I’m sorry you’re having this experience. I can’t say that I relate 100%, but I did experience a lot of self harm by cutting. I realized that, for me, there were a few different types of cutting.
1- I cut to make the urge go away.
1a
Sometimes I would get a feeling in my left arm, or my side that it needs to be cut. I couldn’t explain to myself why because it didn’t feel related to anything, it felt more like a distraction, but the urge would get so annoying that I would cut myself to make it go away.
1b
Sometimes that urge would form in my right hand. Where I just felt the need to cut something or destroy something, but could never justify destroying anything that couldn’t heal, so I would cut myself. That also seems like it was a way to distract myself from unwanted thoughts.
2- I cut to punish myself
Sometimes I would get very anger owth myself, or very sad and feel worthless. When I cut myself out of anger, it would also be a sort of disconnected rage, but perhaps be related to a flashback that made me angry with myself (seems like what you mean).
3- I cut to have a wound.
I found that after a couple years of cutting that sometimes I would want a wound so I had something ot take care of and to watch heal. It would feel good because after I cut myself (for whatever reason) I acted as my own carer, as if cutting allowed me to be nice to myself and feel like I had meaning. I would talk to myself like I was taking care of another person (things like “it’s okay, we’re going to get through this. Do you want me to get you some hot chocolate and watch Netflix?”) and then I would be almost childlike in response to myself and feel like I had someone supporting me. It seems more messed up now that I write it down than it felt at the time.
Anyway, thanks for reading my long message. I have been free of self harm for almost 16 months now and I would love to help you out if you want to send me a personal message. I hope you felt like you could relate to this in some way. You are not alone.
