DID Fragmented personality disorder?

[Fragmented Butterfly]

I have five different personality fragments. They are all portions of my entire personality as a whole, but due to the trauma I experienced during my childhood they have split apart and my original personality is like a blank slate if that makes any sense? It's like my complete personality is an unsolved puzzle. All of the puzzle pieces are on the table and I am aware of all of them, but because the pieced aren't put together I have no idea of who I am as a complete person (or in this case, a complete puzzle).

Sometimes a fragment will take over (without me blacking out) depending on who I'm with, or depending on if I'm stressed or not. And sometimes a fragment will just take over because it feels that it needs one of its needs met.

For example, sometimes when I am doing any activity I'll start to kind of dissociate and not be able to focus or think at all. Then I'll start to revert back to the behavior of a small child (this is what I mean by the fragment taking over). While I am acting like the child, I am fully aware of her actions and I make sure that she doesn't do anything that might hurt my physical body (such as cooking, since I may burn or cut myself by accident). Anyways, the fragment usually won't go away until I acknowledge it and meet its need (for example, giving it attention or letting it play).

In another example, if I'm with one of my previous abusers I'll revert back to behaviors that years ago would keep me from getting in trouble (such as being robotic or submissive) and I'll block out/deny any thoughts, memories, or emotions that would possibly get me in trouble or cause me anxiety. Then, once I am no longer around my abuser, I will change back to "normal" behavior (like being outgoing) and my thoughts can come back. During these times I do not exactly dissociate, unless the blockage/denial of thoughts, memories, and emotions count.

I would go to a doctor about this for an official diagnosis, but I'm too afraid to see one since if I am diagnosed as my family. :(

 

[Fragmented Butterfly]

* I would go to a doctor about this for an official diagnosis, but I'm too afraid to see one since if I am diagnosed as my family would look down upon me and most likely call me crazy. :(

 

[Lotusstarr]

Hey, I understand how you feel. I have these fragments as well, and it's exactly as you described it, they 'take over', but I'm still kind of there as well, just from far away I guess. I haven't seen a doctor yet about it, but I am making an appointment. As far as your family knowing, I don't see why they would have to know? It's your personal choice what you choose to tell your family about your own mental health.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm confused..... Is this an actual diagnosis or are you referring to dissociative identity disorder? (DID). If you've got personality fragmentation, you're further along the dissociative spectrum than just PTSD and I suggest you find professional help. Put your own well being above the opinions of others.

 

[Fragmented Butterfly]

Is this an actual diagnosis

This isn't an actual diagnosis, at least not that I know of. I'm just trying to figure out what on earth it is that I have and see if perhaps anyone else is experiencing this too. I don't think I have DID exactly because my personality fragmentation is not as severe as would be required for the official diagnosis. However my personality fragmentation is bad enough to not be normal. I was just wondering if there was some diagnosis that would fit this strain of dissociation. In the end, I'll probably end up seeing a professional for a diagnosis, but I'd still like to see if maybe there is a name for what I might have so that I could find more resources or find out where to go from here.

 

[Pencil]

I'll probably end up seeing a professional for a diagnosis, but I'd still like to see if maybe there is a name for what I might have so that I could find more resources or find out where to go from here.

The first stop should be a visit to a professional.

 

[Zef]

Your symptoms sound a bit like mine as far as how the fragments operate. Along with PTSD, I was diagnosed with DDNOS, which is kind of a catch all term meaning not quite DID (multiple personality), but also not really described by an other Dissociative Disorder. That is NOT saying that you have it, (only the professionals should be giving diagnoses) but it does seem possible from your description.

This isn't advice, but just my experience. Generally, going to a professional has ended up being an overall positive for the person and the person's family. Not always, but usually. Even where it is uncomfortable for everyone to go through it, what happens sometimes is that some of the unsaid things that have been poisoning a family finally get said and maybe even dealt with a little. Sometimes not. . .there really are no guarantees.

Hope this helps and wishing you the best

 

[Lucycat]

I'm confused..... Is this an actual diagnosis or are you referring to dissociative identity disorder? (DID). If you've got personality fragmentation, you're further along the dissociative spectrum than just PTSD and I suggest you find professional help.

This kind of describes me. I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD - which includes Structural Dissociation of the Personality. I agree professional help is the key.

 

[TheRedPill]

This isn't an actual diagnosis, at least not that I know of. I'm just trying to figure out...

I just in the past couple years went from ptsd with life time learning memory and add issue. I had to get a Quality neuropsychologist (a physiologist who specializes in understanding the relationship between the physical brain and behavior. The brain is extremely complex, and disorders within the brain or nervous system can alter behavior and cognitive function) turns out i had fluid on my brain my whole life and they found it with an EEG test. a needle in my spine and a drain would have avoided all the medical abuse of the past 15 yrs, i could have avoided going on disability & the most painful decade of my life. Now i very well have a brain infection I know there's a hole going into my brain behind my eye. Think the book brain on fire. I'm now just as you've written and its lonely. i feel like the only thing i have left on most days is the problem (or my being has become only the issue) them i have a good day and want to do all kinds of things i use to be able to do on any day. most of the time fear wins i start to do something (what ever task or event) it triggers floating memories that go in no timeline that make sense to me or that i gan up dates too. sadly i had put the piece back together once with now useful help from doctors up till now. Last time it took years feeling safe is most important, then i had to put all the parts together again. the child the teen the young adult and the fogged out. when it happened it was truly a miracle, i had the artist, the environmentalist, nature loving, creative, able to all the time person with self confidence. it was fixed ti was concistant it was the whole me. then i tried to get help for my add so i could finally grow up. Not knowing about fluid on my brain or the infection that released the pressure I went to get help. The doctor blamed me and did help me get my ssdi straightened out (it should have been on but i lost it when i tried to work) this is the start of the worst mental abuse of my life that lead to a total memory loss & exactly what you've described as how your doing.. Please seek out a quality neurophysiologist who has a full treatment team in house so it does work together and you can get the real help and no more blind darts, guessing games, and useless pill mill hospital visits. ps they don't do EEG's or MRI's on "Psych" patents because they'd go bankrupt. It would give an 85% first time correct diagnoses and prevent people like myself from ever going through this nightmare of a life. Thank you untill now i felt totally alone.

 

[TheRedPill]

I have five different personality fragments. They are all portions of my entire personality...

I get the child part but i'm still me just my response is that of the child i still can control myself. Its not like cruise control but i did have that happen once or twice as in the way to describe. the worst for me has been showering i was losing large amounts of time and often running the shower till it was 40 degree water hitting me to snap me out at all.

 

[Chava]

I see this is an old post...and hope OP found some help or guidance. As I read the original description, I could relate. I'm NOT saying it isn't possibly DID, but I relate without having DID. I have CPTSD. I split, I feel broken to pieces with nothing internal holding me together quite often, and I have childlike states under stress. But I have full awareness, even if some dissociative symptoms (zoning out, feeling floaty or unreal....I do not have amnesia for any of it). Diagnosis is scary I suppose, but the real issue begins with do you want help or do you want to feel like you have more control or stability in your own life?

Diagnosis helps inform the treatment/therapy plan. CPTSD is not an official diagnosis within the DSM but many trauma-specialized therapists do use it as a "diagnosis" because they understand the validity of that framework...the loss of self, the body memories and regressive stuff, the splitting without amnesia (a lot of this can also cross-over with BPD, by the way).

Anyone relating to any of this should seek out a trauma-informed or trauma-specialized therapist. If no trauma that you know of (or remember), seek help and diagnosis anyway. But if you don't want to change, I understand that too and have had years of drowning in my own suffering and self-destruction, because it felt normal and predictable, even if unhealthy.

 

[shimmerz]

and my original personality is like a blank slate if that makes any sense?

This is totally how I felt when I got back last December from CA. I kept saying that my brain was like a blank slate. I would be interested if anyone has further comments on this.