First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[Abstract]

Hugs if Ok Greenfrog.

:hug:

I don't want to break down because then I won't be able to protect myself

Does this mean that when you are with your father you need to protect yourself emotionally? It just stood out for me. I realise that some of that may be due to the situation. ?

Safe aware steps sound very wise to me.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I will need to protect myself emotionally from my dad, even if he is well and interacts with me in a really good way.

I will need to protect myself from my own reactions and thoughts, from where I am in my life, from shame and fear and hurt - all the things that I am responsible for dealing with and recovering from - that I have not done yet.

So yes much of it is from the situation - he will have questions, might even express concern, want to help and all of that will be terrifying for me. It has been so long since he was able to care for me that I don't know how I will react when / if he does now. I feel that way about my brothers too - I don't have the skills to interact with them in a healthy way at all, and I am so, so tired.

I think that I will breakdown because I don't have the energy to do anything else. In some ways I would like to do so - imagine just being able to rest and rest and rest. (Never mind what would happen afterwards, like no home and no job etc....).

 

[anni]

Have you read Bradshaw's book on shame? ' Healing the Shame That Binds Us '. I almost didn't get past the first chapter when my therapist gave it to me way-back-when. Bradshaw really, really bludgeons the bejeesis out of the words ' toxic shame ', it's actually incredibly annoying. I wish he'd RE-revise the book, in point of fact, and get rid of 45 or so of his use of the phrase. I realize what he's getting at, just geesh, enough already, get ON with the d*m book! He also almost destroyed my faith in anything he had to say by being one of 'those' men who have a serious shot at making the argument against human beings being naturally monogamous. I only add this because that nonsense generally tells it's own story about someone, in my opinion. Coming from someone who sets themselves up as an advice-giver, it's kind of slimy. But. The book itself is pretty darn helpful if you've had the disclaimers first. :) Shame is awful, the single most delibiltating element we have to overcome with this stupid thing, in my opinion.

I don't know. You sound like you're awfully, awfully self-aware about your wounds and the direction of your healing. I keep seeing this here in the forum, members with the ability to identify both pitfalls and strengths within themselves. I had none of these, still am pretty behind the ball mostly although am gifted with hindsight. :) It's a little tough to offer more than a hug and possibly a book when folks are 40 steps and a couple light-years ahead of you. Hugs, if that's ok from someone you do not know, and the book is above. :)

 

[GreenFrog2]

You sound like you're awfully, awfully self-aware about your wounds and the direction of your healing

Yes I am - and sometimes it is far to much to live with. It is like watching a movie!

My doctor has suggested that I read up on Commitment and Acceptance Therapy as this is apparently similar to mindfulness meditation that I have been doing - or they go hand in hand or something - not sure yet.

There are so many different "therapies" and techniques that I am looking into and trying bit and pieces of - within itself that is getting really hard. I think they are all helping, but I have not yet been ale to take the most helpful bits of each and make a "therapy program" for myself. Too much - and I can;t tell you how much I want to avoid it all - just keep trying to scare myself away from it. Why? because what will happen if I get well and have another trauma. And, yes I can see how stupid that is - but that's one of the things that is stopping me.

However, I am doing things to help myself, and move in a valued direction in all areas of my life - and I am taking action to make these things happen.

Just wish so much that it was the end of the year - surely after another 10 months of this I will be much healthier and not in constant fear, hurt, pain , scared, lonely, terrified, shamed. I will have less of these and excellent mindful meditation skills to let them pass me by, instead of having them intrude all of the time.

I have made a recording in my own voice of some affirmations - and I am going to listen to it every night as a part of my going to bed routine.

Craving peace :hug: love, dignity and self possession.

 

[ms spock]

Please tell me how! I get feedback here that is always so positive - that I am a supportive person etc.....

You are also fun to be in chat with GreenFrog2!

I know you can't feel good stuff much about yourself at the moment but it is true. You are fun to be around!

Too much - and I can't tell you how much I want to avoid it all - just keep trying to scare myself away from it. Why? because what will happen if I get well and have another trauma. And, yes I can see how stupid that is - but that's one of the things that is stopping me.

Oh GreenFrog2,

That is not stupid. I can so relate to what you are talking about there.

I have this magical thinking that has dogged me for years. If things go well then something terrible will happen. Thank you for expressing that so clearly.

 

[anni]

Yes, you took the words right out of my keyboard, Ms Spock. It's SO, so not stupid. Gosh, we all got here through trauma, many through traumAS, as in plural, how does one prevent a battle-scarred head from assuming that perhaps that's all there is? Who knows what would be in any of our futures, too, how silly of me to come to this thread and say 'Ohhhh no, there's nothing which could possibly happen in your life, ever, ever again', I think the thing is, how to accept the grace of healing in an uncertain world? That I do not know. The best we can do is be as confident as possible IN our healing, and our psyche's ability to circle the wagons. 'Hope' is great, as is 'Faith'. Both are just words if there's nothing backing them up. Kind of like having that little, indestructable bathroom under the stairs to hide in when the tornado registered a direct hit on the house.

It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can, and it's good enough, too. I don't know about you, but for me, keeping track of alllll the processes we're given to 'do' as regards to our healing becomes onerous- after awhile I start to panic a little, missing something-or-other that day, or having built it all up to the point where it's requiring a huge chunk of plain, old time. After awhile it began feeling to me almost like one more entire person kind of telling me what to do, tough to explain. For me, it was/is whatever works now, then I have to get the heck out of my head for awhile.

That's a lovely thought, recorded affirmations. Funny, never thought of that, thank you!

 

[GreenFrog2]

I feel like I need so much time to heal, but I don't have enough of it.

Oh my god the fear, the terror, the pain, the same, the guilt....on and on and on.......

 

[anni]

I'm so, so sorry GreenFrog. I read that and sincerely wish you did not have to write it, that others had not driven you to this point. There's such a large difference between taking responsibility things in life we know perhaps we need to be shaken up a little over. Guilt is normal sometimes. Our type? Generally just damaging lies our head keeps repeating.

For some Peace, for right now, is it possible for you to get your hands on a book or 2? Marianne Williamson is awfully healing and validating, plus just when you most tend to have a shot at kicking yourself she shows you how to not begin that awful loop. Sheer reason, presented lovingly. " The Gift Of Change " and " Everyday Grace ", would be the ones which I think are her best. " A Return To Love ", probably the best-known, to me is a little TOO in-your-face, challenging, not great for penetrating the PTSD layers and layers of guilt/shame we've shellacked ourselves into for so, so long. Her ' The Age of Miracles ' a little too reflective of probably her own growth, ( IMO ), you just don't feel the connection she achieves with the 2 I mentioned.

Anyway, for a couple reasons, distraction being one of them, plain, old healing being another, maybe Google and see if there's at least some passages from either of those online somewhere. I dislike presenting anyone as some 'guru', it's dangerous for one thing and for another, we have to be our own darn gurus in the end. Sometimes it's incredibly helpful to have someone speak to some of the great Truths out there and inside us. Williamson has uncovered an awful lot of them, reminds us where to find them. You know they're Truths because you just recognize this stuff, it doesn't feel like anything new, just reassuring.

Hugs, I know I don't at all know you, just have an awful lot of respect for what I've read. Thought it couldn't hurt to at least give you something which helps me, has for awhile. If it's intrusive, please excuse and ignore, truly, do not mean to kind of preach. That stuff is so frustrating, feels like no one is listening or using your pain to hear themselves talk. At least please know it's genuine, along with wishing you much Peace.

 

[circe47]

HUGE HUG to you, GreenFrog2-

I am sorry about being confusing in my post to you. I was was trying to relay what I took to be a positive message from a caseworker on the ward when I was hospitalized for suicide attempt. What she said made me really think about things in a different light, I guess. It made me think about how I wasn't giving myself the chance to overcome my circumstances before giving in to the fight for the happy and peaceful life that was my BIRTHRIGHT.

It also made me think more deeply about how I badly I would have damaged the people that know me best, and love me the most, would be by extinguishing my existence in their life. Thinking about my son without a mother, my siblings without their sister, and my lover without his soul mate is enough to give me the strength to fight the good fight. It's been a horrific battle starting with premature birth, and ending up with almost forty some years of abuse and violence under my belt. But, I didn't come this far to let what others have done to me win the war. That all the dumb, self-sabotaging and self-damaging things I had done along the way could be fixed by remembering that I had in return been blessed with the precious gifts of compassion and empathy for the pain I went through. It truly could have gone the other way, as it has for many people who have been traumatized and thus hardened into cold-blooded, heartless people. I wanted to convey that while it may not seem like it, you ARE helping tremendously by sharing and thus not letting others feel alone.

I don't know what your support system is in real life, but know for a fact that it is strong and capable here on this forum. I don't know you face to face, but I honestly feel your pain and wish you the very, very best in healing and finding peace. You are most definitely NOT ALONE. In fact, there is probably more of us PTSD'ers than THEM. Personally, I think THEM is some effed up individuals for hurting us. Or, effed up circumstances, whatever the trauma may be.

I really hate that I...I...I that I do. However, it is simply my way of saying you aren't alone in your thoughts and feelings......

 

[GreenFrog2]

I wasn't giving myself the chance to overcome my circumstances before giving in to the fight for the happy and peaceful life that was my BIRTHRIGHT.

Thank you for these words circe - makes me think that I can find a way to keep fighting for my birthright - a safe, peaceful life, where I love and am loved. I just have to keep getting through each day, one tiny bit of progress at a time.

you ARE helping tremendously by sharing and thus not letting others feel alone.

I never thought that I would be helping others by writing this thread - I have been doing it to help myself. But, if anyone has benefited from it them I am pleased that they have. The loneliness is hideous and if my doing this helps another person to feel connected or to get through even just 1 second then this is a good thing.

is it possible for you to get your hands on a book or 2

Thanks for the suggestion anni - I think that I have enough self help stuff at the moment, but I will keep a note of this for the future.

just have an awful lot of respect for what I've read.

People respect me? I can hardly believe that!!!!! I read the works, but they don;t yet sink in.......

PS: Williamson's idea that we are powerful beyond measure, but to frightened of this to embrace it is so true though - why shouldn't I shine???

 

[GreenFrog2]

I came here this morning desperately looking for grounding and comfort, feeling silly and frightened like a child.

Silly because I let my hopes up on the weekend! I met a really nice man on my Saturday bike ride - I have had an image of the type of man I would like in my life and he was a lot like it! We only spoke briefly as there were a lot of people there, but on my way home I started to wonder the good old "what if". What if he likes me too? What if he doesn't care that I am a basket case? What if, what if, what if? I tried to just acknowledge that he is the kind of man that I would like and leave it at that - so more waiting! Will we meet again, and what will happen?

Message to self: Don't fantasize - just be patient and wait and see - creating a fantasy will only led my thinking astray and cause me more damage. It wont hurt to do some cognitive thinking about this, so that if we do meet again I can stay calm and just talk to him about everyday stuff - if I cry and blubber I will scare him away!!!

Frightened by pretty much everything that I have to do today, tomorrow and what the rest of this year will be like for me - the hardness of it all, the wanting to shine and be who I can be - and the fear of this as well!

Message to self: I think that I am most frightened because I don't know / have never know what it is like to shine. I know that I am so very scared of more trauma, of getting well and having it all taken away again, but ??Is it the newness of what that will fell like that is so frightening??

I can't even imagine being safe, secure and beloved......this might be why I can't really internalize the positive comments and compliment that I get here - too scared to!

PS: I had a facebook message from a friend who reminded me that my dad has never been very communicative (thanks for that mum) - to have weekly emails fro him, no matter how brief, is almost as amazing as an alien abduction!!!! He also said that my brothers and I had never been close (thanks for that one too mum) and to expect them to be very standoffish - so glad to have this put into clear perspective from someone who knows us!!!!

Message to self: It has been over 40 years of being being disconnected and apart from them, even when we were growing up I was not included, and I have been "run away" for over the last 10 years, so of course it will take a long time to make some kind of a family out of the mess - my goal of the end of the year is a healthy rime frame - they will need time to as we were never going to just fall into being close again! So, again I have to be patient with them and with myself as I have a long journey ahead of me too!!!!

As for today? I have work this morning and then I will go for a walk and then prepare for my interview tomorrow!!!!! This is a must get job. Once I have it I will then work out how the hell I will cope with it!!!!!

 

[ms spock]

Good luck with the job interview GreenFrog2!