Sexual Assault Forgiveness

[sisterinsurvival]

My counselor is adamant about my forgiving my abusers for my own good. I have no clue as to how to begin to do this.

What is your opinion on forgiveness? How do you begin to forgive?

 

[Nicolette]

IMHO it is about forgiveness of oneself (we somehow blame ourselves) and finding acceptance in what happened even if, for some situations, you may never understand it. Like my ex who split my face open by punching me........... I came to terms with the fact that he was a manipulator, passive/aggressive abuser and a liar. I was hurt as I let him hurt me so I forgave myself for not listening to my gut instincts and holding on for the wrong reasons in my mind. As for him, only he can change him and all I can hope is that he never hurts another woman like he hurt me.

 

[snugglepuss]

Ha! I have struggled with this for years. When people talked about forgiveness, what I was hearing was that I absolve them of guilt. And there was no way I was doing that.

Part of my forgiveness comes from accepting what happened. I heard Oprah say something the other day that clicked with me (I am not a huge fan of hers, but the odd morsel of wisdom sometimes comes out of her shows)). She said that forgiveness comes from stopping wishing that things could be different than how they were.

It made a lot of sense to me. I don't live in the past for the most part, wishing that all that shit had never happened. It did, and it's time to move along to start the healing.

 

[Nyx]

Some say that forgiving is a great act of humanity. But where's the humanity in what the abusers did? Why should we be the bigger persons? I cannot forgive and I cannot forget. There's no forgiving a father that rapes his own child. There's no forgiving a man who rapes a credulous kid. No forgiving. No forgiveness.

As for forgiving myself, that's another question. When I told my T I wouldn't firgive them, she said she wouldn't ask me to do that. She only wants me to get to the point where I forgive myself. And that's what I'm aming for too. But forgiving abominable men for abominable deeds... no. If there was at least one good argument for me to do that, maybe I would consider it. But there isn't.

 

[Lucycat]

I cannot see the point in me wasting energy on trying to forgive. I need all my strength to heal and move on. My abuser can try to forgive himself. That's his job now!

 

[ptsdkate]

I'm with BrucieLucy and Nyx on this one. I'm not wasting any more time on forgiving him. What he did is unforgivable. What I'm doing is focusing on moving on, getting better. He no longer exists, as far as I am concerned. Why should I waste energy on him?

 

[cherryblossom]

I personally see no benefit in forgiving your abuser. But maybe it's a personal decision. I guess if you hold a great deal of negative thoughts towards him, perhaps you need to deal with them. But more to the point that Kate makes, where you feel nothing towards him. But I don't think it has to go so far as forgiveness.

 

[Lucycat]

Sisterinsurvival, have you had further discussions with your therapist on this since you posted? I agree with CB that it is a personal decision for everyone, but am curious as to why your T. should think YOU need to forgive.

Have you found any answers as to HOW to progress with this?

 

[sisterinsurvival]

I cannot see the point in me wasting energy on trying to forgive. I need all my strength to heal and move on. My abuser can try to forgive himself. That's his job now!

Excellent point!

 

[sisterinsurvival]

Sisterinsurvival, have you had further discussions with your therapist on this since you posted? I agree with CB that it is a personal decision for everyone, but am curious as to why your T. should think YOU need to forgive.

Have you found any answers as to HOW to progress with this?

I see a Christian counselor. A lack of forgiveness keeps me bound to my abuser I suppose. I made some major progress with this over the last few days. I will post it in my diary.

 

[OneofHis]

I forgave my abuser, my dad, although he never asked. For me as a christian I felt it was the correct thing to do. But I don't judge anyone who doesn't. Every situation is different. For some it might make things easier and for others it could cause more problems. Although Forgiving yourself is a must. Not blaming yourself is a must! Its weird how easy I forgave my abuser yet I have such a hard time forgiving others for such insignificant things that weren't even done to me. Thats something about myself I don't even understand.

 

[suzie q]

For so many, many years, forgiving my perpetrators was a "no way" decision. I also felt like I would be absolving their treatment should I do so. Even with years of therapy (CBT) I found myself full of hate for the ones that damaged me with their abuse.

I had friends that told me that forgiveness was a necessity for complete healing on my behalf. I just figured that I wouldn't ever have complete healing then! I was very stubborn about this issue. To forgive was to say I did something wrong, and I had processed in therapy that I had not done something wrong!!

This attitude, for me, kept me dissociative and depressed. I reached out to others for help and found that my attitude needed changing (just for me). When I truly let go and forgave some of my perpetrators, I began to feel again. The feelings were good and allowed me to move on to other issues I needed to work through. I wouldn't have believed it had I not experienced it. I haven't completely forgiven all of my abusers, but as I begin that process, the rewards for me are incredible. I found that to hold on to my hate was to destroy all possibilities of having joy in my life.