First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

So there I was lying on my bed listening to the voice on the meditation tape - well trying to, could not really focus....then I start thinking about my situation which completely over-rides the meditation voice. Was I wallowing in self-pity or acknowledging that my circumstances are beyond anything that I can cope with alone? As I am trying to re-focus on the tape the dark thoughts just take over.

The dark thoughts are telling me that I have 3 options:
1/ death
2/ solve my problems - which is not realistic
3/ find a way to get my family to support me - which is not realistic.

It really sucks that these thoughts can come out of now where and over ride everything else. Needless to say I told them to shut up, went and had a cool shower (it's about 40 degrees here) and have come back to the internet. They are still floating around behind the scenes of my mind!

And now I am worried that I am spending so much time in bed that I wont sleep tonight - which is truly bad news as I get too little sleep as it is.

On a lighter note as I am trying to keep myself in good spirits - my neighbor has decided to mow his lawn in this heat - and I thought I was crazy!

 

[GreenFrog2]

I am now in a stupor - getting rid of the dark thoughts is exhausting. Being awake is exhausting. Thinking and emotions are exhausting. I am lost at the moment, so terribly sad and in need of help, which is not likely to happen - I can't keep doing this alone.

 

[Abstract]

Greenfrog,
I will come back when I have time but wanted to drop off some support. Fighting it is extremely exhausting. Be extra kind and gentle with yourself. These are hurtful and painful feelings and experiences you have had.

There will be a way of addressing this. There always is. I find the solution or way forward is often not "perfect" or as I would fantasise it to be but it nevertheless is a way forward. Nothing is ever hopeless even though it feels as if it is.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks Abstract, especially for letting me know that fighting it would be so exhausting - can't believe ow tiring it is actually.

Think that I have been fantasizing a perfect way forward because this is new to me and I don't know what to expect. It is very reassuring to read that a way forward is a way forward - so to speak!

I keep telling myself that mindful meditation is great for emotional regulation - and I will keep doing this and comforting myself as best I can - in between bouts of fighting the dark thoughts.

PS: just did an inner child session and feel strangely calm!!!!

 

[ms spock]

PS: just did an inner child session and feel strangely calm!!!!

That is great news GreenFrog2. Keep up all the good self soothing.

 

[amcen]

Hello GreenFrog,

As you seem to not have any help where you are, may I suggest that you go to this forum's chat here and there? Sometimes there is nobody online, but sometimes there are people online and they are always very VERY understanding because they usually know about struggling... Well, this is my own experience.

Please get a hotline to call in case things get too dangerous, too... I think that there are also chat helplines, depending on where you live.

I understand what you are going through because I am going through that since one year, fortunately I am evolving in the right way. Please forgive me I am very bad these days at comforting people, but my heart is 100% with you, and I mean my words.

Working with my inner child helped me A LOT at the time, and it still does :)

 

[nimkekaa]

The dark thoughts are telling me that I have 3 options:
1/ death
2/ solve my problems - which is not realistic
3/ find a way to get my family to support me - which is not realistic.

I wanted to gently challenge your thought on only having 3 options. To me death is not an option as you are worth so much more. Secondly we can not always fight things on our own so I think that you are right on this one. Then you talk about your family and say it is not realistic to expect support from them. I too have no support from my family. I use to have my sister but she has her own major issues right now.

There is a 4th, 5th and 6th option though (and maybe many more that I haven't thought of). Friends, therapists and support groups with people that have been where you have been and can understand and support you are other options for you. Many people in support groups are dealing with the same issues of feeling like they have no support.

I have a couple friends that I can turn too when things get really bad. I have had 2 amazing therapist and I just joined a support group after years of excuses why I shouldn't and I have found great comfort from people who really get it. Its very much like what I get from this forum except we can talk face to face.

I know that when things are really bad for me I have a hard time thinking positively in any direction as well as no energy to work on things. I wonder if you could take the phone and phone book into bed with you. Do you have any crisis lines that can help direct you to supports in your area?

I know this is very hard time for you but in my opinion you are a fighter and I admire how far you have come all on your own.

Just keep taking care of yourself. You are doing all the right things. This will pass.

 

[Abstract]

I still think you are doing an amazing job and on your first attempt at dealing with serious suicidal thoughts! Its very impressive.

Think that I have been fantasizing a perfect way forward because this is new to me and I don't know what to expect

For me the fantasising can be very harmful as the reality then takes my breath away as the contrast is painful. I remind myself there are many shades of grey and things often require steps rather than leaps.

I can very much see why you would like your family to swoop down and save you. Sometimes it helps me to realise that maybe what I think I want would not really be that good for me anyway. The same family that had these deficits in the past is unlikely to be able to solve all your problems. Also maybe if your family did this it would force you back into your families culture or beliefs before you are able to find your own sense of yourself and your own path - your own truth. I think often when I have these thoughts it is about the need to try to fill what I never had in the past rather than what I possibly really need in the present. That may not be the case for you but I thought I would mention it.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I think it can be better to wait until things have settled before seriously trying to make plans or deal with the situation that set off the painful self destruct. So maybe keep that in mind before reading all this too!! :) For me this is because I know my feelings are still raw and I probably will see it differently once I settle down. So it may be better to wait a little if you are still feeling very emotionally bruised.

One of the best ways I have found of avoiding the suicidal stuff is to strongly remind myself that there is always a way forward even though it may not be the one I had in mind. My sister was actually a help with this long ago and I have kept it in mind ever since. And again and again I have found it to be true in my life. And if situations can be "fixed" in the way I hope then they usually involve a process of doing so rather than a magic wand. Sadly.

I am very very sorry about your brother and about the loss and pain you feel from not being there. I can see why your situation would have lead to misunderstandings on all sides. And none of that is your fault. You did what you did to survive and you succeeded. And never purposefully hurt anyone.

I think this was all for self-preservation. I stubbornly held onto the idea that if I rejected him I would be safe. But it hurt me so much to do this.

I think your reaction is totally understandable. Children tend to react in different ways to these types of environments. They withdraw like you did or that act up and become aggressive in some way. Yes you were probably communicating your hurt in the only way you knew how and that is OK.

And I totally believe that environments like you describe - filled with emotional abuse and lack of understanding and support - very much impede us being able to get help later; worsen the effects of trauma and do many other things besides. They can also affect the way we relate to others and make it more likely that we become victimised. But the good news is that all of these things can be helped and changed. Its all a process.

I think there are a lot of potential healing that you may find with your family in the future - if it turns out to be in your best interests and something that all of you can work on. But maybe it is wise to first find some clarity within yourself and healing. A good therapist will support through these types of decisions and help to keep you safe.

Take care.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Oh Abstract - I hear what you are saying about how getting help from my family may not be what I really want, and could be harmful because of old beliefs etc.... this is true and it frightens me so much, but I need help and they are the only people who can / might help me in the concrete way that I need.

I need help with so many things like:
1/ Getting enough work to have enough money to live on -I am getting almost no work and my funds are fast running out and social security does not pay enough to live on. Expect that soon I will need somewhere to live – don’t have the energy to do anything about this. Really I don’t. Far, far to tired.
2/ I also have a lot of debt and really should bankrupt due to my circumstances, but I am too tired to do this - can't concentrate on the decision making and paperwork. If I don't find a way to deal with this and a solution to it I will be homeless in 4-6 weeks.
3/ My trauma - this was caused by several psychologists that I used to work with, and at least one of them has been stalking me for several years. I am terrified of them. My doctor keeps "suggesting" that I see one, but I just can't. I need to move away to escape from them, and will need help to do this from the costs to having somewhere to go and somewhere to live. Maybe when I am in a new place I will safe enough to see a Therapist - but I just can't do it here.
4/ Exhaustion - I can't even begin to explain how utterly tired I am - never enough sleep and so much stress and fear. I lie on my fed, totally slack-faced and unable to think at all. I was awake at 2am and the only thought that I could have was that I need to rest for a long, long time, somewhere safe. The only thing that I could think of was that my dad could help me with this.
5/ Dark thoughts (calling them this as if I call it what it is, it is like an invitation to the thoughts to come back). This happened minutes after I heard that I am not going to be able to get legal representation to seek compensation for what my former co-workers did to me – I had a hope that I would be able to find a solicitor, but I could not – devastating.
Thank you for your supportive comments about how I am dealing with these thoughts. I am trying to make these thought evaporate as soon as they start, but I think they will still be the death of me as the energy it takes to make them go away is more than I have. I am destroying myself to get rid of them.

So, because of all of these things I feel that finding a way to get my dad to help me – to save me, to rescue me is the only way out this mess:
1/ I have been trying to find more work for 6 months – no success. And social security will pay me even less than I am making now.
2/ I can’t deal with debt collectors any more.
3/ I live in constant fear that my “stalkers” will keep on damaging me.
4/ I am so tired it is dangerous, and am sure preventing me from getting more work.
5/ While living here I will not be able to get the help that I need to deal with my thinking and emotions.
It may not be healthy, but with everything on my plate I think it is the only way that I am going to be able to get a break and have a long, long rest without hurting myself. I would love to go to hospital, but if I do that then when I get out everything will be gone – no job, no income, no home. I need help, can’t help myself and need to get away from this place. I think my dad is the only person who could do this – I need to find out if he will, but don’t know how to. We have only re-connected recently due to my finding out that my brother was getting married – I thought this could be the last good “excuse” that I would have to be in touch.

I love him and I miss him so much. I wish the circumstances were different. I need his help – I really, really do. How do I tell him how damaged I am, and how devastated, and how to I ask for him to support me do the things that must be done?

I want to be safe and risking this might be the only way forward for me. Please help me work out what to do and how to do it - I can't see my doctor until Tuesday week. I won't last that long!

 

[GreenFrog2]

PS: I am resisting the impulse to send him an email that just blurts out everything! Would be too much and not helpful, but I have gotten to the point where I need someone to hold me and help me that this thought is there. dumb, dumb, dumb.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Working with my inner child helped me A LOT at the time

Thanks amcen! Glad to know it could be a good thing for me.

I know that when things are really bad for me I have a hard time thinking positively in any direction as well as no energy to work on things.

That's just it nimkekaa - I can't think any more - even the small tasks do my head in and the big stuff is like my brain is being battered - had enough and need to stop and rest and the only way I can think to make that happen is my dad. And while I say that I fully acknowledge that my thinking is totally stuffed - but what other option do I have?

 

[GreenFrog2]

My younger brother was married on Saturday - and my friend sent me some photo's of the wedding on Sunday. I was so pleased that it all looked to beautiful, and my brother so very happy. There were also pictures of my 2 nieces who I have never met - it was a blessing to have seen them. Also my dad was in the side of one of the photo's, and I was happy to see him to. After having a nice good cry about this, and feeling quite melancholy that I was not there I settled down and had a relatively calm Sunday. Couldn't go to Oz Chat as didn't want to upset myself talking about everything. Went to bed tired, but kind of relaxed.

Then......Oh God, I woke up so early and all that I could think of was that I have had enough - I am so very tired that I want to go to the hospital and check myself in for safety. My poor, poor brain. I am broken and fractured and I need support.

Friends, therapists and support groups

Yes nimkekka - I have some friends who have been really helpful, they make me feel human, that despite being such a mess I am still a worthwhile person. They do what they can for me and I value myself due to them being willing to support me.

My doc is doing what she can (and thinks getting my dad to help me would be a good idea). I just don't know what to say to him, and given all the problems that I have on top of PTSD I think that I am going to have to risk asking him to help me. I am sure that it will not be an easy pathway - but to not have his help will be more than I can endure.

This forum is my support group - I probably would not have survived without what I have learnt here. That total stranger will post a reply and offer support, or let me know that they are in such a similar situation offers me more hope than I have found anywhere else.

Right now I am all chocked up. I so want my family. I want to be a part of my family. I want them to help me. I want to be there for them. To confused to know how to make this happen. Overall it seems like the least risky option.

To tired and It's only 6.30am..............................