Forgiveness...

[Upside Down Eagle]

I haven't been very active here for a while, ocassionaly reading some of the posts... mainly because there's so much going on in my life. I feel like I hit a crossroads, where I'm being given a lot of very important and awesome opportunities, if I'm willing to accept them and work hard for it.

Things are becoming really, really clear. This afternoon a couple of realizations hit me that I would like to share with you.

• I always fall in love with the very warm, loving and forgiving types. Only to discover that myself I've become rather hard, arrogant and unforgiving. I can learn from the men I seek out.
  
  
• I always make a plan for the day (rather unconsciously) and if it's not perfect I get angry. For example, I want to make a really healthy soup after a day of hard work instead of just relaxing and buying a microwave dinner. I should grant myself non-perfection.
  
  
• Theraphy can be tricky for me, because I tend to make it responsible for curing my disorder. "You are a professional and need to help me, because I can't fix it!" that's my common attitude.
  
  
• If I act like a victim and like "I can do nothing about it", then I will never be able to change. I need to realize that it's just a matter of allowing myself to let go of the paranoia (the "everybody is out to get me" and "everybody is laughing at me" rationale).

Letting go, I've learned this past year (through forceful lessons) can be compared to forgiveness. So in the end I need to grant myself permission to let it go. And not cling to it anymore, even though it's scary.

I hope this is useful for some of you, too :-)

:hug:

 

[WillyKat]

Thanks! That is very useful and encouraging. Most of your bullet points makes sense to me. All of these things I have struggled with myself. I used to always plan my day and of course it never worked out, I sort-of unconsciously expected my therapist or wife or friend to fix me instead of making the choice myself.

Just a few days ago I realized (again) that healing from all this is a choice that I have the power to make.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm attempting to work on self forgiveness. It is a tough thing.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

Yeah, that is so crazy hard to grasp and truly own the ability to let yourself do the thing that's so truly different from the locked-in habit. The gap between "I can't do that" and "I can do it... badly because I have no clue how and that's going to hurt and I want it to, so I feel real" is immense. I've found lately that that's just how authenticity is... and it's so hard I still feel I haven't even yet begun to try anything new, after nearly a year since crashing into awareness & mindfulness of my PTSD

 

[arfie]

It is the holding on which hurts, not the letting go.

Good insights, Radise. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[Britt.f7]

It can be so freeing.

 

[Recovery Girl]

Good thread. I was never going to forgive. But I have. Cause it helps me. I don't have to carry the anger around that is caused by the abuser. It was not easy, believe me. But, I still honor the girl who lived through all the abuse. I let the art come out and play. I buy bubbles. I buy silly kid things. And I thank her from the bottom of my heart that she saved us. I am proud that she is part of me. I still feel sad sometimes. I still feel hurt sometimes. But, I have let go. I will never forget or ignore it what happened but it is not the only thing that defines me anymore.