Free falling again

[EveHarrington]

I feel the free fall happening again.

Last time it was triggered by losing support.

Same this time. Times THREE. Ish. One is just inaccessible for most of the day. So yeah, not totally gone, but it still feels the same.

Three in a f*cking week?

When it rains it pours.

And yes, last time i lost support I tried to kill myself. I don't have the patience to be sitting in the ER all night long so I hope my medication is enough to do the trick and calm my system down. If it isn't, I'll ask someone to take me in to the ER.

I've been having flashbacks all day long. It hasn't been like this in many months.

Now I'm playing a waiting game for the drowsiness to kick in. It will be another few hours, but at least I'll sleep through tomorrow I hope. (No I didn't take too much, just sensitive.)

I am shaking so bad. I only shake when it's bad.

I sit here and question why I bothered to get help, why I bothered to get support.....when it all just goes away again? Maybe my system is right. Maybe I need to be 1000% independent and not count on support from anyone.

I am so weak.

 

[LuckiLee]

@EveHarrington . What happened?

You are the complete opposite of weak!

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you @leehalf

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm going to vent here.

I guess the writing is on the wall.

I can't get support anywhere.

Not even here.

So many other people here get dozens of replies when they are in a bad spot.

I sit here and say I'm in a free fall like the last time I tried to kill myself and 99% of the forum ignores me.

I'm done supporting other people.

There is no point in asking for support here or anywhere else as I won't get any.

I have been reaching out and get nothing in return, no matter who I reach out to.

I really hope I get shot or run over by a bus sometime soon.

This life sucks.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm sorry you feel ignored. I agree this life surely sucks more often than not, it seems.

I sometimes simply don't know what to say and choose to stay quiet so I don't say the wrong thing to make someone feel even worse....or I'm in a rough spot in the moment myself and don't have any energies to pull from to share.

Hoping the support you need the most shows itself soon. Heart hugs heading your way, if you're accepting.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I'm so sorry Eve that you're feeling this way! I really care about you and I understand feeling like you have no support! Other than my T I leave a secret life- no one knows the pain i'm in so, I do understand what that's like. I feel for you! I just keep reminding myself that this pain will pass- easier said than done I know! I care about you so much, you have been such a support to me on here!

 

[EveHarrington]

@Tornadic Thoughts @WishfulThinking123

Thank you for your support.

I am sorry for throwing a fit. I was having a bad few days. I had another meeting with my community outreach person and she was able to work through a number of issues with me. I see my therapist on Tuesday and will work through my struggles with asking for help. It's the major issue presenting right now and it's been quite a struggle for me. Letting people in so that they can help me? TERRIFYING! My guy says I'm odd in that I desperately want help but am fiercely independent to a fault. So NOT codependent! (I'm not looking for a rescuer or someone to save me.) I hate asking for help. It makes me feel selfish and weak.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I throw fits, too. I hear you. I avoided asking for help for years thinking I'd be viewed as weak....and I even worked in the mental health field. Unfortunately, some of the professionals I worked alongside helped to foster those feelings of being seen as "less than" if one suffered from anything that inhibited their ability to fully function as it was stated on all those f*cking forms and reports we had to fill out. I still tend to retreat back into myself rather than asking outwardly. Throw all the fits you need to until it feels better. With each fit comes yet another AFGO moment, as I like to call them. Another F'n Growth Opportunity. May your day and your mind be kind. Peace.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

I feel the same. I have no mental health insurance. I had a therapist pro bono but they are only like 8 session. I am in abject poverty because you have to be poor in the USA to receive medical care on disability. So the last 6 months, my only goal was not to kill myself. I took hemp oil which helped, but its back. I am chronically suicidal which I hope I don't because I have a family.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not going to lie. Today is getting rough again. The decreased contact with one major supporter started today and my system is freaking out. I know it's not logical, he is still "there", but I freak out none the less. I don't dare tell him as amazing things are happening for him and I can't bring him down. I guess I feel the need to do this on my own, but I don't know if that's more of the bad fierce independence rearing its head.

 

[Joan]

I did not see this post until today...somehow it got buried or I just did not see. I am sorry that you are struggling and "falling". I can so understand much of what you said about needing to just do it yourself, be independent, not ask or count on anyone...I have and still sometimes say those same things. Reality is that doen't work either...at least not for me. I do not have a magic answer at all, but want you to know that I hear you. I hope that you get what you need. Please take sweet care of yourself. You are not weak!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

What types of grounding and mindfulness techniques work best for you? How can you increase compassionate contact with yourself in a way to soothe your anxiety in their absence? Can focusing more on knowing the support is still very much there just momentarily paused help any? Maybe think of it as it being a chance for them to re-fuel their own love tanks? I don't know. Too bad they all had to make their pit stops to refuel at the same time, though, but there they are, and chances are it'll likely happen again.

Collages are a cool way to occupy mind/hands while distracting, too, when you see all the other stuff as you flip through magazines....that is if you have a stack of old ones and some glue. Decide on a theme...like places I'd like to go....who I see me as....who I'd like to be....what the support in my life means to me.....things that make me go hmmmm......favorite phrases.....things that piss me off...or whatever you wish to focus on.

Coloring...gathering things that are cool to me in nature...writing rhymes of the shit that's bugging me...losing myself in some favorite music....finding myself again in some more music....dancing like a fool and shaking the energies/funk off in the process....soaking in a hot epsom salt bath with some soothing sounds....crying and letting myself feel shit I've been running from my whole life (in small doses).....primal screaming into the pillow repeatedly....sleeping as much as humanly possible...writing a letter but not sending it...etc.

Sorry for piling up so much stuff and asking so many questions. Just trying to think of what I might do if I was trying to dig out one of my deep depressive ditches. Tossing you an extra shovel to have on hand. Shit gets deep down there. May you feel lighter tomorrow.