NovemberStar
Platinum Member
I'm sorry, I didn't know which board to post this in. I chose this one in the end because I feel behind the depression and derealisation is the flashback ...
Long story short - childhood abuse (mainly physical from my mother), her sudden death (which I witnessed ) as a ten year old. PTSD symptoms from ages 18-25. recovered and fairly stable life (no flashbacks or PTSD) for fifteen years. Earthquakes (hundreds of them) triggered PTSD again. past two years on and off. until last month, I had 6 months without symptoms.
The past month: panic attacks, severe depression / suicidal thoughts and feelings, flashbacks. The flashbacks stopped for about two weeks when my meds were adjusted - even felt happy for two weeks!
The flashbacks are back, worse in the past few days. As is my mood worse. I'm pretty sure I get depressed instead of feeling the feelings with the flashbacks. It's like I 'shut down' - get depressed - to stop the flashbacks coming back to full blown memories. Does anyone else do that? It's sub-conscious.
These particular flashbacks are of an incident I cannot remember. So many things I COULD remember - but I do not remember this incident. I feel its coming to the surface though ;(.
All I know so far from glimpses is - I fled to my bedroom. I was feeling completely overwhelmed, incredibly alone, depressed, afraid, suicidal (I was about 9 or 10?). I felt I had NO ESCAPE and my life would always be like this. I started to experience 'what' happened - a flash of feeling so terrified it literally felt like the breath was being sucked out of me, as I got to my bedroom door. I put myself into the bedroom cupboard. After a while, I went and sat by the bedroom window. I was suicidal, hopeless, helpless, completely alone and forever stuck there.
I'm really struggling to feel 'sane' right now. The past and the present feel like one. They are mixed up. I feel things are not 'real' ... which is dangerous, because if this - life as I am experiencing it right now - is not real, then I 'could' kill myself, because that is also not real. when I was a child, I was unable to take my life (I did not have the means or knowledge - although I did try to drown myself when having a bath - I thought if I put my head under the water, I would drown and not come back up. I was VERY depressed when that did not work).
I see a therapist twice a week. I have started with a psychologist to learn CBT ( i very much struggle with 'grounding' as it makes me so much worse). I have just enrolled with the Psych system, but am waiting to have my first appointment with the psych nurse (who is off sick).
I do not know how much longer I can tolerate all of this. I don't know if I WANT to 'go through it to come out the other side'. I cannot imagine life without this anymore.
The glimmer of hope is that maybe if the flashback comes back fully - if I feel safe enough to do so, I might be able to remember what happened, face it, and feel better.... maybe this is all there is ... maybe it is just this one flashback 'left' to heal from???
Long story short - childhood abuse (mainly physical from my mother), her sudden death (which I witnessed ) as a ten year old. PTSD symptoms from ages 18-25. recovered and fairly stable life (no flashbacks or PTSD) for fifteen years. Earthquakes (hundreds of them) triggered PTSD again. past two years on and off. until last month, I had 6 months without symptoms.
The past month: panic attacks, severe depression / suicidal thoughts and feelings, flashbacks. The flashbacks stopped for about two weeks when my meds were adjusted - even felt happy for two weeks!
The flashbacks are back, worse in the past few days. As is my mood worse. I'm pretty sure I get depressed instead of feeling the feelings with the flashbacks. It's like I 'shut down' - get depressed - to stop the flashbacks coming back to full blown memories. Does anyone else do that? It's sub-conscious.
These particular flashbacks are of an incident I cannot remember. So many things I COULD remember - but I do not remember this incident. I feel its coming to the surface though ;(.
All I know so far from glimpses is - I fled to my bedroom. I was feeling completely overwhelmed, incredibly alone, depressed, afraid, suicidal (I was about 9 or 10?). I felt I had NO ESCAPE and my life would always be like this. I started to experience 'what' happened - a flash of feeling so terrified it literally felt like the breath was being sucked out of me, as I got to my bedroom door. I put myself into the bedroom cupboard. After a while, I went and sat by the bedroom window. I was suicidal, hopeless, helpless, completely alone and forever stuck there.
I'm really struggling to feel 'sane' right now. The past and the present feel like one. They are mixed up. I feel things are not 'real' ... which is dangerous, because if this - life as I am experiencing it right now - is not real, then I 'could' kill myself, because that is also not real. when I was a child, I was unable to take my life (I did not have the means or knowledge - although I did try to drown myself when having a bath - I thought if I put my head under the water, I would drown and not come back up. I was VERY depressed when that did not work).
I see a therapist twice a week. I have started with a psychologist to learn CBT ( i very much struggle with 'grounding' as it makes me so much worse). I have just enrolled with the Psych system, but am waiting to have my first appointment with the psych nurse (who is off sick).
I do not know how much longer I can tolerate all of this. I don't know if I WANT to 'go through it to come out the other side'. I cannot imagine life without this anymore.
The glimmer of hope is that maybe if the flashback comes back fully - if I feel safe enough to do so, I might be able to remember what happened, face it, and feel better.... maybe this is all there is ... maybe it is just this one flashback 'left' to heal from???
