I moved last week, and have been getting flashbacks this week. Lump in my throat, depression, intrusive memories, and thoughts of suicide have been my life the past few days.
My body went into flight or fight anxiety last week a few days before I moved as the day got pushed back last minute, and I had to completely reschedule my move. I got through ok, and the only thing was my fast heart beat, rapid breathing, or not breathing, body tense, and stress. This week everything was great up until a few days ago, and I got intrusive memories I couldn't control. Then, the depression followed, and trouble staying asleep with bad dreams.
I read this awesome book about a Tibetan monk who was tortured by the Chinese, and his amazing perception that helped him through. It was very uplifting, and inspiring. But, all I can think about now is how disgraceful I was while being tortured, and how humiliated I was by going into a psychosis because it hurt so bad. I was angry, shameful, disgraced, isolated, blamed by my parents and put in a mental institution (after this I went into a psychosis), heavily drugged with antipsychotics, told I was hallucinating repeatedly while in there by my parents and the mental hospital, I felt dirty (it was a sexual offense), and heartbroken. It was very real what I went through. I hated myself before it happened, and even worse after it happened. It took a lot of years to kinda love myself.
I just couldn't hold it together while I was being humiliated. I couldn't hold it together. I went full blown psychotic and became a little girl sucking my thumb at times even though I was 17. I had no grace, but I couldn't have had any given my upbringing honestly. It was humiliation upon humiliation upon excruciating emotional pain over a lifetime of what I thought were kept secrets that led up to this. Needless to say I did not have the grace of a trained Buddhist monk. I don't even think I had the grace of a normal teenager I lost it bad after I was drugged up and told I was hallucinating over and over.
I am on an antidepressant, and mood stabilizer. I got off of the antipsychotic after I stopped my period for a year, and started losing my hair (side effects to drugs that decrease dopamine receptors or whatever they do). I wish I could be on the antipsychotic as it made it so it was hard to think, and I was flat lined watching the same tv show series over and over and over all year. I'm back to human and was doing great until the move kicked in my flight or fight. Now, I am left with the after affect of major ptsd. I should workout to change my brain chemistry, but I'm locked up and physically feeling sick as the last time I was tormented and the truth of the situation was shoved in my face I started projectile vomiting in the mountains in my car. I now get shaken and physically sick when the ptsd is bad.
It will get better. Some days are amazingly great, and I'm full of gratitude. Just gotta live through the suicidal feeling days.......
My body went into flight or fight anxiety last week a few days before I moved as the day got pushed back last minute, and I had to completely reschedule my move. I got through ok, and the only thing was my fast heart beat, rapid breathing, or not breathing, body tense, and stress. This week everything was great up until a few days ago, and I got intrusive memories I couldn't control. Then, the depression followed, and trouble staying asleep with bad dreams.
I read this awesome book about a Tibetan monk who was tortured by the Chinese, and his amazing perception that helped him through. It was very uplifting, and inspiring. But, all I can think about now is how disgraceful I was while being tortured, and how humiliated I was by going into a psychosis because it hurt so bad. I was angry, shameful, disgraced, isolated, blamed by my parents and put in a mental institution (after this I went into a psychosis), heavily drugged with antipsychotics, told I was hallucinating repeatedly while in there by my parents and the mental hospital, I felt dirty (it was a sexual offense), and heartbroken. It was very real what I went through. I hated myself before it happened, and even worse after it happened. It took a lot of years to kinda love myself.
I just couldn't hold it together while I was being humiliated. I couldn't hold it together. I went full blown psychotic and became a little girl sucking my thumb at times even though I was 17. I had no grace, but I couldn't have had any given my upbringing honestly. It was humiliation upon humiliation upon excruciating emotional pain over a lifetime of what I thought were kept secrets that led up to this. Needless to say I did not have the grace of a trained Buddhist monk. I don't even think I had the grace of a normal teenager I lost it bad after I was drugged up and told I was hallucinating over and over.
I am on an antidepressant, and mood stabilizer. I got off of the antipsychotic after I stopped my period for a year, and started losing my hair (side effects to drugs that decrease dopamine receptors or whatever they do). I wish I could be on the antipsychotic as it made it so it was hard to think, and I was flat lined watching the same tv show series over and over and over all year. I'm back to human and was doing great until the move kicked in my flight or fight. Now, I am left with the after affect of major ptsd. I should workout to change my brain chemistry, but I'm locked up and physically feeling sick as the last time I was tormented and the truth of the situation was shoved in my face I started projectile vomiting in the mountains in my car. I now get shaken and physically sick when the ptsd is bad.
It will get better. Some days are amazingly great, and I'm full of gratitude. Just gotta live through the suicidal feeling days.......
