First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[amcen]

GreenFrog, I think I can relate to each word that your wrote in your six last messages! Unfortunately the only things one can do here are to read you, to understand you (too well sometimes!), to give you some supporting words coming from the heart and a few ideas from his/her experience, and to send you from a very long distance some waves of warm and comforting feelings that you need so much. I hope that a little part of these will reach you.

If I understood well, you don't have any therapist or medication right now. I don't know if it is because you don't have any money to do so, if you are too scared about it, if you had bad experiences with them, if it is your own choice or a mix of all that. I am not a doctor, I am not a therapist either, but I feel that you are in the middle of an extreme crisis that you handle on your own amazingly well for now considering your situation. You are very strong, GreenFrog, that is clearly a fact!

So, maybe this forum and its chat are enough to help you to go through this terrible and too long moment. But still I would feel so much better if you could at least tell us about some emergency hotline, psychiatrist, hospital or whatever else that you could use around your area at any time.

I don't know what to say more, I am sending you my warmest support and I am sure that you will overcome all that in any constructive way.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Mindfulness meditation reminder: "Choose the trains of thought that you want to board".

Oh my, if only it were so simple! This meditation has saved me - almost every morning I wake up thinking very negative thoughts, even when I don't have nightmares. While I am in that vulnerable half awake state my mind dwells on the negatives and turns them onto major problems - so my first task each day is to talk myself down from this. To reason with myself and put things into perspective. Then I have to pick a positive thing to think about - not many of them going on for me now, so I usually end up here typing my little fingers off to stop myself from thinking to many negative thoughts about my ability to cope.

I had this mindfulness reminder this morning, and wished that I could do this when I was asleep. I really resent that each day has to start with me going through the exhausting and damaging process of dealing with such negative thoughts. Today it was about how I can't cope any more, how my world will fall down around me and I won;t be able to stop this from happening. I finally got the "I am safe" affirmation out as I came fully awake and then I had to remind myself of the improvements over the last 2 weeks - I am moving along the process of managing each of my problems. Of course progress is slow - there is no other way for these sorts of things to be done. I am just a tiny bit proud of myself for being able to act and make the progress, and do want to continue with doing this.

So for just now I have chosen the being in today thinking train - this helped me to get out of bed and come here for support - even being here alone and writing is very helpful for me! Being on the today thinking train, and writing, has helped me to settle, as all that I am thinking about now is today, and what I need to do. Several things to do with looking for work / funds which will be really hard, but then I am finished with these things for the weekend. After this I will be going over my self-help plan - I have struggled to keep up with things due to stress and still need to review my plan as I am certain that it is the things that I have been doing over the last few months to get well that have kept me alive and functioning - such as having the skills I used this morning.

I felt so bad, that I scared myself - I thought that I might move beyond the usual terror into more suicidal thinking - it felt as though those thoughts were right at the edge of my thinking just waiting for me to get weaker so they could take over.

Memo to self: There are 325 days left in the year, if I can take 1 grown up step every day, by the end of the year I could be a pretty healthy lady PTSD wise and have 'fixed' most of my problems. I just wish that I could cope better in the mornings - they scare me so much.

maybe this forum and its chat are enough to help you to go through this terrible and too long moment.

Yes amcen - this forum does help me to get through the most terrible moments that can stretch into hours - it is my life line, my 'action plan' place to go to when I am in a bad place or heading in that direction. And thank you for the warm waves of positive feelings - they are wrapped around me, helping to keep me safe.

 

[GreenFrog2]

From "when you understand that you did not deserve"

No one could figure out why on earth I went SO far away for 5 years, 3,000 miles, did not really write much. I don't think I knew, either, I just felt so FREE for some reason. I now know it was what amounted to escape from all that judgement, meanness and plain old control,

I did this - I ran away to hide from the nastiness and hurt. It has been 12 years and I am only now making contact with my family. I think they will never understand why I did what I did, and I am sure they will have developed a version of what happened that they can live with. So be it.

I know that I did not deserve the hate and abuse my mother directed at me - neither did anyone else.
I know that I did not deserve the abuse my father ended up directing at me either.
I know that I do not deserve being denied the opportunity to develop coping skills - my mother made sure of that.
I know that I do not deserve the adult trauma that I was subjected to.

I am coming to believe that:
I do deserve that I "parent" myself well now. That the adult part of me grows and matures and can be an adult - the kind I that I really am: smart, capable, lovable, worthwhile, respected.
I do deserve to be strong enough to rebuild a healthy relationship with my dad - he did not deserve what he got either.
I do deserve to be able to embrace the opportunity that I no have to develop my coping skills.
I so deserve to survive and then thrive beyond the adult trauma.

I do deserve to be able to determine the kind of woman that I will be - who am I? That's a really hard question at the moment - I have lost so much of who I am that I will need to figure that one out!

I have re-read this and doubt it all - doubt that I can do any of these things - wishing for strength!

 

[Abstract]

I think you will find that strength Greenfrog. Sending you support.

 

[GreenFrog2]

the only difference with PTSD is that it's unpredictable

From any suggestions.

Thanks for the reminder about this! My other problems are generally consistent in their "pain" - both in the type of emotion and it's intensity. PTSD on the other hand it all over the place, and the only place where I can get comfort for that is here. Forum member's just "get" the emotional roller-coaster - they don't think it is crazy, just where I am at.

I just wish that I could find ways to make it less volatile and unpredictable - I am having some success in controlling my thinking and stopping myself from being too negative and anxious, but really don't make much progress with the emotions - they just keep on appearing, and each time there is a different mix of them to deal with.

I have heard that crying happens when we can't process things that are going on (past and present), well I cry very much - from quiet slow tears to ugly snotty torrents of tears. I often can't work out why - what is it that I am not in the process of processing.

Or is just that I have so much to process that I can't process it? Maybe this is it - there is too much going on and I get flattened by it all and then just stop processing.

I really must get started on my self help plan - get back into a good healthy routine of looking after my PTSD stuff, then I might be more able to cope with everything else.

(((self-hug)))) ((((inner child)))), who is even more tired than me - all these emotions to deal with!!!!!!!

 

[circe47]

Green Frog-

I hope you are feeling better. I won't go into all the details, but I have been where you are......and just a bit further. It is a very scary place that nobody should have to experience. While I was "on the ward" afterwards, a case worker described it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is nothing that has been done by you, or have had done to you, that can't be fixed.

It is also very traumatizing experience for the ones you love. My sister assures me that she would NEVER get over it. I know it would have ruined my kid's life, just as he's getting it together after the kind of father he has had to deal with.

Your purpose is clear. You are here to help others who are feeling down, and need comfort. I have seen your posts and you have been a great source of support for so many others with PTSD. Please feel better real soon......:hug:

 

[GreenFrog2]

permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is nothing that has been done by you, or have had done to you, that can't be fixed.

Do you mean that the PTSD is a permanent solution to the temporary problem of the trauma?

That all the things I did to hide and to protect myself can be undone? That what they did to me can also be undone?

Please tell me how! I get feedback here that is always so positive - that I am a supportive person etc..... The problem is that I don't really feel this, I dismiss these things, and when I read my posts they sound like they are written by someone else - I can write them when I am sitting here in tears - hating myself.

It's only when I am concentrating on something like a post that I can even be a little bit calm - when I stop I will be overcome with negativity. And, I need to rest so much so to concentrate all day is just impossible - I have to rest and then the horror monsters take over and undo all the good work.

It is if the healthy part of me just gets to come out and play for a little while to see what she can't have.

And I am so, so lonely - it is almost unbearable. Too many bad thought to have to deal with makes it so much worse.

 

[Sailorgal]

(((GreenFrog)))

Regardless of PTSD, each of us are a unique individual. For me personally, I struggled with my crying at first. I honestly thought I was sad. Well, I was...but then I would switch gears within minutes and be angry and vice versa. You know yourself if you are really upset or if it's just something triggering it.

What I did was to start talking to myself. I would interview myself like a therapist. I would ask myself, "What hurts so much that makes you cry? Is that the real reason or does it just hurt more because of something else? Why does it hurt you so much?" At first I would speak inside my mind, then I would speak out loud.

Sometimes I just needed to let things out. Tears weren't always tears of sadness, but just a form of trying to release something. I really don't know what. It almost felt like the surface emotion. Maybe reading a list or listening to your own recording of yourself describing what makes you happy or what you desire may help break up that cycle. It's powerful when you hear your own voice speaking to you! :happy:

 

[GreenFrog2]

a bit later (from circe47's post).

Or do you mean the "bit further" is a permanent solution to the PTSD - which is only a temporary problem. Sorry, but this bit of your post has really confused me!!!!! Although now that I am thinking about what you wrote this second interpretation is probably what you meant!.......

 

[GreenFrog2]

Maybe reading a list or listening to your own recording of yourself describing what makes you happy or what you desire may help break up that cycle. It's powerful when you hear your own voice speaking to you!

HaHa - this is on my list of self help things to do this weekend!!! A recording in my voice of positive affirmations, how I will sleep and what I want to achieve. I have been putting it off for ages because I don't know what to put in the 'what I want to achieve' bit!!!! Think that it will be emotional regulation - noticing when they are coming, and doing grounding and breathing to stop them. I am committed to doing this as I know that hearing these things in my own voice is really powerful, it's why I read by affirmations out aloud and also my list of the day (things that I have done in the day, written in a positive way).

I will also be considering this:

"What hurts so much that makes you cry? Is that the real reason or does it just hurt more because of something else? Why does it hurt you so much?"

because I don't know specifically why I am cry - sure there is the fear and hurt - but I have been doing pretty good and I want to know what is underneath all these tears!!

Thanks Sailorgal - you have helped me to take one more tiny adult step!!!!

 

[GreenFrog2]

"What hurts so much that makes you cry? Is that the real reason or does it just hurt more because of something else? Why does it hurt you so much?"

Hmmm I need to have a think about this. At the moment I don't know what specifically is hurting me so much so that I keep crying. Once I have figured that out, I will be able to see if that is the real reason, or if there is something else as well - and then sort out why that hurts me so much.

 

[anni]

I think your post on the other page would make a perfectly lovely affirmation for you. You said you don't believe any of it, but words are awfully, awfully powerful things. Each of us are walking proof of that if you think about it. We're all pretty much missing body parts as a result of other's words ( yes, and other wounds ). I won't repeat those hurtful, maiming words here because they are just that powerful, causing true harm each and every time they enter our psyche. If 'just' words can bring us to this point, then they can and do cause the other effect too. If there's no one to tell us we're deserving of beauty, love, peace and wonder in the world then we do it for ourselves. Affirmations are more than cozy, touchy-feely, New-Agey, psycho-drama lingo which fills in time. They work by helping to literally create our reality, in the same way others created our reality for us with their construct of who THEY felt we were.

Are you on any meds, Green Frog? I don't mean that you require medicating, gosh look how squirrely she is. Sometimes our chemistry just plain gets knocked off balance through the stresses, needs something to adjust it back to where it should be, that's all. Maybe you're being too hard on yourself. If you can't figure out why you're crying SO much, it's possible there is no discernably logicle reason, you know? Plain old chemistry could be the culprit. You sound extremely self-aware, I'd have to guess would have been able to track your tears back to a source if there was one?