Flashbacks And New Relationships.

[bell]

So, I have two different types of flashbacks. One type that is more emotional where I go back to being a little kid again and react like a terrified child. And then when I'm starting a relationship and getting intimate with someone I physically try to fight them at first because my brain switches back to fight mode.

My brain switches off in different ways in both situations. And, in short, they humiliate me. And I've had a lot of therapy about both of them. Because of the humiliation (and immense shame) I feel about them, I've avoided relationships because they cause flashbacks.

But... I'm entering those waters again and terrified... because not only do I have the "I have PTSD" hurdle to jump, I also have the "I have not 1, but 2 different types of flashbacks" hurdle. I feel like they're too much to handle. I'm actually crying just typing this because a) I know the flashbacks are going to happen and they scare me and b) I'm going to have to deal with telling someone about them, which also scares me.

I don't know what kind of response I've looking for here, maybe stories of people who are in relationships where flashbacks have been an issue you've gotten over? Or that I'm not alone in flashbacks getting in the way of me getting close to people?

Edited to add: There's also a 3rd fear here! Covering the whole "I've avoided relationships for a long time because they cause me flashbacks" part. While I know that if someone I liked had these issues I would be there for them 100%, the thought of finding someone (that I also like that much) giving me the same courtesy seems like an impossibility. I just feel like such a freakshow, even though I know everyone has their own problems, I feel like I have too many compared to most other people, making me not worth the extra effort.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Bell,

What you're referring to sounds awful familiar to me. You are definitely not alone. One thing about your post that I'm not clear on: when you "physically fight" the other person is it during a flashback; is it more like you try to equalize the power between the two of you; or, do you literally try to engage the other person in a physical fight as in hitting, slapping and kicking, etc?

 

[bell]

I'm equally happy and sad to read that this sounds familiar, @DMerish. Happy that I'm not alone in this and sad to hear that you have dealt with something similar.

Basically, when first in an intimate setting alone, when someone puts their hands on me, I actually start fighting them. Pushing them away, trying to overtake them, etc. Ugh. So humiliating. It's like I can't even control my hands anymore, something in my brain starts fighting to prove that they won't overpower me, because primally I can't be in that situation again (where I'm overtaken by someone else's physical power and have no control over what's being done to my body). As a result, they get confused about what's happening and I get confused about what I'm doing.

In a word, it is a buzzkill. And I try to recover from it, but usually end up withdrawing, curling up, and crying, which makes it even worse and even more confusing. Each time I try and convince myself it won't happen again, and then it does. And so I usually don't even make it past the first date because I'm so nervous about facing all of this over again. (Although I'm approaching things really slowly this time, the anxiety about all of this is still looming over my head.) :(

 

[RussH]

Hi Bell,
As a guy I can tell you that if a women I cared about took a chance and shared, with me, her fears, and the kind of flashbacks she experienced in a relationship, I hope that I would feel honored that she trusted me enough to share something so personal, and secondly I be supportative and help her work through those issues, so that we could enjoy a rich relationship together.

 

[DMerish]

In a word, it is a buzzkill.

:( is right. That would be a tough one. What's gotten a hold of you is different than what's gotten a hold of me. My issue has more to do with being mentally or emotionally "over powered", i.e. manipulated. I won't highjack your thread by going into details.

I think what Russ mentioned has a lot of merit. Think about it: when somebody opens themselves to you and is honest, doesn't that make you feel closer to them? Doesn't it make you want to adjust yourself a little in order to have/maintain a connection? Doesn't honesty feel good, even in the moments when it's not something you particularily want to hear?

For me it's true, because honesty brings about the possiblity of the type of connection IMO we all long for - that of showing myself to another person and being receptive to the other person showing themself. (I'm unsure if I worded that very well)

I'm sorry I can't suggest ways to overcome the reactions you have based on my experience. However, if I had the kind of reactions you describe I think I'd do the following: (1) look into having Reiki sessions, (2) join a martial arts program/learn how to defend myself physically and increase my confidance, (3) begin having massages, being clear with the massage therapist what I'd like them to do, what I don't want them to do, and why, and perhaps work my tolerance level up to engage in Rolfing. Lastly, but probably most importantly, if the reactions you described happen with someone I honestly liked and was hopeful about having a real relationship with (rather than sex only*), then I's be honest with them (as Russ suggested).

* If knew the purpose of wanting to be with the other person was purely selfish, for my own emotional reasons, or had any question about my motive being purely sex based, then I'd stick to simply being friends with the person and using my toys. I don't believe in "casual sex" - but that's just me.

I hope others will chime in, Bell, so you can get some other perspectives of how you might go about addressing the issue.

Kind regards,
Drew
P.S. Just relax a moment, okay? Because here comes a hug :hug:

 

[bell]

I hope that I would feel honored that she trusted me enough to share something so personal

Thank you @RussH, for your kind response and that is my hope that someone else will think that, too! :) Although personally I didn't realize that it was an honor to have someone share something with you until I started explaining my own trauma to others, I hope that others are realize this sooner and that there are other dudes out there that feel like you do.

For me it's true, because honesty brings about the possiblity of the type of connection IMO we all long for - that of showing myself to another person and being receptive to the other person showing themself. (

@DMerish, yes it is what we all long for, isn't it? And thanks for the hug! (Also, you worded that well!) I totally agree with your suggestions, as they are good ones! I know that honesty is the best policy, it just sounds like I'm problematic/a drama queen, when once I push past these flashbacks with someone, I'm much better. (Although that's only happened once.)

I hate that my first instinct when a man (how this makes me so ashamed as well, that it's a gender thing) I don't know that well touches me is to defend myself. In fact, I've lived in shame with that fact for longer since I was without it now. It just seems like such an ugly truth, really, and so against how I live every other aspect of my life, with a fully open heart. And along with that I have to steady myself and make sure I don't go into the other kind of flashback, which makes me look like a loon, too! :/

Thanks for your thoughts and for making me feel less alone (and weird!) with this. :)

 

[Em C.]

If it makes you feel any better the first time my boyfriend and I got intimate, as we were lying down to go to sleep I started having crazy flashbacks and was convulsing for a good hour or so first beside him and then on the floor. And he and I are still together :)

It does suck though especially when you never know if it will happen or not! I was very ashamed and felt awful for weeks; it had been literally a few hours after the "I have PTSD" conversation. It may take them a bit to absorb but if you find someone who really likes you for you and there are not any 'warning signs' going off in your head, then they should accept it or at least ask you how to help deal. He also (because of PTSD and other fun things) had to help me walk home as I was a ragdoll and kept collapsing all over the place. It is hard to "get your foot in the door" with stuff like this but it does make stuff better when you find the person that helps you with it!!

Hugs and message me if you wanna talk about how to bring it up... I've done it a lot :P

 

[Seasounds]

@bell: It is so reasonable to consider someone would support you, through challenges, as you would them.
I would think that as you know yourself well, and as can coach him on what you need-during aggravations, your conversation will take fear out of the air.

@Em C.: It is helpful to know that the PTSD reaction happened to someone else, at first.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear bell, you can steal yourself to a lot, and work through exposure therapy. Knowing the triggers is half the battle! :tup: (I have triggers and emotional and rare other flashbacks and fear anyone will ever grab me by the neck OMG, what I'd do :( :eek: ) But I think ultimately if you don't have the time and can't eventually establish enough of the degree of safety it won't be what (who) you want to continue seeing. You have to choose wisely as Russ said. :hug:

Thanks @RussH , that's sweet of a man to say.

 

[Seasounds]

There are some movement therapies that help interfere with 'reflexes', so you feel more at choice. They calm down the flight, fight, freeze response.

 

[RussH]

I hate that my first instinct when a man (how this makes me so ashamed as well, that it's a gender thing) I don't know that well touches me is to defend myself

Bell when you have been traumatized by someone it is natural to want to defend yourself in similar situations. It is nothing to be ashamed of; something to consider is, when someone touches you unexpectedly and innocently, and you respond, just tell them that they startled you. Most people will understand.

Otherwise just tell them you are uncomfortable being touched by someone you don't know well.

 

[bell]

First of all, thank you for all of your kind responses. This is all so embarrassing for me, not to mention frustrating, as I've worked so hard to get my mind together that the first kind of flashbacks worry me less than the latter, the ones which my body seems to rule.

@Em C., thanks so much for sharing your story and I am glad that you and your boyfriend are still together! Yay! And so glad to hear that he stuck it out with you. It sounds like you found a good one! :) When you felt shame afterwards, did you discuss it with him or just keep it to yourself? (That "aftershame" -shame hangover?- is the worst!)

And thanks, @change, for the kind words and movement therapy idea. It's crazy how we ourselves can be so accepting of others, yet think that no one will be accepting of our selves! I guess that's all part and parcel of meeting wrong people and right people, at first, you never know what they're reaction is going to be, so you have to face possible rejection.

@Junebug, ah, triggers! So not fun! But something we have to be exposed to, nonetheless in order to "get better!" I just hate that my body gets so out of whack that it operates "on its own" so to speak, even when my brain is telling it to do otherwise. And, yes, time and developing a sense of safety! I just have to establish that I need both, something that in this age of dating seems impossible sometimes. Bah.

Thanks again @RussH, for another kind response. It's so weird sometimes thinking about possibly being in a relationship with someone with no trauma background... that sometimes I don't even give them the chance to show me that they're either okay with it or have had some sort of trauma in their lives as well and can understand.

So much of this is related to the "speed of dating" these days and how most people don't want to take things slow. I think that's what causes me the most anxiety when meeting someone new is wondering if they're going to be okay with taking things slow or are going to want to be speedy instead.