Forgive Me?

[TSG]

I was told to check this site from a PTSD forum. That forum was the first time I have really talked about anything to anyone as I have no therapist, no psychiatrist, no friends and my family doesn't care, preferring to pretend nothing happened or telling me to get over it. I keep it all inside. The only creatures on Earth who care about me are my dogs.

I will apologize ahead of time because I seem to come across as mean and hateful and spiteful and bitter and angry in my posts. These emotions and sentiments are compounded, daily, it seems. I know that it comes across that I hate everyone and everything, including (and especially) myself. I wasn't always this way, honestly I wasn't, and I don't like it but don't know how to stop. I truly and honestly don't mean to be this way but I am filled with rage all the time. I have two colors within me, red and black. That is who I am, now. I don't mean to offend but I probably will. I hope you can forgive me. I am hurting and alone.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi TSG and welcome to the Forum,

I am sorry that you are hurting so much, but you will certainly find you are not alone here.

I can't pretend to understand rage, as anger is an emotion I have 'blocked out'. However I do understand how feeling in a way you don't want to feel is so difficult.

I am sorry to hear that you have no therapist. I am sure it would help you to have someone to offload all the rage to. However, as long as you don't 'attack' other members you are free to vent off on here.

I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Regards
Lucy x

 

[TSG]

I think/hope you will find me to be very respectful to others here. The rage is mostly against me and God and to people who destroy other people. It is my own postings that will likely be offensive as I hate what I have become and I hate those who perpetrated the change, against my will. Vent is the right word but it won't be AT anyone here, and that's the truth.

I did try a therapist a few times. One told me that there was really nothing that could be done with symptoms so severe. The second was right after the most recent and severe attack when the fear was worn like a blanket and I was terrified to leave my house and terrified of everyone. She left me each of both sessions sitting in a waiting room surrounded by people for 35-50 minutes past my appointment times while she sat in her office giggling and laughing on personal calls to her boyfriend. I sat curled up on the chair crying and shaking, wanting to run to get away from the people looking at me. On the third visit, that's exactly what I did. I never went back. I tried to get a new one but one said she wasn't in my network and I couldn't afford her (besides being booked ahead for 3 months, anyway) and the other 4 never returned my call at all. I have given up on that.

When I try to discuss it with my mother, she changes the subject and pretends I never said anything. So did my "best friend" of 30 years. I finally told her to F-off. She was my last friend. My husband tells me to just knock it off and get over it and quit feeling sorry for myself. There's no one left to talk to.

 

[jadebear]

Hi TSG. I think I used to be you, not so much anymore though. And I didn't realize I don't have all that anger and rage as much as I used to until I read your intro.

Welcome.

 

[TSG]

I'm glad that it's not so bad for you. It sucks to live "here".

 

[Nyx]

It does get better. Hang in there. It would help if you had a support network outside of this forum too.. Have you tried looking for support groups where you live? Or trying to explain to your husband in the calmest manner you are able to that what happened to you is not something you just "get over". That you need time and patience and understanding.

As for the twat that told you nothing can be done for such severe symptoms I only have one thing to say: BULLSHIT! Everyone can recover if they are given the chance and proper tools. Don't listen to that stupid "professional", you are not a lost case. You can recover. I know, because I've been where you are right now. I used to be so angry all the time, it seemed to be spreading over anyone who came in my path. But as I have processed my true feelings, the anger went away.

I wish you strength on you path. Don't give up on yourself!

 

[my3sons]

You now have friends! We are all your new friends and family! My family don't care either, but it's okay, I have found a new family here and so have you! xox

<Removed the quote, no need for it, and all caps>

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[ericaboo]

Sorry for what you've been through - there are good therapists out there - welcome, you're among friends.