Sufferer Former Humanitarian Aid Worker

[bluelicorice]

Hi. I'm 25 years old and live in Canada. I was diagnosed with PTSD last September, as the result of being a humanitarian aid worker in Haiti and the Central African Republic. I worked in those countries for 4 years after graduating from university.

Not sure which piece of my experiences caused the PTSD or if its everything together, but I have experienced a lot. I've been in more than one natural disaster (hurricanes, earthquakes), I have seen many people die, including one of my co-workers who was murdered in front of us. I've been in the midst of war and had my life threatened many times. And just before I returned to Canada, I was raped at gunpoint.

I have pretty much daily memories and flashbacks of what happened to me, and I have trouble sleeping at night due to bad dreams of the various traumas. The dreams are accompanied by night sweats and vomiting, and I feel constantly on edge. Constantly looking around corners, checking windows and doors, locks, etc, almost like I have OCD. I used to be a very outgoing person, but now I have trouble relating to anyone and hide in my apartment a lot of the time. When I do go out everything seems so overwhelming. I get angry really quickly, and I can't stand having people come up behind me. Actually a lot of times I stay home because I worry I might physically attack someone who comes too close to me.

I'm on government disability here in Canada,as I'm currently not able to hold down a job and until getting help, I was homeless for a few months in Vancouver. I thought the disability would last for a while, but last week I received a myriad of forms in the mail that a doctor needs to fill out, to review my disability status. I'm seriously freaking out about these forms. I'm so worried about losing my benefits and becoming homeless again. I've been seeing a clinical psychologist who specializes in PTSD twice a month since October, and I also see her colleague, a psychiatrist, every 3 months. I'm told my PTSD is very severe and that I should be on disability, at least for now. My psychologist just went through the DSM-5 criteria with me, and together we answered yes to pretty much every symptom listed. She and the psychiatrist are helping me with the forms. So I should be feeling okay, right? But I'm not. I'm still terrified about losing everything. I do have a couple of good friends but I have no family and nothing to fall back on if I lose the benefits. I just wish I could stop thinking about it. Its been a week now, and in between memories, it seems like all I ever think about is the forms. I can't sleep or eat and I am crying all the time thinking about it. Yet at the same time I feel strangely detached as I'm writing all this.

Anyhow, I didn't expect to write as much as I did. I'm hoping this forum will be a good place for me. I spend a lot of time at home alone and it would be good at least read about the experiences of others. I'm not sure how much I will contribute but I will try. Thanks to everyone who's read this.

 

[Shan-Nav01]

Hey Bluelicorice

Welcome to the forum! There's so many people on here it's great for support, as well as just a chat about nothing related to PTSD which can be equally helpful!

 

[Echo]

Hi, @bluelicorice - welcome to the forum. I haven't been here for many months, but I have found so many kind and helpful people here, and there is a great deal of useful information in the articles, too. The main benefit is that people understand. We may all have different reasons for having our PTSD or CPTSD, but the results are very similar (in my case child abuse and rape), and we all take in turns to help one another. Sometimes I don't feel like saying very much about what's going on for me, but in reaching out to someone else I find that helps. But whatever works for you; there are no expectations.

I am really disappointed to hear that the charity you worked for has not offered you any therapy - as aid workers you are prepared to put yourselves on the line for other people in a way many of us would not be able to do. I know some charities are too small to offer staff this facility, though I know from friends, that some do provide this.

More than anything, I would urge you to try and get yourself to a trauma therapist, someone who specialises in this field. There are various therapeutic routes, of course. My psychotherapist specialises in sensorimotor therapy and EMDR (eventually), which is a gentle, body-focused therapy, rather than a talk therapy, and it works very well for rape survivors. Somatic experiencing is similar. One of the rape charities may be able to help you both with therapy and with benefits applications, if you don't feel you are getting enough support. I am from the UK so don't know the system in Canada, but if you don't deserve full benefits, I don't know who does.

Keep in touch and let us know how things go. Someone on here may be able to advise you better. Meanwhile, if it is ok, may I offer you some safe cyberhugs? Echo

 

[Overcast]

I do not live in Canada but have been on short term disability and they require paperwork to be updated and the need still exists. Your doctor and therapist are helping. Focus on some grounding techniques in the mean time.

 

[bluelicorice]

Thank you all for the responses, I really appreciate the welcome.

@Shan-Nav01, I didn't realize there was the opportunity here to just chat about whatever. That's good to know, maybe I can get my mind off of things once in a while.

@Echo, you aren't the first person to mention about the organization I worked for not helping us; but yes, that's definitely true. They haven't done anything for any of us that I'm aware of. I'm not sure if anything can be said in their defense. How I feel about them is a whole other story! I get so upset that I don't even like to think about it.

The clinical psychologist I'm currently seeing knows how to do EMDR though its not her specialty. I may be trying it with her soon. Its good to know you found it helpful; I'm feeling a bit apprehensive about it. And thank you for suggesting a rape charity; I hadn't even thought of something like that, I will need to do some research. So far (as far as I know) I only qualify for government disability, and not Canada Pension Plan, because I haven't worked long enough in Canada. The work I did overseas apparently doesn't count. But I'll definitely check into those things. Thank you for the welcome, and I will try to keep in touch.

@Overcast, Yes I guess you are right. It just seems so soon for a re-assessment. I've been on disability only a few months. I actually ended up going to the clinic today to speak to the nurse practitioner. She was surprised by the re-assessment and is wondering if its a clerical error. She said I should be good at least until September. But in any event, it seems I have several healthcare professionals on my side, so I will take your advice and try to relax for now.