Relationship First Responder Husband With Severe PTSD Has Left 3 Times

[Freida]

So thanks for giving me the advice I NEEDED to hear, but didn't really WANT to hear lol.

ya -- you found the right group for that! :)
Your plan sounds excellent -- taking care of you is the most important thing :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

I just watched this and it's perfect for this situation

https://www.facebook.com/234859083260066/posts/2327098424036111

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just watched this and it's perfect for this situation

https://www.facebook.com/234859083260066/posts/2327098424036111

Amen! He's talking about boundries. If you let me walk all over you, I'm gonna walk all over you and not even mean to and not even know I'm doing so. So I NEED that boundry. I NEED to know where that hard line is. So that I don't walk all over you! I need that too, as a suffer. It helps me too. That's what so many supporters don't get. They feel like they are imposing on us or telling us what to do and no, that's backwards. You are telling me what you are gonna do but further, that's not imposing on me but rather helping me!

 

[Freida]

You are telling me what you are gonna do but further, that's not imposing on me but rather helping me!

exactly!!!!!

 

[Hojay]

That's what so many supporters don't get. They feel like they are imposing on us or telling us what to do and no, that's backwards.

Well said! I think the issue sometimes is not so much that supporter‘s don’t get it or don’t want to impose, but rather that they (myself included, but in the past tense) are dealing with people who aren’t, say, quite as evolved when it comes to hearing and accepting a hard line. The shitstorm that can ensue from laying down the law can be so forceful and confusing, sometimes you don’t know up from down afterwards. That’s not to say those hard lines shouldn’t be ridden, or that they serve no purpose, but just that it takes a strong and evolved sufferer (like you) for that to work as it should. Naturally, anyone involved with someone who can’t accept boundaries and ties your brain into a pretzel because of them should not be around you for that much longer...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

just that it takes a strong and evolved sufferer (like you)

Not sure I'm "strong" or "evolved" but rather have worked a lot with boundries with my therapist and some hard boundries with my parents. So, maybe more "evolved" with boundries then some, I suppose.

 

[Mytime]

I can give you that happy ending, but it’s not an easy road and you can’t walk it alone. I’m married to a first responder also. He didn’t cheat
but I lived in hell. I think the only reason we are were we are today, is because we both worked hard to get here. The only way to turn it around, is by you taking care of you. Putting yourself first and focusing on you. Learning to set boundaries is the first thing I did. I’m not willing to take the blame for anyone’s behaviour. Everyone has covered the cheating part and have given great advice and made dam good points . I would just like to challenge you to think about why you have stayed?