Flashbacks? Snippets Of Past And Present Time Confusion...

[NovemberStar]

Hi.

It seems my symptoms are always changing or morphing. When I work out what is happening and come to know how my head is working PTSD wise, it changes again. Over the past week I've experienced 'new' types of dissociation that I know I had as a child, but have not (to the best of my memory) experienced as an adult.

It's taken me a long time to work out that I DO have flashbacks - I've described it as 'the past and present touching' and momentarily, I am confused as to what is the past, what is the present, and am I in a dream and when I 'wake up' will I be back in childhood? The flashbacks come with images and feelings and sensations like I am EXACTLY back there. They are very brief - another reason I did not know they were flashbacks until recently (I thought flashbacks had to last for several minutes for them to be flashbacks but know that is not necessarily true now).

Yesterday I woke up very dissociated - I struggled to wake up; it was mental, not physical. I had to 'go to sleep' in the evening - in bed by 7pm - because my head was shutting down. So things are a bit stronger symptom wise lately.

But then I'm having these strange experiences where I'm not sure if they are flashbacks or not. My usual flashbacks are very brief - i.e., a couple of seconds, with the resulting confusion as to what is the now and what is the past, lasting several more seconds. But the past two days, I get time confusion, but don't seem to have a 'flashback' (image and associated feelings with it). It might be, that they are so short I don't realize it is / has happened.

Example: I'll look at my cat or dog, and something triggers me into an almost thought of my past - I (think) I somehow stop it before it gets to a image / flashback - but I will feel fear and think 'why is my cat / dog' in the past???? Another example - I'll be walking down my hallway, a smell will remind me of my childhood home, and then I will be confused for a few seconds and wonder why the house I am in now, is in my childhood. Another example would be, I hear a song on the radio, a song I know did not exist when I was a child, but i'll be left momentarily confused as to 'how has this song gone back in time, to be a part of my childhood????'

EDITED TO ADD: ok, I can see the second example, probably was a flashback - as I had a smell to trigger me being back in my childhood home … but not in the other examples.

I'm probably not making any sense ;(. It's hard to explain. Just seems I get confused as to why belongs in the now and what belongs in the past. it IS like 'the past and present are touching' - or more like, things in the present have been taken BACK to the past. I reassure myself, it is just the PTSD, and I'm not 'going mad'.

I just hope someone else can help me understand it better? Or tell me you have had it too?

Yesterday the dissociation was pretty bad. And because it's things in the PRESENT that trigger the flashbacks and this 'time confusion' stuff, I cannot tolerate 'grounding' because of my intense fear of further flashbacks. (Sorry, that is also hard to explain - I'll just say 'grounding' is something that has never ever worked for me, and actually makes me a lot worse - I get more strongly dissociated).

Can anyone relate? Is the 'past and present' confusion stuff a different type of flashback (i.e. it is a flashback but I just don't realize it), or is it something else? Either way, it is very unsettling ;(

 

[Meteorology12]

Some times when I wake up it takes me several minutes to realize where I am. I was abused all my life until I left home at 19. The past thing you describe I can somewhat associate with. Sometimes when I am in a confrontation I go back to a little child and feel the exact same way I did then. I don't think I have flashbacks (no vision that I can actually see), but I feel just like I did when I was a kid. I remember everything that happened, it all come rushing back like the waves of the ocean. My thoughts race and I become manic. I can hear the words in my head,(although they are not audible in my head) like someone standing right there saying them to me. Sometimes it takes me several minutes to realize that the person I am arguing with, isn't going to harm me.

 

[Faerie]

I do this some too, but I never thought of it as flashbacks. That would make them make a lot more sense though! A lot of times it's smells that do it, but sometimes it can be a situation. Since it usually doesn't last long I always thought of it as a weird sort of deja vu, but yes, it can be quite unsettling!

 

[NovemberStar]

I've made an appointment to see my psych dr tomorrow. THe dissociation is at a level I have not experienced before, not since I was a child, anyway.

It's become 'The New Normal'. I want some reassurance from my Dr, and I've only met her twice before, but I think she's pretty good.

Might need a med change, or use more of what I have already.

It's scary, although I do have faith I won't act out in ways I did last time PTSD was this bad for me (arson when very dissociated).

 

[shimmerz]

The way I have dealt with the time confusion issue is in understanding that we are all trained (and it takes a long time) to learn how to adhere to a time structure. It does not come naturally to us it is a social construct. When therapists would say to me 'stay in the present' while I was having a flashback I would shoot back 'this feels like my present'. They were not impressed but that is how it felt to me. So I learned that I just needed to note the feeling. Acknowledge it. I have to admit at the beginning I was having hundreds (no exaggeration) of flashbacks a day. After acknowledging it I would try to focus my eyes on something in the room and I learned to train my eyes to take it in and move to something else and so on. Flashbacks are rare for me now although they do still happen. I don't always understand them but I know it will come when my upper brain is ready. It has been a very large lesson of patience with myself, which I realize I don't have a ton of. I am working on it. :-)

I don't know if that helps at all @NovemberStar but I give you a big virtual hug (if that is okay with you).