Glen Myers
New Here
I am an 19 year old male and I have been diagnosed with Complex Ptsd. I have self-diagnosed myself with an inferiority (Napoleon) complex because I have all the classic symptoms: I’m short (5’2”), I have a short temper, I have really bad control issues (especially if the person telling me what to do is taller), I feel insecure about my height, and the fact that I can’t fight is a thought that festers in my mind all day.
I was taking prozac and going to therapy for a while but I quit the prozac on my own because it wasn’t doing diddly squat. My therapist moved to another mental health facility and I found it too much of a hassle to get comfortable with another therapist because therapy didn’t help as much as I thought it would. This memoir is rather long but I am writing this for me as much as i am to get other people’s opinions and advice.
As long as I can remember I've never been a fighter, I've always opted out of fist fights no matter what the other person did to me, and what the other person did to me on several occasions was beyond inhumane. At the time, all I cared about was getting out of there without any bruises or having to have any physical contact with anyone. At any sign of an altercation I become tense and scared instead of pissed off and ready to fight. But even before being abused, I wasn't a fighter like other kids were, and I never understood why.
When it came to 4th and 5th grade I always wanted to hang out with the popular kids, more than others. I always followed them around being their lackey and letting them walk all over me but I didn't care as long as I was with that particular crowd and because of that I performed below average in school. When it came to middle school in the 6th grade the image of an antagonist such as a thug appealed to me because I couldn't fit in with the popular kids and I was insecure. I tried dressing, talking and acting like I was part of all of that because it was a new school so I thought I could reinvent myself. But people called me out on it, people who were actually from bad neighborhoods and they always wanted to fight me.
Throughout the years I hung out with the wrong crowds and completely gave up on school. I got arrested a bunch of times while hanging out with these people and at first I didn't think much of it. I thought oh what the hell kids always get in trouble but I'll turn out fine. Eventually i had to be an informant when the vice principal of the high school I went to found texts on my phone of me conspiring to buy marijuana. I was already on probation and the vice principal threatened to call my probation officer if I didn't give the persons last name. I was really scared of him, he knew basically all the thuggish mexican people in that neighborhood and even some of my friends, after snitching on him the whole school pretty much exiled me. They just looked at me as if I was a dead man walking.
One of his cousins had a conversation with me, not really being intimidating just making small talk and he comes out with "...so did you snitch on X?" (we'll call him X) I said of course not and that the V.P (vice principle) found a text on my phone and proceeded to bust him right there and then. After that I had to take the bus RIGHT after school and I had to strategically walking through my classes so I wouldn't run into any enemies, just like I did my whole life, avoiding fights because I'm to weak... I started going on independent study which basically means I got to do my homework from home.
After I graduated I went to college and then I started getting flash backs of before, of how I was always teased and pushed around from the beginning because I didn't want to go around fighting like a useless ghetto thug, even when I hung out with skaters they always hit me and laughed because I couldn't do anything back. I feel so emasculated and ashamed that I couldn't fight. I have such violent episodes because I wish I could inflict pain on those people for what they did to me but it's so long from that time and it would be ridiculous to do anything about it now. I see a lot of the people that used to mess with me now a days and some of them grew up and some are still the same.
These flash backs have been occurring for about a year and a half now and it's deteriorating my family and quality of life. There is so much details but those I will share in future post this is just to introduce myself, pardon me if this is so long but it's been in my google docs account forever. I started working on this a couple months ago when i was 18 and never got around to finishing it so here it is.
I can honestly say I'm really excited to have found this website because up until now I have been seeking for advice.on sites like yahoo answers and I get a lot of people just saying "that's what you get for not being able to fight" but obviously these people have no clue what it is like to suffer from a mental condition.
I was taking prozac and going to therapy for a while but I quit the prozac on my own because it wasn’t doing diddly squat. My therapist moved to another mental health facility and I found it too much of a hassle to get comfortable with another therapist because therapy didn’t help as much as I thought it would. This memoir is rather long but I am writing this for me as much as i am to get other people’s opinions and advice.
As long as I can remember I've never been a fighter, I've always opted out of fist fights no matter what the other person did to me, and what the other person did to me on several occasions was beyond inhumane. At the time, all I cared about was getting out of there without any bruises or having to have any physical contact with anyone. At any sign of an altercation I become tense and scared instead of pissed off and ready to fight. But even before being abused, I wasn't a fighter like other kids were, and I never understood why.
When it came to 4th and 5th grade I always wanted to hang out with the popular kids, more than others. I always followed them around being their lackey and letting them walk all over me but I didn't care as long as I was with that particular crowd and because of that I performed below average in school. When it came to middle school in the 6th grade the image of an antagonist such as a thug appealed to me because I couldn't fit in with the popular kids and I was insecure. I tried dressing, talking and acting like I was part of all of that because it was a new school so I thought I could reinvent myself. But people called me out on it, people who were actually from bad neighborhoods and they always wanted to fight me.
Throughout the years I hung out with the wrong crowds and completely gave up on school. I got arrested a bunch of times while hanging out with these people and at first I didn't think much of it. I thought oh what the hell kids always get in trouble but I'll turn out fine. Eventually i had to be an informant when the vice principal of the high school I went to found texts on my phone of me conspiring to buy marijuana. I was already on probation and the vice principal threatened to call my probation officer if I didn't give the persons last name. I was really scared of him, he knew basically all the thuggish mexican people in that neighborhood and even some of my friends, after snitching on him the whole school pretty much exiled me. They just looked at me as if I was a dead man walking.
One of his cousins had a conversation with me, not really being intimidating just making small talk and he comes out with "...so did you snitch on X?" (we'll call him X) I said of course not and that the V.P (vice principle) found a text on my phone and proceeded to bust him right there and then. After that I had to take the bus RIGHT after school and I had to strategically walking through my classes so I wouldn't run into any enemies, just like I did my whole life, avoiding fights because I'm to weak... I started going on independent study which basically means I got to do my homework from home.
After I graduated I went to college and then I started getting flash backs of before, of how I was always teased and pushed around from the beginning because I didn't want to go around fighting like a useless ghetto thug, even when I hung out with skaters they always hit me and laughed because I couldn't do anything back. I feel so emasculated and ashamed that I couldn't fight. I have such violent episodes because I wish I could inflict pain on those people for what they did to me but it's so long from that time and it would be ridiculous to do anything about it now. I see a lot of the people that used to mess with me now a days and some of them grew up and some are still the same.
These flash backs have been occurring for about a year and a half now and it's deteriorating my family and quality of life. There is so much details but those I will share in future post this is just to introduce myself, pardon me if this is so long but it's been in my google docs account forever. I started working on this a couple months ago when i was 18 and never got around to finishing it so here it is.
I can honestly say I'm really excited to have found this website because up until now I have been seeking for advice.on sites like yahoo answers and I get a lot of people just saying "that's what you get for not being able to fight" but obviously these people have no clue what it is like to suffer from a mental condition.
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