Haven't been to my Trauma Diary for days now. Don't know how to keep writing, it sounds so so... a story you would read in the newspaper. Reporting the facts, nothing more. Previously I have written on the Forum about my feelings which are limited. Somewhere along the line, a lot of them have gone missing??
This Forum is helping me a lot as I read the different threads. I am starting to understand issues that I had no answers to. Helpful advise, sad stories and members expressing their feelings. :cry: ;) :)
See I am doing it again, reporting the facts and not how I feel. Everything makes me sad or, overwhelming feelings of grief. Even when I see or read about happy things I am sad. What happened to the other range of feelings, anger, rage, disgust, happiness. At times I don't even know what I'm feeling, then it's just confusion. Maybe it's all been switched off so I can survive in this world, yes survive not live.
When I was was in the P hospital I was completely mad..... crazy. Anger took over everything, anger and hate. It totally consumed me, month after month. It was worse than the previous trauma's I'd been through to the point of constant suicide attempts to escape it. My subconscious mind took over and did things to my body that they could not believe. My body replicated the bruises from the beatings, the pain was unbearable. I cut through the cornea of my eye when I was sleeping and nearly blinded myself in one eye. They sent me to hospital and ran a barrage of tests, where they came to the conclusion that a great majority of my problems was psychosomatic.
The recovery took nearly five years before I was able to function is society. Since then I've lost one brother to suicide, another to diabetes and self neglect (all younger than me). And of course my Mother. Two broken marriages, what a pain in the butt. So here I am starting over again, will I get it right this time! But what is RIGHT anyway.
