Sexual Assault Forgiveness

[Hlost]

This is an interesting question and one I got totally bombarded with! I was pushed into a corner about it. Most said I MUST forgive or I would never heal.

It's so different reading on here the answers now, just how different the stances are. It seems things have changed so much.

I'm of the mind, and always have been that it's an idividual issue. Some people find that forgiving the abuser is easiest but I will say this... be careful that it is not a bandaide to a rush in hurrying up the process of healing.IMHO.

I had read the suggestion early on, and very much to my relief, that I did NOT have to forgive my abuser in order to start the healing process.

I hope you can figure out what works best for you, you are the one that need to heal.

Sending wisdom and peace,
Rain

 

[Blutarg]

I have asked the same question for many years. Christians give me the view that you HAVE to forgive in order to be forgiven for your own sins - understandable.

But surely forgiveness is a two-way street? And surely an abuser has to accept some sort of accountability for his/her crimes? What if they don't or haven't? Where does that leave those that have to do the forgiving?

 

[WonderingWhy]

:thinking: I think one also has to ask themselves; what does "forgiving" mean?
I know for sure it does NOT mean forget or condone. Is acceptance necessary for forgiveness?
I am not sure I truly know the true meaning of forgiveness?:no: I am sure for me I first have to decipher that.

 

[cherryblossom]

I can understand why 'forgiveness' could be important to a Christian. And I can understand why a Christian counsellor would suggest forgiveness as necessary.

But I really don't think that you 'have' to forgive your perp in order to heal. Maybe it does depend on your belief system.

As an atheist I have no need to forgive him, I don't think he deserves forgiveness for what he did to me. What he did to me was pure evil. I hope he is either dead, or living a life of misery and pain. But equally, I don't dwell on that, or give him much thought, or want to get revenge on him. As far as I'm concerned he's not worth my time or thoughts. What is important is to get better for me, my family and my future.

 

[cherryblossom]

Is acceptance necessary for forgiveness?

If you are going to forgive an act then you must accept that the act happened?

I'd rather look at that the other way round. Is forgiveness necessary for acceptance?
This is obviously just my own personal beliefs. For me acceptance is a massive part of healing, but forgiveness isn't.

I cannot change the past. I have lived for years wishing that I wasn't raped. If only this...... , if only that........ Where has that got me? No-where! I was raped and I have to learn to live with that. Denial doesn't work!

If you google the definition of forgiveness you get lots of definitions - here is one.

the act of excusing a mistake or offence.

I'm pretty sure that he didn't rape me by mistake. And as far as I'm concerned the offence of rape is not forgiveable. If someone had robbed me for money for drugs, I could forgive their act and blame the drugs, and the addiction. But for me, the 'blame' has to stop somewhere and with rape and sexual abuse, the blame lies with the perpetrator, there are no excuses in my opinion.

 

[KAT]

My counselor says I need to forgive too. I just think she means to let go of all the hate and anger I carry inside of me towards my dad and the people who didn't help me. Also the anger I feel towards myself for not being a super person who should be just fine after every thing he did to me ( I'm working on this one now). Maybe one day I will be able to do that but i'm not really yet, not right now. I don't know I think one day I would like to feel peaceful inside of myself. Do you think this is what forgiveness is? To let go of the hate and finding peace?

 

[cherryblossom]

I think to learn to forgive yourself, is a powerful part of healing. But as I've said before, I don't feel it's necessary to forgive the perpetrator. Clearly if the anger /hate towards your abuser is causing you big problems, then you need to work on this somehow - for your own well-being. But I don't think it has to go so far as forgiveness.

 

[KAT]

The anger I have towards my dad is not a problem right now.

 

[cherryblossom]

Then my best suggestion from me, is to concentrate on yourself, and your needs. Anger and hate aren't 'bad' emotions - just so long as you are in control of them, rather than the emotions being in control of you.

 

[Blutarg]

I don't feel anger at my dad, just at the consequences of his actions sometimes.

 

[Nyx]

Wow, Blutarg. I think it's a good place to be at. Did you always feel this way or did it come in time?

I am so angry at him all the time. I can say he's the only person in this world I hate. And I'm not a hateful person.. But tormenting me during childhood and culminating with rape is not what a normal person does. And I so HATE him for that!

 

[Blutarg]

I didn't say I don't hate him. I am just not angry with him anymore. I don't normally hate people - but I hated my dad more than anything I could ever explain. But I do feel angry and angish at times when I experience things as a result of what he did to me. That, to me, is different and still hard to deal with.

I try very hard not to be angry with him (even though he is dead - he still feels real sometimes). I also believe that what's done is done, it can't be changed - but I have the ability to change my future. It isn't always clear HOW I can do so, but somehow I know I can.

If I harbour that anger I will only hurt myself more. No one gains anything from that.

Those are just my thoughts on it Nyx ;)