Flashbacks And New Relationships.

[WillowMarie]

While I know that if someone I liked had these issues I would be there for them 100%, the thought of finding someone (that I also like that much) giving me the same courtesy seems like an impossibility. I just feel like such a freakshow, even though I know everyone has their own problems, I feel like I have too many compared to most other people, making me not worth the extra effort.

I can totally relate. Especially when so many have proved they don't want to handle me or try to understand. I try to remind myself that I deserve someone who will be patient and try to understand where I am coming from. Someone who lets me feel what I am feeling and be okay with it. Not tell me that I am over reacting or a drama queen when I get triggered.

I remind myself that if people can't give me the same respect and compassion I give to others, than I don't need them in my life, I am better without them. You deserve having patient and compassionate people in your life as well that will try to understand you.

 

[Em C.]

@bell

"When you felt shame afterwards, did you discuss it with him or just keep it to yourself? (That "aftershame" -shame hangover?- is the worst!)"

Hi Bell :) Yes I did discuss it with him but he had an exam in the next few days so we didn't talk about it too much. He was worried about me and wanted me to be okay but other than that didn't really care about me having crazy flashbacks in his bed at 4 am. I still feel incredibly guilty but he's a great guy so it isn't too bad. Aftershame was made worse because how I had reacted had never happened to me before so I didn't know how to react and had to go to the doctors after I left his house :p

 

[Nellie]

Hello everyone, my name is Nellie :) I am so glad I found this because I am going through something similar and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. On the rare occasion that I try to 'let someone in', I end up having a meltdown and either push/scare them away. The rest of the time I don't let them in in the first place. I'm scared of my out-of-control reactions during flashbacks when it comes to being intimate with a man, and of having to explain why I've never had a boyfriend even though I'm 28, and of having to explain that although I'm pretty much hypersexual, I'm completely inexperienced when it comes to consensual sex and it will probably take me a long time before I trust someone enough to be with them. I really want to start dating, but I'm terrified, and that terror kind of acts like a wall which pretty much rules out any guy getting to see 'the real me', so it's hard to attract guys in the first place. It's like the minute I want to get closer to someone I do everything in my power to make them go away. Not really sure what to do... Sorry I didn't start a new thread for this, I'm not really sure how to. I hope you don't mind adding my stuff on here. xo

 

[bell]

I remind myself that if people can't give me the same respect and compassion I give to others, than I don't need them in my life

@WillowMarie, thanks for this. For some reason until I read that it hadn't clicked for me, that I *need* someone in my life who cares as much about me as I care about others. And, more importantly, I should not stop until I find someone who does just that.

@Nellie, I'm so glad that you found this forum and that what I'm talking about is making you feel less alone! I have my first date in a looong time tomorrow and am trying not to psych myself out and to remember that I made a big point about wanting to hang out as friends first... And all day I've been trying to remind myself that I need to get to know someone before we get to that point where I freak out. And that that's okay. It sounds like you need to go slow with someone, too, and that's okay. I think that if we're allowed to feel safe with someone without the pressure of getting intimate, the walls will more easily (and safely) come down. Or at least that's what I hoping anyway, fingers crossed! (Oh, and I do everything in my power, too, to push people away...)