Fng Intro

[Deleted member 33437]

Hi,
Apparently an intro is a must on here but I am not ready to disclose too much info beside the obvious.

1. I am Canadian, I'm still currently serving hence why I do not want to disclose too much.
2. I'm Reg Force going on my 12th year (Active duty for other nations). I'm on my way out, don't want to but it sure looks like this is where I am heading.
3. I am beyond scared, financially, mentally, emotionally... I've been on the pucker factor since I was diagnosed with this shit spring 2015. Hmmm what else?
4. I have two combat tour under my belt (Afghanistan and Thank you come again).
5. I'm on meds up the ying yang, still increasing and it pisses me off.
6. I'm barely keeping my head above the water as I am trying to understand what is going on with me and my head. Weird stuff like me not getting the EMDR stuff, not able to cope with any little stressor or daily stuff, not able to learn and retain stuff, difficulty reading, difficulty sleeping, difficulty with my memory (I have like 5 alarms on my phone to remind me to take my meds and I STILL forgets!!!!)
7. I am beyond suspicious or everything, everybody and I trust NO ONE (hell not even my docs)
8. I see my psychologist once a week since my diagnosis and my shrink and MO every months.

Anyway this is me, sorry didn't mean to be rude or anything but I am not ready to disclose my mental health to the world. To me this is something very private, humiliating and embarrassing/shaming. You can tell me it's not all you want but to me this is how I feel.

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome to the site. Spend a little time reading and you'll realize most of us were or are in very similar shape to a degree.

Stress in the PTSD part is a bitch! You have to learn to balance it. It's tough, and doable.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome.
Intro a must, disclosure up to you.
I'd recommend doing some research on the medications you are taking as they could be increasing those symptoms that you are feeling.
With the memory etc.

 

[Deleted member 33437]

Welcome.
Intro a must, disclosure up to you.
I'd recommend doing some research on the medications you are taking as they could be increasing those symptoms that you are feeling.
With the memory etc.

Yes that is exactly what I have been doing... nothing on the reading and the computation of the words, my doc calls it dissociation but I can't seem to find out why I can read but cannot comprehend what I am reading! I read and re-read over and over, it's frustrating, exhausting and above all embarrassing as most of the time it happens when I am in public :(
I've googled the shit out of this and came up with only the main dissociation example and not what I am going through. MTF

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome hope we can help

 

[Kaishi]

Welcome buddy. Glad ya found us.

Can you bite smaller? Take the pieces of things to read that you do grasp fine, no matter what, build understanding of whole the text on that?

 

[Deleted member 33437]

Can you bite smaller?

It doesn't happen all the time, it's usually when I have to fill those course critic/surveys and such at the end of courses or at counters or admin office for filling forms. And I get stuck on 2-3 words and the rest you know... I look like a freaking idiot. Trust me I can usually read normally. Even the simpliest task is overwhelming it seems now.
Really nothing like I used to be, you know normal human being stuff

 

[Kaishi]

Yeah stress is never helping (and at times phrasing - quite frankly academia's language is so much just for the academics, but not for people of other walks of life. Ditto bureaucracy. I can't f*cking read so many of forms for jack. Leases and all, having someone else deal with that shit. No puedo.

No f*cking wonder you get stuck.)

You ain't no idiot, just remember that, mate. Surviving tough shit, surveys can suck it. Can you remind yourself of your strengths, when being stuck with stupid forms happens?

 

[vikingr24]

First, welcome. And you are anonymous and no one unless you reveal yourself, is going to shame you here. We understand anger and guilt and depression, and all the other moods and distress you are having. And there is no worse or better. We don't judge here except to help.
Second, a lot of your stress processing involves the area of the brain that also handles active recall and quick processing: the HPA axis. (HPA - hypothalamo-pituitary-adrenal)

But the hypothalamus is the one that does a lot of the work when you are stressed, or taking some drugs that affect it. When you are trying to process a thought requiring a rapid response, a memory gets "sent" via a neuro-transmitter called transmit RNA (ribonucleic acid). These RNA stick to the walls of the hypothalamus and produce eventually a "memory" that helps you process an event. Call it "cache," the same way a computer "holds" temporary storage. Those T-RNA don't stick when you are upset or especially when you have had a TBI. What's the first thing a TBI patient answers when asked "What happened?" I don't remember.

Eventually though, they can remember if the damage is not too bad.

So be patient with yourself. Learn to breath. Settle down. Take your meds as prescribed. (A lot of us have and are on that trip, so we can help.) And find a good therapist. The latter is the hard part, especially when you feel (as we have) you cannot trust anyone. You will eventually. Not everyone but some and that's often enough.

Stay tuned and welcome. Be patient with your Self.

 

[Deleted member 33437]

Wow Viking, you medical? It makes a shit load of sense what you said

 

[vikingr24]

Parajumper, search and rescue. surgical tech, certified military EMT. USAF. Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand. There are guys and girls here who are good medics too.

I do not miss it at all. Good luck. Stick with us.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

That does sound legit.
I think all that shit comes from the effects of the med's man. They give us all this shit and it's clearly an attempt to suppress memories.
There is absolutely no idea what the hell those chemicals are doing inside of your brain unless you take the pill and sit under some machine
that x-ray's your brain as the chemicals interact. I found I had no chemical imbalance from PTSD contrary to Pill pusher belief. But once I had taken the drugs and went with out I THEN had a chemical imbalance caused by the drugs. Which they market to sell for profit.

Even now after being off the drugs it's taken time to regain my function and I still never feel as "Normal" as I did before.
But on the drugs it was super bad with misplacing my wallet, or not even remembering shit I just had set down and left the room.
I was furious. And still am thinking about it.
I don't trust that shit and there is a good ass reason not to. There is ZERO proof that these "legal" drugs work as they are intended to.

I hope I am not being too blunt I don't mean to come off an asshole. But I gotta tell it how it is.

**Edit** Those mother f*ckers will sure as shit kill you before taking a pay cut for losing a client on whatever NotGiveAshit Pill. As Lt. Col. Dave Grossman states in his books on killing it's usually the easiest when you don't have to see it up close. "Here's a pill, oh he never came back, must just be stubborn... Next!" - Pharma.