Fk This, Fk That, Fk Everything

[Deleted member 28403]

I don't know what to do. My dad is on road atm and won't be back for a day or so, and my mom is raging. It's 11:30 PM. I can't sleep and am feeling really anxious. I hate everything.

After 2-3 days of holding in poop I pooped today, it took me almost an hour, due to stress and stuff. During that time (It was 10 pm) my mom raged around and threathened me with taking away the bathroom key, kicking me out of the house, breaking down the door and similar. She says she won't give me any money for this week, which means around 5 days of Breakfast and dinner only, as I have no time to go home. She says that the country law doesn't say she has to feed a 'good for nothing' kid that 'does nothing all day'. She just criticizes me all the time and makes me hate myself. I get anxious more often now and she just threathens me with taking away stuff from me. My phone, right to leave the house, toilet key, room door and so on. I hate her. And everytime I try to say something for myself she just goes crying about how ungrateful I am. I hate her. I hate everything and just want it to stop. I have stomach ache more often lately. I hope I can get through this night without suicide. I'm panicking about how I will get through the day tommorow, as I can't sleep and have been laying in bad for hours. How will I do anything without food money, as I got no time to go home as transportation takes time. I hate her. She asks more than I can offer and only criticizes me. Only time she ever compliments me is when she telks someone about how 'she made a good son', and even that is barely ever. I hate her selfishness. She doesn't give a f*ck about all I do, all the work I do. I don't trust anyone anymore and my mom thinks depriving me of stuff is a great way of disciplining me. She says that I can survive for 40 days without food, if I drink water. I want to kill her, and then myself. I just want to end it all, stop all this crap. I want to end it. I have no more nerve for this shit. She just barged into my room. I want to kill her. She doesn't want a son, she wants something to show off with. I hate her. I am currently so near to choosing one kf quick-ending paths.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your mother sounds wretched. Does she have a personality disorder? Or is that just her sunny disposition shining through? Its sort of disgusting that anyone can have a kid but you have to go through a screening process to get a dog. (No offense to you or anything, just thinking out loud.)

I don't know what kind of support you can get in your country, but can you talk to another trusted adult? Can you open up to your therapist and tell him/her what's going on? I know that you blame a lot of this on bullying, but I'd say that your home situation could be just as if not more traumatizing.

What are the abuse laws like in your country? Not allowing someone to go to the bathroom is VERY much abusive! Then threatening to not let you eat?

Does you dad turn a blind eye to your mom's behavior?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

My dad is not home at the moment, and my mom just sets herself as a victim. One time I was hungry and she didn't want to give me the dinner, though I've been out working for hours and when I didn't want to move and she started pushing me and hitting me she started jelling that I'm being violent. Every time I say a word for myself she says that I'm jelling, no matter how quiet I say it. I have 2 younger brothers and 1 older sister. Age distances between each one is four years. I don't know if she has any disorders, but she is an extreme perfectionist, in a bad way. She built up a theological faculty. I'm an atheist and moving onto becoming like my father. She believes that if she achieved something like that she is super qualified to be a mother. All they do is pay some money to someone to tutor me few grades higher stuff which I then learn and become good at, while they don't really do anything themselves. My mother judt offends me. Telling me I'm stupid and stuff. Lately I can barely concentrate on any work. There is a lady which they paid to take care of their children. I spent more time with her than with them. The older of my little brothers just spends the days in front of the computer all day, or destroys stuff around the house, or jells around. And they blame me for all that. I feel empty, and feel pain i my stomach and uneasyness in my throat. I want to puke, but last time I puked was 4-5 years ago when I had salamonela. The laws in my country? I don't know, by what I hear from my parents they are allowed not to give me food if I don't do my work, but I don't even have the strenght for work anymore. I hate myself and want to die, but blood is messy to clean up, and there are no cherries to extract cyanide. I don't kniw if aiifill be able tj finidh thos post anymore. I cab brely see from tears.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No offense but your mother is a certified nut case. Are you at all familiar with narcissism? It seems like she might have a few narcissistic traits. I asked if she had a personality disorder as it sort of sounds like she's up that alley. Of course nobody can say for sure. I'm just concerned about her belief that she is super qualified to be a mother because of some accomplishment? I was SO joking about this with my hair dresser (who is gay and childless). We were venting about how kids are so shitty these days, running around, throwing tantrums and parents think its cute with no behavior correction at all. (I know you're young but I'm not making some veiled reference to you.) So anyway he goes on about how he's sick of mothers thinking they are "special" just because they have kids, because the truth of it is that having kids is no "miracle" (if it was, there would be like 10 humans lol) and the only qualification for being a parent is that you have had sex. (Unless you're Mary, but that's another discussion for another day.) So my point is that there is nothing that makes you qualified to be a mother other than being able to perform a simple physical action that can take as little as what, like 30 seconds? Your mother is pretty high up on that horse by proclaiming she's soooo qualified to be a mother when she treats her own children so horribly.

It sounds like you had something called a nanny? Someone who takes care of you? And private tutors?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Yes, my parents are constantly talking about me failing in life if I don't go o competitions. They tell me I won't achieve anything if I don't work on getting high place on the competition. So they found an university physics assisstant who is finishing up PhD and he works with me. Lately they started same with German, as thry believe school teachers aren't qualiefied enough, with which I do agree, as I'm better at math than the teacher. I had a nanny, but she is almost a part of the family. She has been the nanny to all of the kids. My sister, me, and is for both of my brothers.

My mother is a person that wants others to feel guilty often, so she just talks about all the money they put into me, and how much they worked on me. But I don't even care anymore. What use do I have of being smart. I would rather be dumb but happy than intelligent and good at stuff, but filled with this half the time. I want to puke, die, dissapear, be cut up into pieces. Madness and insanity have arrived.

 

[Justmehere]

Both your parents treat you really terribly. They scapegoat and blame you at every turn! Please do not end your life because of them. Please hang in there. You are already so much better of a person than they are by reaching out for help and working as hard as you do.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Justmehere

Probably won't be suicide, just no sleep and a lot of pain. I had only 5 or so suicide attempts total.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Hi @otakujome

I am sorry you're parents are causing you this level of hurt.

I'd like to take a moment and share my heart with you. At first, I started to post this here, on your thread, regarding your pain. But, I deleted it. It's your hurt, and I didn't want to come across as marginalizing your pain, because I am not. And, I couldn't let it go, and I realized why I wanted to take a moment and respond to your thread, about your hurt. Because, I believe in the end, my motives are selfish. I am doing it for me.

I'm not one, to throw rocks at glass houses when it comes to anyone desiring suicide. Heck, the monster and I are quit familiar with one another. Do you know the monster? If you don't, you've not met all of the faces of suicide. I'm the Glass House, Home Owner's Association President. I am the president of this glass house community, so I can never condemn anyone for wanting suicide. I'm just lucky to have survived it. I don't know, maybe it wasn't luck, perhaps, fate, tended to the affairs of my life and allowed me to live another day, on the night, I wanted suicide.

It says I am an active member of My PTSD forum. If you will allow me to ask you, please, allow my status with this community to resonate with you...I'm an active member of a forum for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am 45 years old, and there's so much more, I'd like to be doing with my time, than trying to pick up the pieces of my life Delayed Onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder brought down around my head 2 years ago.

I was once 14. I can remember hating my parents. I used much of the language you used to describe them. And yes, they should have been brought up on charges, and because of a county mental health department intake, when asked why I turned to suicide, they contacted child protective services, on my behalf, even though, the abuse had been nearly 30 years in the past. They were mandated by law to report.

I was once 14, I lasted until I was 16. I am an active member of a forum for PTSD. The reason why I didn't want the county health department to contact the authorities, I no longer have contact with my parents. I am 45 year old today. I was once 14, I lasted until I was 16, I turned to suicide, I have PTSD from a failed suicide, 28 years ago, and the crazy parents that were hurting me and wanting suicide...are no longer apart of my life. I have my life. But, it came at a very high price. A price, I wish I had never paid. I wish I had never paid that price, to be able to speak to you about experiencing the monster because when it slams into your life, and grabs you and pulls you into the earth, your parent's will not be there. You will be alone, and it's terrifying. I have PTSD because of a very similar situation, you are in. I lasted 18 months beyond my 14th birthday. I have scars, everywhere and I disfigured my body. It was the price to pay to live another day, and that's really a huge irony. I hurt, every day from the disfigured body after the failed suicide. I couldn't feel my body for 2 years, but it was the price I had to pay for wanting suicide and changing my mind at the end. I had to go a very long time without the care of a surgeon. But, I thought I wanted suicide. As it turns out, I didn't want to die, but it was to late for me to have all of my life back.

I wish, someone had reached out to me. I wish, my skin didn't burn with fire from the scar tissue. I wish, I didn't have PTSD. I wish, my family wasn't developing secondary trauma because of me.

I realized after turning to suicide, I was much stronger than I thought I was. I used to think, my father who beat on me and made me bleed was the scariest thing I had ever faced. Pulling the trigger to a gun aimed at me, was 1,000 times worse than anything that man could ever hope to dish out on my life.

Forgive me for being, slightly sarcastic. I would rather be honest with you, and hope I have reached you, perhaps, get tossed out of the community but know I did for you, what no one did for me before my desires turned to reality but turned to nightmares. Maybe you're thinking, "oh yeah, that wounded scribe is all bad and scary talk like"...but if you do persist, and ignore the sound advice you get here and from me, rooted in experience, when that moment of regret slams into you like it slammed into me, perhaps, you will give me my due.

Turns out, I was wrong again. I am sharing this because I do care. I care for anyone who hurts so badly, they feel, we feel, suicide is what's best for our lives. This is so wrong...there's so much to live for. Find a calendar if you have to, and count the months when you can move out and away from them. I am not familiar with your country, or culture, but what rescources do you have access to get help? Child Protective Services?

Take Care....

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Failing in life? Well maybe that would be true if the only marker of human worth was on what you do in your career, but the truth is that it isn't. There are TONS of people out there who are at the tops of their field yet I'd say they were pretty much failures as humans in that they never accomplished anything in areas of life that really count.

What you need to do is use your intelligence to your advantage. You already know that something is wrong and you have a desire to fix it. Do you know how many people never even make it that far? There are SO many people who simply fall through the cracks because they aren't as intelligent, they are sidelined by society and end up taking whatever they are given. Its quite sad as many don't get the proper kind of treatment. But, you are smart enough to know that something is wrong, you know that you need to push through this, and you are taking steps to get help. Give yourself credit for that!

Don't let your mom win. I know its tough because right now you're stuck with her.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Wounded Scribe

No matter, I can barely stop thinking of the emptyness that isn't filled with nightmares. Scribe, I read your story. You scary talk like? Not to me. I've seen stuff many never will. If anyone was to see my though flow at this moment and feel it fully, anyone not used to madness. They would scream. They would scream. Like I do scream inside. I can't stop imagining the "what if" on madness not being there. The emptyness that isn't just in such stste until demons fill it. I can't stop thinking of the feeling of nothingness, void of pain, for that I would gladly sacrifice even that little happiness there is, as welll as inflict others sorrow. Move away from them? Seems like around 4-5 more years till that. Is it really worth it? Why not just end it? I'm going crazy, and my mind is unpleasant, painful. I want it all to stop. I want the permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I won't do it tonight. I don't know how, but I won't.