First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

Hi Junebug!

GF2, it takes time to make sense of things, it can't be rushed it seems.

Yes it does - I think we will all be on this healing path for the rest of our lives.

I am glad for these responses - although they made me get a little defensive at first! They have also made me slow down and see the good things that are happening inside my head space! Yesterdays processing of my early work experience helped me to see how often I have accepted "yukky" circumstances - it was because I did not have the tools to deal with them in a better way.

Lack of parenting was a big part of this, and my well developed habit of withdrawing due to my mothers 'parenting style' were the reasons that it took me so long to develop good communication skills - although I often don't use them as I am too withdrawn. It is a vicious cycle. But I have gotten better over time.

Just writing this I am thinking of so many times when I withdrew when people were trying to discuss things with me - they were explaining stuff, and I was so scared that I would withdraw even more - even though they were trying to help me!!!
I think I did this / do this because after my first experience of work I went to my mother for help (silly me) and she turned away - I needed he to talk to me about what had happened and explain how to cope in such situations and from memory she was disgusted with me!!!

Just thinking back on that I am now going to have to go back to my journal and process this part again. I deserved to be supported at that time. I deserved to be parented and trained in life things - in my journal I am going to provide this parenting to myself again now, but this time it will be the good sort of parenting - then I am going to go over all my other bad work experiences and do the same thing!!!!! At the same time I will be journaling about my current work so that I can improve things in that area as well - and not repeat past mistakes, which I think I am at risk of doing as I am so tired and distressed.

 

[Footie freak]

Hi greenfrog. I think, no I know I have been to that dark place and yes I had the thoughts and urge to take my own life on more than one occasion but the main reason I did not act on it was because I didn't want someone finding me, and for that person to be traumatised and suffering in the way we are. Instead I told myself I would see my GP about the feelings, then I told myself I would seek counselling. Now I have got myself a job and take part in the sport I love, football. I find that as it is a team game I have more friends to be around and have a laugh which helps. It is hard, and some days I don't want to do anything .... Small steps, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day we will get there. Keep fighting. X

 

[winterose]

This is not an option for me - they caused my adult trauma and no way that I could trust one now.

I too was traumatized. Ok, here it goes. You ready for this one? I ended up marrying my therapist. He had me so manipulated it wasn't funny. I was also dealing with Don's stalking and he witnessed so much of what I had tried to tell the cops and my friends. He was there. Convinced me living by myself I couldn't have been happy etc. He put me through so many head games it wasn't funny. He is also a Clinical Psychologist. Which translates he has more training then a regular Ph'D and he is the kind that is trained to develop tests. So, yeah my head got royally messed with. We got divorced 6 years ago.

However, after 6 years of total chaos and regressing, I had enough and decided to take what I knew and look for help. I was inches from really ending it. And that scared me. I held my best friend in my arms as she died waiting for help to come. I promised her I would go on. I promised my dog she'd never be hurt again. And the huge promise, there was a kid that died in the ring that had me. At one of the parties. She never made it out. I did. I owe it to her to keep fighting. Those became my reasons because I could not find reasoning inside myself anymore. Plus the pain got so huge it was killing me.

I understand the defensiveness too. It's ok. I didn't respond more because you are in a critical place and I didn't want to hurt you more. If I failed at trying to help, I am sorry. Truly I am. It was my own lack of knowing what to say and not wanting to make things worse. I did hope you saw how strong I see you though. I have found out myself that when I spin, it is because the answers I became comfy with no longer fit. I just know that finding those answers is individual. And it takes asking alot of tuff questions. I do see you as an amazingly strong person. And I am glad you are sharing too.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I have found out myself that when I spin, it is because the answers I became comfy with no longer fit.

I think this is pretty true for me to - not that the answers are wrong, just that they don't fit anymore.

As circumstances change I need to dig deeper and find better answers - problem is that I often can't get to the right questions as I am so tired and run down. That's one of the times that I ask for help here - to get myself thinking in a new way so that I can understand where I am at in my journey towards health, and to help me find the next steps to take.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I am trying to convince myself that I am making progress. I have started my new job today, with some training. The work is only casual so how much I get will vary - I am trying to get myself to see this as a positive!

I started my new job today - this is a really, really good thing.

What am I thinking most of the time? Worried about how much work I will get and pretty concerned with some of the things my new colleague said - especially about how boring the work is and how stressed she gets! Great :( I did not need to hear that today! I have been pretty apprehensive about it - partly just new job nerves, but also worried about how I will cope given my current mental state!!!! I was doing OK - actually doing really good until, she started speaking negatively about the work, at this point it was hard for me to keep myself positive and I have been fighting the negativity for the last 2 hours - it is now taking over.

Ah well time to get back to my journal and:

in my journal I am going to provide this parenting to myself again now, but this time it will be the good sort of parenting

This is what I feel I need to do - pretend that I am my parent and go over all of the hard parts about this job and reassure myself, just simply provide reassurance to myself - I deserve that. Then I will focus on what I can do to cope with the position, that:
1/ I can do it (because I know I can)
2/ come up with ways to cope with the boredom and the stress (which I believe will happen)
3/ ways to implement positive thinking and behavior of all the things that I am learning / re-learning so that the positive thinking and behavior become the normal thing for me and
4/ how to stop myself from getting angry about what ever is happening - there will be less than nice days at work and I need to dispel the anger this causes so that I don't push myself into depression again.
5/ Remember that this job is a stepping stone - I don't have to do it forever, it has taken me 5 months to get it and I cant afford to blow it. It will give me the income I need to have some security (short term) in my life so that I can get better and then move onto something which I will enjoy!

I just hope that I can actually do this - it gets hard to focus much of the time and I feel a bit like that now - but I am going to get started at least!

 

[Whitneys story]

Greenfrog, You got the job. Outstanding, I am so happy for you. Breath and repeat.

I do hope you can avoid the negative co-worker. This is your time to shine. As you are needing to balance, not having to much work is a plus. Possibly she is the wrong one for the position.

Allow yourself to be the judge. You may like the position once you become familiar with it. You have worked hard to come this far. Please get some good sleeping time! Yes you have done it! I am doing a happy dance for you. Remember to plan nourishment as well.

Looking forward to how day two goes! Whitney :tup:

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks Whitney!

Yes I got the job! Breathing and letting that sink in - am waiting to feel the relief, although that might take some days to happen!!!

I won't be working with the lady who is training me - but I think she was being pretty accurate about the position. Fortunately I won't be stuck in a windowless office in the city, being bored and stressed - I will be in country areas so there is a little room there to make the work a bit enjoyable, but I will have to figure that out as I go along.

I am OK with not getting full time, but would prefer to know how many hours each week well in advance so that I can budget - but they may not be able to provide this with any amount of certainty!!!!

But I am going through the process of convincing myself to believe that I got the position and that I have the skills to do it well and adapt as needed so that I don't get to bored / stressed. The current journal work I am doing is helping with that - it is amazing how when I process something enough it fades away, and takes quite a bit of other stuff with it - maybe never to return!

My sleep has been pretty good lately - which I attributes to meditation - I now do this every evening and when I get up in the morning. The 'skill' is slowly developing and I hope, like with everything else, it will be well acquired by the end of the year.

I am doing a happy dance for you.

Thank you!!! I am working up towards this - when I believe I really have the job and that nothing really bad is going to happen - then I will be able to join you in a happy dance!!!!

Day two is on Wednesday - will keep you posted!

 

[Whitneys story]

Meditation is so beneficial. One can actually obtain the rest of 8 hrs with a short amount of time.

Oh yes "bad happen" that past programming and fear. This is a new journey. You have the knowledge to act should something not be right. You are in control now. You are stronger now. Please don't allow your abusers by reacting to past.

So much of our struggles come through cause and affect. Act and react. We can act with our new knowledge or react to past programming. Just my humble opinion and years of practice. Whitney

 

[GreenFrog2]

I am all chocked up - mindful meditation is helping a little bit! But as soon as I deal with one thing there is another one to cope with. It's only 7.30 in the morning and I am already tired - even after having a good nights sleep (maybe 7 hours with no nightmares :) ).

I know that I am much healthier than I was a few months ago - I also know that by the end of the week these issues should all be over and done with - but right now, I can barely cope. I have a Doc appointment this morning and then off to work and all I want to do is go to bed and rest - to get rid of the stress. Hahahah - if I go back to bed I will just think about everything, and won't be doing anything about any of it so it will only get worse.

So I know that I have to soldier on through the day....breathe, ground, meditate.......

On a positive note I had a lovely email from an aunt yesterday - just so nice to hear from her after all this time, and to have her being pleased that I had gotten in touch. I will wait a few days, until I am feeling a bit better, and then reply to her - I know that she knows what my dad got like, and think that after we have been in touch for some time we will be able to talk about it. I am really looking forward to having someone who knows what he was like and from the family to talk to about everything that has happened.

I am going to use this contact to help me ground today and as the thing that I get to look forward to once all the work and stressy stuff is finished.

So much of our struggles come through cause and affect. Act and react. We can act with our new knowledge or react to past programming

Yes! I am learning to "act" not "react"! It has been another exhausting thing to cope with - but I am making some progress! From the meditation that I do I have learnt to pause before I act - I wait a second and breathe - then I think and then I speak / act. It is producing some really positive results for me - am really looking forward to having this as my 'normal' behavior, supposing that if I keep 'behaving' in this way then I will keep 'acting' in this way and continue to get positive results. But it is hard to do when I am tired.....

It really is like being a child being trained in how to be a good person - I will be going back to my inner child work on the weekend,as I enjoy doing it and I can see myself getting positive results using it, meditation and the CBT stuff in combination.

Wait, breather, think, act......

Looking forward to being proud of how well I have coped with today when I get home this evening!

 

[Whitneys story]

:D Outstanding! I hope you are having a wonderful evening, don't forget to take time to savor the words you wrote!

Looking forward to being proud of how well I have coped with today

You can do it! ((((((((((GF2)))))))))) Whitney

 

[GreenFrog2]

Everything I have learn't feels like it has gone out the window.

I am sitting here falling apart - too many difficulties, and too many triggers.

The job that I thought I had appears to not be happening for the time being, and although I have gotten some extra work from the other people I work for, it is not enough to keep me going. I can't pay my rent because they have not paid me yet, and although I keep telling my self they will pay me next week, and then I can pay my rent I am not 100% sure that they will. So the future on the work and money front is now worse than ever and more stressful than it has ever been before.

One of my old friends is having many problems with her teenager daughter who is back on suicide watch - I might not be far behind her, only there is no one here to watch over me. It is so dangerous, and I am having to be really careful with my thoughts.

I am so mentally tired that I have not been following my self care routine - bad idea!!! I know this, but is it barely possible for me to to anything at all. I have just printed a copy of my self care list, and will do everything that I can to get some of these activities done today. I actually got 8 hours of sleep last night so physically not to tired....but my back it pretty sore which just adds to the pain.......

My dad has emailed me with lots of questions about what happened to me - I can;t answer. Just reading his questions has caused so many flashbacks that my mind is in turmoil from this as well. I have told him that I can;t answer - it's too hard, and to please not ask again. I can only hope that he will respect this.

Meditation reminder: Time spent distracted by the future or past is time that you could have spent doing/experiencing things in the present.

What am I supposed to do when being in the present hurts so much that I need (really need) to hide in an imaginary future where everything is OK?

OK....breathe, and breathe again. Coming here has been a good start and making a copy go my self care list is also a good move. Next I will:
1/ see if there is anyone to chat to on facebook.
2/ Walk and yoga for my back.
3/ meditate some more.
4/ write in my journal about work and money / CBT to stay away from suicidal thinking / my dad and how to get him to accept that I can't talk about what has happened - and for him to ask is really bad for me.......
5/ positive list of the things that I have done today
6/ positive affirmations........

Just hope that it works and helps me get through today and tomorrow and then next week.......

((((self-hug)))).

 

[GreenFrog2]

Imagine trying to meditate and the suicidal thoughts just keep trying to take over.

I had to stop and come back here - the last thing that I need is for that kind of thinking to embed itself into my meditations.

It was really frightening.

I want my problems to get sorted out - and I am the only one who can do this - but how when I can't even breathe without having an anxiety attack. Nothing seems to be helping me today and I am far to fragile at the moment to be able to deal with it all.