Flashback Sort Of?

[Fadeaway]

A few nights ago I had an a-typical flashback of sorts. I guess you could call it more of an emotional flashback, but I didn't understand the origins of the emotions, I could only recall times in my life where I responded a certain way due to whatever happened. Play dumb and feign ignorance. This fear of "What if they find out I know."

I could recall many times in my life where I unnecessarily felt that way and responded as such even though it was inappropriate to to do so or feel that way given the circumstances. I just have no clue why I felt that way. I am not so sure it was related to trauma. More likely, emotional abuse.

My T has asked me to keep a journal of when I what I was doing and what I was thinking prior to flashbacks and panic attacks. I had just started doing this. Could that have resulted in something like this?

 

[Tanishq]

Fadeaway, sorry to hear you are suffering from this. Do you have hard time understanding present moment? Like hard time to understand what's happening with you?

Do you struggle with staying aware?

 

[user27357]

was this a nightmare kind of thing? I often wake up totally consumed by old emotions that have no place in my current life but were a necessary part of survival during childhood. It is getting better, I am not lost in time and space like I used to be, I used to wake up not sure if I was in my parents home and 11 or in my own home and present day. And it is still getting better, I can get myself out of the instant fear and depression and fight or flight responses pretty consistently these days. Therapy works.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Tanishq When I dissociate, it is kind of like that but not exactly. Sorry, I am not fully awake enough to explain.

@enough Nope, I get what you are saying about nightmares, but I was awake when this happened. It has only happened just this once.

 

[ghotiff]

emotional flashback, but I didn't understand the origins of the emotions

I get emotional flashbacks. The easiest ones to recognise for me are the fear ones. I'll be in a coffee shop and feel intense fear, but I'll look around and no one else shows any signs of something amiss. Fear makes sense given my abuse, but I don't actually remember feeling fearful in a clear way.

"What if they find out I know."

This would make sense if you ever had to hide your trauma from anyone. I would expect that everyone with trauma has had to hide or downplay it at some point in their lives, so to me it seems a logical emotion.

Are you more trying to understand it at this point? Does the above help with this?

 

[Fadeaway]

Are you more trying to understand it at this point? Does the above help with this?

Yes, and yes thank you. I didn't thank about it stemming from having to hide my trauma but that makes sense.

 

[Tanishq]

@Fadeaway I am sorry to ask questions in difficult way. I wish you find answers for this. Good luck to you.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Tanishq No reason to apologize. Like I said, I wasn't fully awake, Still not. low blood supply, procrastinating on getting another blood transfusion.

 

[Tanishq]

Fadeaway, I understand you are going through very hard time. I hope this passes soon for you.