First Time Post... My Ptsd Is Worsening. Any Advice Is Appreciated!

[missjasmyn]

Hi everyone!

This is my first time trying out a forum like this, so hopefully it goes well! I am a 24 year old girl diagnosed with PTSD following a traumatic incident. My story is a pretty long one.. Regardless of the details, I went through a horrendously traumatic incident three years ago. After the incident happened, I was in a full-blown PTSD state for about 5 months straight. It was, hands down, the worst experience of my life. The PTSD calmed down after that and I felt back to normal (somewhat) and was in therapy for around two years. The majority of my life since then has been mostly feeling normal.

However, about twice a year, I got what I called "the PTSD bouts." I almost like, retreat into a PTSD-like state for about 2-3 weeks where I am unable to function. I can't be alone, I go to the hospital several times, I stop working and going to school, and I can't do anything else. I also lose a lot of weight during these times. I stopped therapy for about a year, and since then these bouts have made many more appearances.

This year has been significantly worse. I have had more of the PTSD-like states than I have had normal-states. I am now on my 4th or 5th PTSD bout, and I'm only halfway through the year. What is scary too is that I am feeling much more unreal, as in depersonalization feelings. Everything around me during these bouts feels hazy and unreal and it is terrifying.

My question for you guys, if you would be kind enough to answer, is has this happened to you? Has your PTSD gotten worse over the years? I'm just now starting therapy at a PTSD/anxiety center, so I'm already on the path to getting help. My fear at this point is that its only going to get worse from here on out. I am so scared, it is unreal. That being said, has anyone else on here had that same feeling (that nothing is completely real)? I also have an enormous amount of guilt for my husband who has to see me like this and it breaks my heart. Anyone feel that way too?

I just really hope that it will get better, not worse. Any advice you guys could give me, or if you could relate to me please let me know. Anything to feel like I am not alone in this out here.

xx Much love you guys,
Jasmyn

 

[The Albatross]

I think that perspective helped me a lot. For example, a couple 2-3 week bouts a year left me more than forty something where I could function. I have to look at my calendar to gauge accurately the cycling and see if it's worse because my mind lies to me. If you are cycling more, take a look at your triggers and stressers. What is happening this year that wasn't present before?

 

[missjasmyn]

Hi The Albatross,
Thank you for your response. Is it normal to have these kinds of cycles? Do you hear that often and is it a normal part of PTSD? Yes, this year has been especially stressful. Nothing is really reminding me of my trauma, but I've just graduated from college and I'm entering law school and its been insane amounts of work and pressure for the past 6 months. I'm also terrified to enter law school because I'm not able to stop going for 2 weeks if I have a PTSD bout.

 

[The Albatross]

I track my cycles on a calendar or rather did for the past several years. I would put a plus sign for a good day, a zero for a neutral day (base point no matter what went one way or the other afterward) and then minus for the bad/tough/negative days. I could see fairly clearly a cycle, and had to take a look at what was going on in my life preceding the episodes. Kind of like finding a clue. I found when able to identify the stressers or triggers, I could set up "challenges"... to normalize experiences or to find "more generally beneficial beliefs" that would carry me through.

My rebound time got better, and I am not "accommodating" my mental state nearly as much anymore. In my case, it would be inconceivable now for me to think of closing off/up for two weeks. I set rigid restrictions on my commitments, some flexible and others non negotiable. I meet all non negotiable commitments and give myself some slack/fudge room on the flexible ones.

Self examine what your several last episodes were and that preceded them?

 

[In Exile]

I get better and I get worse. I had a breakdown two years ago, following giving up alcohol, my self-medication of choice.

There are things which set me off, and things which help calm me.

Law school looks like an obvious suspect for the stress. It helps me when I can make a plan on how to deal with the stress. Are there things which you can do to work on the stress?

When does law school begin? One of the problems I have with future events is that you can see the problems, but not the solutions. Working with your PTSD center specifically about law school should help.

With a good approach, you should be able to cut down or eliminate the number and degree of cycles.

 

[billie]

I find when I am triggered it can take weeks to get back to surviving without the intense fear. I have recently been in a very bed state and it has taken me just over a month to get back focusing on my recovery plan. The ability to stay afloat is dependant on where I am at with therapy (I have had thearpy a few hrs a week over the last year) and what is happening for me in the "real world". I hope this insight can aid on giving you some clarity on ptsd cycling. I wish you well (((hugs))) if you accept them.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Normal. Like anything else there seems to be a bell curve but I know I cycle and learned coping and management tools for those times so I don't have to give over to the unwanted behavior, the one where I isolate for a while. I have 7 day a week commitments now consistently for the last six months or more. All by goal setting, challenges, normalizing, being willing to risk being uncomfortable, and my "P's" (patience, persistence, practice, perseverance and prayer (prayer being optional).

The more you habitually accommodate your impulses, the more engrained they become gal. That's the rub. So I flipped it over and set up goal/challenges/exposures... and 26-28 days makes a new habit, and 6 months... a new behavior. It can happen, slowly and incrementally. I bested my proclivities and am not stellar but am better off by far than when I started. Honest.

 

[missjasmyn]

@The Albatross : Okay so cycling seems to be somewhat of a normal outcome of this. I'll have to start tracking mine to see if I can get a better picture of what is going on. I'm so glad to hear that you wouldn't be able to close off for two weeks. I cannot wait until I'm at that point. What has helped you specifically with your PTSD?

@In Exile : I am trying to figure out if I can work it out. I'm currently wondering if I should put off law school for a year, but no one around me thinks that I should do that. If I did, I would take a year to go to therapy every week and work on the PTSD so that it would be better by the time I get into such a rigorous program. I start on August 11th. Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it so much. What has helped cut down your cycles?

 

[The Albatross]

I do not tend to accommodate stressers, I tend rather to form strategies, goals and challenges to rise to the occasion. I hope this helps?

 

[missjasmyn]

@billie : I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well lately. I completely understand. When you say that you've been like that for a month, can you tell me what you've been going through? I just want to know if its similar to what I experience (social isolation, watching a ton of television, using a lot of xanax, depression, hypervigilance, anxiety, and depersonalization 24/7). Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it! Thanks for the hugs too. Much needed

 

[The Albatross]

Specifically, self examination, a core belief of self discipline, autonomy and self worth... if I didn't have them I learned to cultivate them. Self parenting. REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy - Albert Ellis), CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

I did all as self studies as I had no trauma specialist in my rural location. I committed myself to the development and maturation of what I did not get as a child/teen/young adult in an abusive bio family and first marriage. I looked for tools and management techniques that I could incorporate into my life in a practical way. It is (daily management) almost like blinking now... not perfect by a stretch but much better than it was).

My way is not for everybody. But I will say that if what you want, (law school) you are willing to stretch and normalize for... you will have gains. Sometimes slowly, some times quickly, sometimes just a "barely noticeable difference". But with commitment and a strategy it can and will happen.

Then all is left is to learn the cues (as I went) to recognize a down cycle before I crashed and to learn how to "adjust my sails" accordingly.[DOUBLEPOST=1402892329,1402892208][/DOUBLEPOST]I am not familiar with your trauma history, so I would say... my way is not the way that "everybody" takes. Anthony's way though as outlined pretty much here on his forum worked for me... with a twist here and there perhaps, but it did work.... provided I was invested enough to DO the work.

 

[missjasmyn]

@The Albatross : That is seriously incredible advice. Thank you so much for that. Have you been going through this for awhile? It seems like you've come up with a great solution to your problem... I really found all of that information inspiring.