First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

From Niksgee in "sick of the devastation": Nobody can understand the crazy that you go through with a sociopath.

This is so true Niksgee - my adult trauma was caused by a group of them "having their fun". They destroyed my career and my life and my well being, then walked away without a glance back. Love your work and will be reading as many of your posts as I can find!

 

[Abstract]

Hi!

I don't think you need to figure out the why and the what that happened with your dad at present. I very much understand the compulsion to figure it out.

I persoanally dont think you would need to give your dad details of your adult trauma. I would imagine it would be enough to say that something happened that envolved a group of people that traumtised you and set off all your symptoms (or whatver the situation is).

I agree that you will have to say quite a lot though. Like why you have not been in contact; that the more you needed help the more silenced you were; that you have PTSD; you motivations for your various actions and I think I direct request for help (spelling out what you need). You might want to include a link to Anthonys description of what PTSD is.

I hope you can have a peaceful day today and a bit of a break.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I have had another pretty good night's sleep and woke feeling rested, so nice!

I snoozed for an hour of so, then listened to my meditation tape - all good, or so I thought. Because all of a sudden out come the dark thoughts - two lots of them!!! Not surprised, but disappointed as I had thought for a little while that I might have a peaceful morning!

One stream was horror about finding work, and having enough money for my rent - the other was about whether or not and what to say to my dad.

In so many ways I would prefer to find work and "soldier on" with getting recovered - the minefield that he represents is just so big. It would be much easier and safer to cover the ground in a slow and careful way. And I do think that minefield is an excellent analogy for him and me and my brothers. Out last email was last week and I am getting very worried that I have not heard back from him yet - do I tell him or not?????? (Abstracts comments on this in the previous post are good guidance and I have been trying to compose an email letter using that as guidance - but it is slow going as the shame I feel is horrific. I still can't believe that I let this mess go on for so long - I know I was not well and that the more I hurt the more silent I became, and then along came the PTSD..... But still????? I am so disappointed in myself!

I saw a position advertised yesterday that will suit me well, so I have gotten up and just completed the application - I love online job adverts and applications, they seem to be much easier for me than the 'old fashioned' newspaper one's.

Now I need to go for a walk and then sit down and sort out what to say for the initial interview, which should be by telephone. I suspect that there will not be very many applicants for this job as it involves travel which will rule out many people (well I hope that is the case!). I am going to have to sound as though I love the sound of the work, will be professional when working without supervision and will cope well being on my own - hahahaha. Much prefer to be working alone, no matter how lonely I get, as it means that I am not stuck in an office where there might be more F***ing bullies and sociopaths!

If I can convince the manager on the phone, I will have to then prepare to do so in person. Have to plan my anxiety management routine and then rehearse all of the possible questions that she could ask me. I also need to prepare myself for the job as I think the travel etc... will be very isolating so I will have to have a self-management plan to present to her to show that I will be able to cope, and to implement to that I do cope when I am away for a week at a time.

This job might be just what I need - I might even be able to keep doing my current work as there is so little of it! Being away will have it's positives:
I will be out of the house, and away from many of the trauma reminders for a lot of the time.
I will have quite a bit of time to not have to interact with others very much (when driving between locations).
I will be able to use some of this time to contemplate and relax.
I will be able to see some new places.
I will be making money.

Ok - walk, then prepare for the interview and then plan how I will cope if I don't get it!

 

[ms spock]

I wish you the best of luck with your job application and interview GreenFrog2.

Though you sound very prepared so I don't think that you will need it.

You have managed a very difficult time rather well I think. I hope that things keep on improving for you.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Mindfullness meditation reminder: Be the witness to your thoughts.

Hmmmm! The healthy me and the PTSD me are watching each other like a pair of really pissed off animals trying to protect their babies. The healthy me is trying to set aside the PTSD thinking, and the PTSD thinking is hanging on for dear life - totally terrified of having to face the reality that I can be safe.

 

[Abstract]

I totally agree with Ms Spock.

Good luck. One step at a time can get you to the most astonishing places.

 

[GreenFrog2]

The truth from mindful meditation: "Be guarded against your thoughts. Realize that you don't have to rush into them. You can just let them go". I am trying to do this, I really am - it actually hurts 0 it is like a physical pain ripping me apart. I have held onto the fears to protect myself for so long it hurts to even push them away a little bit. And I have hurt enough.

I had a pretty relaxed evening and thought that I was lucky -then a pretty good nghts sleep. Woke early as usual and it took only a few moments to for the horror monsters to come out and start scaring me. I snatch the affirmation I am safe, and said it many times so that I could settle and turn on my meditation tape - this helped to calm me down. then I put in my ear plugs and snoozed for a bit. Unfortunately I just kept worrying about today and what comes next.

Today I am seeing a financial adviser to sort out my debt payments - binding agreement if accepted so they will have to stop bothering me, which will be a relief - I will be able to answer the phone with abject fear again. I have put this off for as long as I could as I am ashamed that I can't pay by bills - but it is the only course of action left to me if I wasnt to cope and survive this mess I am in. It is pretty scary - although the lady I did the preliminary work with on the phone was pretty nice so I am hoping the meeting today to sign everything will go ok.

It is strange that when I write it here I can calm down - putting this in my hand written journal has not been so effective! Maybe because I will get some empathy and support here.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I have made some good progress at setting my PTSD thinking aside a little, so that I can watch it and challenge it - but it seems that at night it can slip back into it's old home wrapped around my healthy thinking. As I said above it actually hurts to push it away: crushing, ripping, tearing.

Exhausting. I am already weeping with tears flooding down my face. Should I stop and go back to being a zombie? Or should I keep going - maybe I will get better and maybe I will just break apart. Stupid question....I have to keep going.

But, I want someone to hold me so that I know I am here and not shattering and being blown to the four corners of the universe. I want someone to comfort me and to reassure me - my parents didn't and it is so hard for me to comfort myself - I try, but still often don't believe that I deserve it.

Oh well, back to the inner child work - I have been developing my skills at reassuring my inner child and when she is feeling wanted and a little safe I tend to feel OK too - as though I am a capable adult. Not like my parents, but like the adult I can be when I am healthy - I hope that makes some sense? It's like the me that I would have been if I had not gone through all this crap. But inner child work is incredibly hard and often totally distressing so I need to be strong to do it.

My tears have stopped so I must be heading in a good direction with my healthy thinking - need to develop a way to prevent PTSD thinking from taking over when I sleep and pouncing on me when I wake up.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I had just written another post when my computer shut down due to over heating.....the gist of it was that my reactions to so many adverse events and trauma was normal - the PTSD may very well have prevented me from self-destruction.

Now that these events are in the past I don't need the PTSD reactions to survive, so it is safe to set them aside. The healthy me can now resume living - I am probably lucky she is still here to do so, and it is now OK for her to come to the fore and unravel the PTSD thinking that goes on.

In doing this the warped thinking can be undone, and will be replaced with healthy thinking and I will recover from the events that have shaped my life for so long and then lead the life that I would prefer to be living - a healthy, happy and safe one. Doing the things that I enjoy and having only healthy relationships.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Mindfull meditation reminder: "Be guarded against your thoughts. Realize that you don't have to rush into them. You can just let them go".

I will be developing my skills in doing this with PTSD thoughts - making room for healthy thinking. But the same reminder will apply to them!

 

[GreenFrog2]

So many problems, each with so many emotions. I am flooded by them - there are so many that I can hardly identify each one.

But, fear and panic and terror are all defiantly there. I can't work out why. I am being proactive in addressing the problems that I have to deal with, yes it's hard but I am doing something - more than I have been able to do for 3 years. Then getting ashamed of myself because I am so upset. I want to be able to see a future with some peace and some happiness instead of this horror show that just keeps reappearing.

I so wish the emotions would come one at a time so that I can process them - deal with them, make them go to a healthy state. Some of each would be fine, but this bloody flood is just too much!

Memo to self - Be guarded against my emotions as well. Realize that you don't have to rush into them. You can just let them go. Wish that I could - but emotional regulation has not been a strength and I am thinking it will be a long time before I can guard against them.

Any thing I need to be doing???? Any chance of some peace and quiet inside my head???

Reassurance and comfort needed as well as suggestions on things that I can do to stop all the emotions - I just can't think at the moment.

 

[GreenFrog2]

The constant state of heightened anxiety that fear brings, is totally exhausting.

Oh yes it certainly is - just trying to think of something that I can do to cheer myself up is making me anxious - then the fatigue sets in. Too tired to keep on coping. IT's all very well and good to have a plan, but what happens where you are too tired to implement it?