearly became one of the forgotten. A banker turned legionnaire.

Sigh. It's still there. The urge is stronger than ever. I do not know what to do. I am so lost.