Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[safenow]

I won't make a 'crisis plan' of who to call, for that reason, either.

I've had so many people say to call them, but in the past I tried to call them, they don't want to hear it. So I stopped even trying to do that. Rather, I've learned how to cope (for the most part) on my own. It is sure not easy.

The good thing, Junebug. You have this site. This forum is full of people who really do care and want to hear how you are doing. We are willing to step up to the plate and hear you and talk to you and try to help in any way we can. It really beats the hell out of nothing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you safenow. I am so sorry you have had the same experience. :( I sometimes wonder, if another person could realize no one would never choose to reach out if there was an alternative.

Coping on my own, albeit not always effectively, has been what I was used to too, up to trying to do differently the last years.

Not reaching out not so much a failure to push out of my comfort zone as much as past experience. I tried to view it as my own self-limiting behaviour, but doubt it now.

I used to feel it was a reflection of my lack of value, to receive no response, or a negative one. I would say that I still feel that, but with the caveat that it is more specifically the lack of (my) value to that particular person. Or just not important, compared to whatever else they're doing or not doing. But I guess there still is a sting, or loneliness in that, in that say a tv program (or anything else), is worth more than a (my) life, (far as crisis plans go. However notwithstanding I mean that it is a very rare event, to reach the point of the end of a line of a crisis plan). Even from a relative, etc. So I guess it's like saying, a life has value, you just have to find a belief that your 'own' life has value (to yourself), even if it doesn't to others. But it rings kind of hollow. Perhaps this is something others find easy or it comes naturally. Guess what's hard about trying to learn how to feel that is that it doesn't really feel like a goal to me (for myself).

Oh well. As I said, not important at all.

Thanks safenow, I'm sorry for what you've been through but I thank you (and everyone) for your kindness, gentleness, wisdom and support, xox. :hug:

 

[safenow]

I don't know if you believe in God or not. I do. And since I do, I know that HE loves me. He has been the only one so many times in my life. When I put on a hymn that talks about Him (Jesus) and how much He loves children, I sing the song, (I am a child of God). The part that always used to hurt was the verse (and He has placed me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear) That one always hurt. My parents were not kind and dear. It hurt me to think that someone who professed to love me so much would allow me to live in such a place. Then, I learned that everything that happened to me was recorded. His angels saw everything and as far as judgement goes, those people will suffer more than I did for what they did to me. And I believe that for everyone. Just because they don't get punished here, doesn't mean they won't pay for what they have done.

For every bad thing that happens, there has always been at least one thing that gave me comfort. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's a fact. Like after that horrible burglary where I was tortured over a period of 3 days and nights, I learned I was pregnant. At first I thought that was another bad thing, but then I realized, it was a blessing. My first two children had been kidnapped by strangers and never found. I mourned for them every day until they did electro shock therapy to make me forget. Now, I had a chance to hold a tiny baby again. (My son was only two weeks old when taken) Such a gift to replace and help me heal from the loss of my other children.

Going to the orphanage, while other children thought it was a very bad place, I loved it. I learned how to play the piano there. I learned how to play baseball. I learned how to swim. I got my first decent hug from someone who was kind and caring. I got to sleep with other children who helped me to laugh. Something I had never done before.

So while things were bad in my life, there was always a touch of kindness. I believe that kindness was from God, to help me get through this life of horror. When I think about what He suffered while He was on earth, I want to cry. In fact, I do cry for what he suffered. And to think He did that for you and me. He did that for everyone on the face of the earth. None of us are perfect, so we wouldn't be able to get back to our heavenly home. But because he suffered for us, he is the Judge of who will make it and who won't.

Sorry, I am not meaning to preach here. I just wanted to share with you what gives me comfort and peace when all else around me is bad and falling apart. I'll go away now and shut up.

 

[Tinyflame]

No safenow, there is no need to 'shut up', or go away, unless you want to. And for the record, yes, I believe in God, and have clung to Him to get me through since a kid. And no, I don't take offence if people believe or don't, I don't find it mutually exclusive opinions but rather both have their truths and are (paradoxically) quite compatible.

I'm sorry for your losses and suffering. :cry: But I am glad when you have found solace.

I don't know how God feels anymore- if I ever did, that's kind of a joke. Though I believe and agree with what you've said, and thought I experienced what you've described when things made some 'sense', over time I've grown to feel God doesn't want me around, either, despite what He did for everyone (originally), or forgives or overlooks and gives (daily). I don't even know if I care anymore to get to Heaven when I die. Doesn't that sound awful and ungrateful.

I also am not sure how much it brings me consolation to think God is 'there'. Somehow, an invisible God doesn't really comfort me. Though I don't doubt He exists and God-is-God. Sometimes it does, if I'm desperate, the hope or thought that (maybe) He will help or protect or interceed in ways I can't, for myself and others. And so for that I'm truly grateful. Or 'breaks', like today (thus far) I can go in to work later. Thank God for that. But 'love', not sure if I 'get' that. I know that also sounds grossly ungrateful, you'd think getting crucified and everything else for someone who deserves the opposite should be enough to be confident (in the existence of that love).

But, that doesn't make me feel much better, as ingratitude doesn't exactly build my relationship with God, or mistrust or dissatisfaction. Doesn't sound very nice of me to say, I'm really not overwhelmed being alive looking at the beauty of a butterfly. Yet I do not expect relief or anything in the future (Eternity), don't imagine I would fit in to Heaven any more than on earth. Heck, I don't look forward to it, including describing it as a 'banquet', that for me is a turn-off.

Yet, in another way, if God is not merciful, I don't have a hope of getting there, anyway. Because I know no one earns in, but some do more to preclude it. I have to choose to trust (or not) that God is as merciful as my mom thought, I remember her saying after a relative's friend's sibling's suicide (or accidental death, no one was sure), that "God knew he was too sensitive for this world". That is what I was fortunate enough to be brought up with, even my mom said (in her day), there was too much talk of Hell but not enough about God's love, and she wished they would have. So sometimes, I find even in church(es) or the people in them, they think more judgmentally or on a whole different train than my mom did.

Mind you- blah. I don't want to be a burden or a pest to others, either, God knows what anyone else can take.

My grandma used to say, 'live while you're living you're a long time dead'. :) And my aunt would say, 'work and pray' or "trust in St. Joseph".

Thanks safenow (yes you are safe now), ((((((((((safenow))))))) :hug: .

 

[GreenFrog2]

I don't go into how horrible things are. I talk about what I want to achieve, where I want to be. I'm not always ready inside, but I'm forcing myself into that direction. And they are responding.

Everyone: I have been doing some of this too - it started with facebook as I have many old school friends on there. We "friended" each other on joining, but rarely chat. When someone posts something, good or bad, I send them a private message. Most of the time we have a brief exchange (which is nice) and that's it, but sometimes we end up talking more extensively - this has now happened twice in the last two weeks, both with old friends who are going through really difficult times. We have supported each other in a really positive way, talking only a small amount about what has happened to us and a lot about where we want to be and how we will get there.

I was skeptical at first that this would do anything for me, but I am beginning to think that it has. I can see that my life problems are much the same as everyone else's, and it is hard for all of us to cope with the things that get thrown at us at times.

I feel that I am engaged with a community and this is helping me to also feel:

a thousand times stronger

It has taken lots of courage to reach out to people (not about PTSD). I don't go into how horrible things are. I talk about what I want to achieve, where I want to be. I'm not always ready inside, but I'm forcing myself into that direction. And they are responding.

Outside of the forum I also don't go into how horrible my PTSD stuff has been - it's too hard and I think people mostly don't understand. But in both places I talk as much as I can about where I am headed and how I am going to get there. Like Sailorgal I am often not ready, but in forcing myself I am making progress. It is slow and painful and confusing and frightening, but I use the grounding and relaxation skill that I am developing to help me along the way.

The fact that others are willing to engage with me tells me that I am really a 'normal' person! Damaged, broken and frail - but also courage, compassionate, motivated and caring (towards myself and others). So please remember that we care about you and we value you - that's why we engage here with you and your posts - you are important to us.

Anyway just my 2 cents worth - I have been reading this thread for awhile, but was hard for me to post before now due to all my own stuff going on.

 

[Sailorgal]

GreenFrog, the only difference with PTSD is that it's unpredictable. But hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. That is GREAT that you are finding normalcy and more that you can relate to. We don't have to have the same hurts to be compassionate. Often, when others don't understand, they have a hard time trying to be understasnding and find themselves acting awkward as well - so I give people the benefit of the doubt.

Junebug - it DOES matter! It may take 30 years to find a compassionate soul. Maybe only 2. But there are wonderful, caring people who are not paid to hear problems. How do I know? I was one of them. Prior to PTSD, I was the counselor. It is possible to meet caring people. It may be fore just a brief moment but do not give up on humanity. I'm not suggesting you spend your life looking for people to listen. You just never know when that might me. It always takes two. Maybe it starts with this forum. BUT you will find that when we have our issues, we can give off a vibe as well that we normally wouldn't think we were.

Thanks for your sweet response. I hope he feels lucky too. He always told me he loves me more than I could ever love him and that he is the lucky one. Really???? He knows how special my forum friends are to me.

Regardless of people, the person we need to love most is ourselves. We need to trust ourselves. We need to stop thinking first about being a burden. ;)

Hugs to all! :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye, I'm sorry, typed and whole page disappeared. :(

Thank you GF2, yes I think you are brave and compassionate and kind too, especially as to have responded during your own needs. I wish I had had your wisdom and self-understanding at your age. You are a very special person and thank you. :hug:

Dear SG, yes I understand. I fear I have misrepresented myself (or worse yet, others). I too have been the 'go to person' as regards things like that, well so it has been and I've been told anyway. In 'real life' and where it matters or there is an expectation on me (ie work, school, socially, etc) I'm told how compassionate, kind, cheerful etc I am. I most definitely don't bring up negative stuff, and never anything heavy personally and absolutely never ptsd. I only use my experiences to ask others if 'this is how they find something/ what they are going through', in order to see if I am understanding them or can relate and adjust myself accordingly to them to make it easier for them, and to understand. I don't talk about where I'm going, more like where "they're" going. 'Normally', anyway. Except for times like these (and obviously inevitably I regret those).

Notwithstanding, am sure if my defenses are down or I'm not required to project something else, I do send out a vibe. Actually, in some ways that's ok as I'd rather not be approached, seems at times I can't send out that vibe enough.

I think I used to feel, had I said something (more) as a kid or at 14, maybe ptsd wouldn't have occurred. But guess I was 'sending out the vibe' then, too. On the one hand it's good, perhaps it couldn't be prevented. On the other hand, far as the future goes, seems I can't alter it (the 'vibe'), even now.

But, it really doesn't matter, it really does feel like a parallel universe. What others see, and even how I engage them, versus what I feel when I turn off the lights at night (or go have a ciggie break on my own, where no one can see). It actually doesn't matter.

It never really goes away. But no one would know that. Seems I do a good-enough job hiding it. Seems that's also what others want, too. And leaves me no regrets, or no one/ nothing to have to avoid, either.

Am glad for you and your main squeeze SG, hee- we need to call him a name other than "ex". :) Happy days to you! Thank you. :hug: Xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

That one always hurt. .. It hurt me to think that someone who professed to love me so much would allow me to live in such a place.

..thing thing that brought me comfort.. a gift to replace and help me heal from the loss of my other children.

.. the orphanage, while other children thought it was a very bad place, I loved it. I learned how to play the piano there. I learned how to play baseball. I learned how to swim. I got my first decent hug from someone who was kind and caring. I got to sleep with other children who helped me to laugh. Something I had never done before.

So while things were bad in my life, there was always a touch of kindness. I believe that kindness was from God, to help me get through this life of horror. When I think about what He suffered while He was on earth, I want to cry. In fact, I do cry for what he suffered.

I just wanted to share with you what gives me comfort and peace when all else around me is bad and falling apart.

I meant to say safenow, I think the same. And perhaps (in my case) they have been coincidences. Though I don't think they all could be.

I have a lot of admiration for you, to be able not to stop at the 'that hurt', part. I recall melting down once, feeling that way and having to get away, bolt from it literally, but I literally tripped on a keychain in the dark on a road, it had an animal I relate to on it. But most of all, a stylistic flower pattern on it I used to see on a prayer, never have seen the pattern before or since.

I was reminded of it yesterday, because I found it looking for something else, still have it.

So yes, maybe God tries to point out He's there. I do think He has an intimate (first hand) understanding of everything, suffering, sorrow, ridicule, abuse. I heard it said He was weak, powerless, voiceless, vulnerable, stripped. Obviously. So He would understand.

Hugs for you :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

But conversely, I've come across other reminders this morning. I've reached out a lot, received help too, or kindness. But I've been let down a lot.

That sounds terribly ungrateful. :( Seems there's no way to say that without either invalidating others, because that's how I feel sometimes, or invalidating myself instead by ignoring it. I don't like to think badly of others, but I guess I feel badly too.

Yes Sailorgal, I am a burden, because no one has done anything wrong, so that leaves little me little doubt as to I am the cause of the problem. I'm sorry I am so, guess it's hard to learn how not to be. :( Likely by starting by thinking with my head, and not my heart, by not opening up or asking or disagreeing or being around. Maybe that's just being more careful and astute and mature, and more guarded.

Hugs still.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,

When I asked for help from my family I would get into trouble or it would seem that I was being supported but really I was being undermined or I would be met by rage.

Its obvious that I am a failure or a nothing and that this happening means that I am intended to never get any support and that I am a failure as a human being. I was obviously trying to be a burden to others and that is why I was treated like that. I should just accept that I am a burden and never have needs of my own. Just be there for others.

The things that happened to me are all my fault and I should accept that. I can't change anything and it doesn't matter. It isn't important and it doesn't matter.

 

[GreenFrog2]

(((junebug))) (((abstract)))) Your last two posts have made me cry - I have felt like this so often. Especially as a child, when I asked for help, comfort or reassurance I was so often punished by my mother - or ignored. Now I feel that if I ask for help I will be punished again - I think that's why I stayed away for so long and wont ask for help now - even though I desperately need it.
Having a self help plan is all very well and good, but you need to have the energy to implement it- and I have so little energy.

And I wish so much that I could believe the things that you both say about me - I just don't believe that is me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract and GreenFrog2, thank you.

GreenFrog2, I can't go back to your post (different page), but I am sorry you connect asking for help with being punished. I understand, though my connection is more with it punishes others, if that makes sense. It's just WRONG-WRONG-WRONG (feeling).

Yes, those words are true, you said them yourself in the earlier post when you felt a little better or stronger. Maybe it's easier to feel stronger (and therefore a bit better) when the past thoughts or connotations are ignored or even overturned?

Anyway, yes you are, and the words are true. Hug for you, if that's ok, :hug: .

Dear Abstract, you said:

When I asked for help from my family I would get into trouble or it would seem that I was being supported but really I was being undermined or I would be met by rage.

Its obvious ..that this happening means that I am intended to never get any support and that I am a failure as a human being. I was obviously trying to be a burden to others and that is why I was treated like that. I should just accept that I am a burden and never have needs of my own. Just be there for others.

The things that happened to me are all my fault and I should accept that.

Firstly, I am sorry you understand, as you said in the first lines. :( ((((((Hugs)))))))). So true.

I see what you are getting at, and OF COURSE I know (as regards yourself), that sounds so WRONG, can't even think of another word. :( Yes, much I guess is as you said, except I would say I don't think that (all) that happened to me was my fault, but I guess not handling things better (to the present day), yes I consider that my fault or responsibility. And so I guess, like most men feel (though I'm not one), 'wrong' to ask for help (or anything), and not entitled to receive it. That's (atually receiving it) almost worse than the asking.

I have to say, first thing I felt after sadness after reading your post was "Wah wah wah" (as regards myself- NOT YOU). The buck up and shut up principle. I think, and I guess I mean (meant), as regards it doesn't matter, to heck with my whining, already. Still feel that. "Shut up already", is what I actually (pretty much literally) hear. And it seems justifiably so. "Grow up".

But I had also thought, of some things that probably contribute to all of this, or *can*, to anything else. I fall into a narrow recall, sometimes. Well no- often. Where I can't recall anything past, total blank. Similarly, or maybe related, I remember that Pete Walker saying that at moments trust was (is) like a switch, and when it goes off you can't wilfully turn it back on (at some times, mentally or emotionally, I mean). Egad, he describes it better! Anyway, he meant it's not "our" fault, (so to speak), entirely. That actually makes me feel a bit better.

I guess I don't think I deserve help, either.

Also, I think I'm 'zooming out', a bit. I wouldn't have thought I was one to dissociate, not even sure if that's what such a thing is. Just can describe it as impaired recall (at times, or after the fact). Sort-of. Can't really explain it. It's like I can't recall a Bigger Picture- no past. Well, as in maybe the last 10 years. Came back to this, because maybe it's (only) recall of like, 30-40 years ago, maybe that past is the only environment I'm recalling at those times? Does that make sense? I think it makes some sense to me, how I felt then and/ or what I thought of asking for help. Well, 'feel' over-riding much of it.

I was horrified to add to what was occurring, growing up as a child. Any expression of need would have been (felt like) a demand no one needed.

Also, I think of that saying "how important is it?" (And therefore I should stop whining).

Also thought, you'd think I'd have had more problems relating interpersonally, given the way I am. But actually I haven't, I think primarily because I have been around (or they me) people who weren't altogether that nice. Being that way, I never had to have an expectation of anything, things (or people) well, they weren't ever certain, or trustworthy or dependable, or even that sincere (for the most part). Or maybe not "not-sincere", just concerned only about themselves. Not 'bad' people, just selfish (really). Or abusive. Oye. Hard to describe. If they 'slipped through the cracks" and were decent and healthier, or focused on me or gave to me, I was very uncomfortable. Also I just never believed what they said that was positive. Didn't argue it, just ignored it.

Thanks Abstract. Not sure how to over-ride a 40-year mentality. It's all I know how to understand. However, I don't want to be consumed with the "blah" stuff, anyway, either, I mean it's not important in that life is too short, ("too short for this sh*t"- that kind of thinking on my part, is what I think). In a better frame of mind (too), I don't feel that (ie badly or mistrusting). I also always usually think, if (whatever) person died today, or got very ill or was injured, would whatever I felt be the totality of it? Would it be important, or not matter at all?

I guess I do think, that if I think 'badly' or critically of someone they will croak. :( I know that sounds (is) irrational, and it's not even my past. People usually died quite spontaneously (or a couple of horrendous crises occurred) when I was most happy. That I do fear (by association, I think). God-who knows-at this point. :(

Big :hug: 's for you, I hope you are doing ok, xox.