Relationship Forgiveness

[Crazyme]

Over the last several years, before he received a cPTSD diagnosis, I was subject to outrageous verbal and emotional abuse by my SO. I'm now on 3 different medications for my own stress in living like this and am starting to process this history with a clear head. It seems like now that he sees the damage he has caused, he is behaving extremely well (which tells me that he can and could have controlled his behavior). He is on zoloft and not really receiving much in the way of therapy, nor does he really see a need for therapy.

So my question now is how can I get past the past? Does anyone have any suggestions for forgiving and moving on? To me it feels like we are starting from less than nothing at this point.

One other thing: I don't think I can ever handle, or will ever tolerate, him or another man treating me so poorly again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, it's good not to call abuse ok, but we all have only the present, the past cannot be changed.

I can only say, if the past had been good, but the present abusive, would too only the present take precedence?

Perhaps the hurt is too great.. or perhaps the love is greater. Can you identify what would help overcome this, including time, boundaries, understanding, ammends, more commitment to therapy, etc? (Just ideas.)

Best wishes to you. I've been on the receiving end, it's horrible and soul-destroying. Hugs to you.

 

[AlbusLupa]

I think it will be hard, but do-able. I'd imagine that when you look at him you see both him as he is now, and him as he was when he was abusing you, and it's hard to separate those two men from each other.

You say he's behaving well now, that he's been diagnosed and is on medication - in my view that's creating a new version of him. A version of him who won't hurt you, who, although he looks and sounds the same, isn't the same as the man who did that to you.

It can be incredibly hard to let go of the past, perhaps some form of therapy for yourself might help - talk things through in a safe space? Or take some time for you, a short break away from him, time to yourself to take care of you?

 

[TheMinsterman]

It really depends on yourself.

Only you truly know if you can forgive the things that have transpired between you two, I know with me and my SO/ExSO (who really knows!) there's things I can look past and move past fairly easily, but there are some sticking points that will require conversation to establish whether I can or I can't.

Only you know this deep down, I can for example forgive the distance, the silence etc as she's explained it is because our conversations kept being negative, had friction so she just shut down and withdrew to avoid it. I can forgive that if we start talking again. I can even forgive some of the things we both said in the heat of frustration.

But then for me, there's the fact she turned to somebody else, somebody else who has feelings for her. Regardless of what they have or haven't done, she should be grown up enough to realise how hurtful that would be when she was actively avoiding me at the same time. That is not something I can so easily just forget and forgive without actual deep conversation.

I use my own situation merely as an example, you have to think that can you forgive, in time, and what can't you forgive?

 

[Snowflakes]

@Crazyme , I've struggled with this notion of forgiveness for a long time.

The part where he can, or could have, controlled his behavior didn't seem to work for me. My sufferer knows what she did to me and tries not to do it again but I wait for the other shoe to drop....and it invariably does. She is repentant, rinse, and repeat. I also take meds to get me to the next day.

Someone asked in another thread how to tell if he has ptsd or if he is simply an a$$hole. That question actually made me think. If she were an a$$hole, I would simply leave because, like you, I will never accept this type of abuse again. So why am I still with her? Because we were able to talk and understand that she isn't talking to me when she is abusive, it is those people from her past who abused her reaching out from the grave and/or her past and touching me. We refer to them as her demons.

I cannot, nor will I, forgive those in her past who abused her but I can forgive the messenger. Will the abuse and trust issues affect me tomorrow? Probably....but someone else here in this forum wrote that the sufferer who needs space can call a timeout but also needs to be the one who calls the end to the timeout. I don't know how long my sufferer needs to get rid of the demon but when she does and comes back to me, then I hate the behavior but continue to love my sufferer. Loving means we both have the capacity to forgive each other for words that should not have been spoken......by both of us.

Maybe you are starting from less than nothing, I get that feeling frequently. But there was a point when you first met your SO you were starting from nothing from the perspective of being a couple. My sufferer often says she wishes things were the way it was when we first got together. That will never happen because the past is just that....the past. But I think forgiveness is taking all the battle scars that has been borne by both of you, of both of us, (because both our sufferers see the damage they caused) and create a new future together. Yes, the battles will continue but maybe with good coping skills both my sufferer and I will battle the demons together rather battle each other.

Will this work? I really don't know but I care for her to much not to try. I think forgiveness in my heart which means not holding a grudge or looking for justice from her will allow me to keep trying.

I hope I was able to help you. I wish you and your SO happiness.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Snowflakes did you know your SO had ptsd, or even more so did it begin later?

 

[Snowflakes]

@Junebug I knew of her past. I knew of the physical and verbal abuses and the betrayals of her past including her childhood. We were friends for a long time before getting married. As a combat veteran (Vietnam), I'm aware of PTSD and what it does to others. I'm also aware that it affects people differently and that it may not always end up being abusive. She had symptoms but they were never directed at me.

After we got married, something changed. It was subtle at first but grew exponentially worse. I think what saved me was attending a NAMI Family to Family Program where I figured out what I wrote in the post above.....that her demons of her past were reaching out and touching me from the past. The problem was getting her to see that.

Her episodes were directed towards me, not others just as it was not directed towards me when we were friends before marriage. The rest of the world thinks she is the sweetest lady on earth (she is) and thinks I'm an a$$hole when I withdraw into my box to save my sanity. I have read here posts by sufferers who talk about the fear of losing their SO yet the illness compels them to push the very person who loves them away.

To survive, I got angry and defended my position. Then I became very resentful and that wasn't working for me till I read a thread in this forum from another sufferer wondering why she needed to be the one to "make it right" while her sufferer got a free pass because of the disease.

@Junebug the short answer to your question is no, I didn't realize it at the time and yes, from my perspective it began later. I know now she had it all along, I just didn't know that moving from friends to SO would bring out all that has happened. If I knew then what I know now, I think I would have just remain friends. It hurts me to say that but, quite honestly, I have no idea why I have put up with this for as many years as I have. Maybe it's just both of our personalities. Maybe it's because neither one of us made the conscious decision to walk out on the other. Maybe neither of us has given up hope. Lord knows I've thought about giving up but as long as she understood what she did to me, I wasn't ready to walk out the door.

This is why I replied to @Crazyme. She states he knows what he did to her as mine knows what she has done to me. Does that means she will never do it again? No. CPTSD is insidious but perhaps if we can forgive each other today, we can get to tomorrow. A lot of tomorrows make a lifetime. All I can do is hope and pray.

 

[Sighs]

@Snowflakes - how do you control the anger and resentment?

There is only so long I can listen to him abusing the hell out of me before I snarl back at him.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you very much @Snowflakes for your reply & honesty, painful as it feels.

I may have misread you & if so I very much apologize, but you sound tired of all of it. And yes you deserve a good life, free from such pain. But you sound very loving and committed. I'm guessing if you did not have the experience of your service you may not have had the strength.

I have been on the receiving end with a relative (I do not know if she has ptsd or not/ possibly ptsd), but do not hate her nor need to muster 'forgiveness'. Though I do not believe I am abusive, as a sufferer I actually have grown very accustomed to assuming all or most negative interactions or shortcomings in relation to others is due to me/ my fault. I understand the OP's pain, but if their SO is repentant, with ammends, I'm not sure what else they could offer.

However, that being said, as a sufferer assuming self-blame always left me as the target often for mistreatment, large or small, that others would not accept, ranging, but not limited to, lack of respect through to lying and abuse in all forms. I always feel it my fault, though I myself know others would not accept such. Yet when I think it may not be all my fault, trust and any sense of safety disappear. As sometimes they should, if it not all my fault, nor things others wouldn't tolerate.

I realize your SO needs to own her reactions, as we all do. The hardest part is recognizing what are demons- I too have heard them described as such, and what is healthy self-protection/ getting away (but should never involve abusing another). Since if nothing else, I can't stand more lies &/or grief, or being in the way. I believe not because of simply a lack of distress tolerance, but more the fact that so much distress I have tried to manage, for so long- extreme events cause extreme emotional upheaval, the thought of more is impossible to risk.

I hope this makes sense. Thank you for responding. I send my prayers for you both. :notworthy:

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA, though again- on the other hand- as difficult as it is to trust over and over again as a sufferer- also aptly put waiting for the other shoe to drop, so is it equally hard to keep offering forgiveness as a supporter, especially if the mistrust is inaccurate. :(

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sighs For a very long time, I did not control the anger. I fought back by defending myself. I kept trying to explain her accusations were not true. I quit my job because of her accusations. I lost my friends because I crawled into my box just to survive. I said things that I regret because I was angry. Eventually the anger gave way to resentment. Why was I being treated so badly when all I have ever done was try to give her a good life, never cheated, never lied, and never controlled or abused her?

I think the day she did what @Crazyme SO did in recognizing he hurt her; that is, the day my sufferer recognized she hurt me and knew she would do it again was the day I "let go." I didn't let go in the sense that I wanted to walk out the door, I "let go" by making a conscious decision to not take anything personally. Oh, this wasn't easy and still isn't easy.

In the process of coping I was actually doing to her what she was doing to me by isolating. It wasn't right and not my personality but it got me to the next day. When anger and resentment builds to a certain point, we do what we have to do to get to the next day without going crazy. I am fortunate that when we essentially were emotionally going our separate ways she remembered what her therapist told both of us: "if you think it long enough, it will become true." Her abuse was pushing me away and when I decided to "let go" it was becoming true.

So, to answer your question, I control the anger and resentment by letting go. The danger of course is that one of us may walk out the front door. It works for me. It may, or may not work for you.

I hope this helps you. I wish you and your sufferer find peace.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Junebug Thank you for your insight. The OP's thread caught me because she is struggling as I am. I can share my experiences and hope they help. When she asked for suggestions for forgiveness and moving on, her cry echoes mine. You did not misread me, I am tired of it all.

I appreciate your insight on the difficulty in telling the difference between the demons and healthy protection. Fortunately I am aware of the person in her past who exploited this very thing. It's not my personality to be controlling but it is a fine line from her perspective.

I don't have any answers. I like this place because I can learn much from others and I hope I can contribute by sharing my experiences.

Take care and thank you.