Flashbacks During Sex

[KAT]

I haven't seen her yet,I go later today. It's funny I was just thinking I don't know if I had convinced my inner child that it was all my dads fought. I know intellectually that it's not my fought, but emotionally I keep thinking 1. I'm not fit to be around other people. 2. How horrible that I reacted that way. 3. My inner child has a lot of problems. 4. I still don't want sex

 

[Nyx]

Take these ideas to your T, they are a great starting point to work on.

As Lucy said, try not to force yourself to heal overnight, unfortunately it doesn't happen that way. It takes time, patience and hard work. But you'll get there!

 

[KAT]

I've seen my counselor. I told her everything that I have been feeling. I cried almost the whole session. My inner child does not want to hold on to the shame and hurt I have been feeling. Now I have to fight my own negative feeling about what happened with dad.

Sometime he would stimulate me then rape, sometimes beating then rape, sometimes just the rape. It's overwhelming and I can really get down on myself. I have to fight critical parent all the time. When I'm critical on my self, I wonder if it means I'm critical to my inner child?

Also sometimes when I am hurting from the abuse, I can't understand why I was put on this earth to endure so much horror and pain: why didn't dad just kill me. I know this is harsh, but its the way I feel. So I'm fighting this to. Is this a type of denial? When I feel like this I want to isolate myself from the world.

Sometimes I just hate the flashbacks that I have. So I start to punish myself by feeling horrible, so I'm going to try really hard to keep feeling good even about the flashbacks because I know my inner child needs to show me what happened. This is not easy, I must be ever vigilante.

 

[KAT]

You know you guys I'm starting to feel better. :)

 

[Lucycat]

brilliant!!:)

 

[Mitzi]

I'm really glad you are feeling better. Sending you hugs if that is okay.:hug:

 

[aditi]

Hi Kat, I have/had the flashbacks too, and had all the self-loathing all my life. My rock bottom was 2008 and now in 2011 and lots of therapy it's really getting better. Because it took a while to get rid of the latest abuser it has probably been slower than it would have otherwise been, I don't know.

I was terrified to feel that pain because I thought it would overwhelm me, had blocked abuse memories and kept a lid on it for so long that the self-loathing was (I thought) a permanent part of me I was carrying around, but once the pain starts to come out and we can process it it does get much better as you're starting to see and hooray for that! :D

Try to see this pain as healing and necessary. You can't heal what you can't feel. It's exhausting and it made me angry that I had to do all that work because of other people's abuse, but you will be a new person afterwards, I am sure of it.

 

[Lucycat]

You can't heal what you can't feel.

I like that.
I had shut off feelings for so long and have really fought against the need to feel pain again, but I get it.
Thank you for sharing that. It is always good to hear that hard work done now really can make a difference.

 

[KAT]

Thank you guys for the words of encouragement.It really helps.:hug:

 

[RdeC]

Flashbacks are a sign of healing but that's not really any consolation in these circumstances because it's ruining your sex life and causing you great distress which you then associate with intimacy with someone you trust and feel safe with - causing you yet more distress and so becomes a vicious cycle. Maybe consciously recognising the signs and working through might help but it will take time. Cognitive restructuring to address the self hatred / self blame issues that inevitably result from CSA is essential in order to displace all the unhealthy cognitive assumptions we make as children in our feeble attempts to understand what has happened to us and our role in it.

Lean like hell on your T and be open with your partner so he can support you as effectively as the circumstances allow. Change is possible but, sadly, it is a slow process and must not be rushed: baby steps all the way, I'm afraid.

Sorry I can't be any more use than this.

 

[Rumors]

Great post RdeC and I am sure the author will read, however as you reply look in the bottom left hand corner for the date the thread or post was originated! ;)

I took plenty away from your post though!

 

[RdeC]

Ah, yes....oops! :oops: :lmao: