fern
Confident
So I'm coming to understand that a large part of my behaviors are not actually my real personality but are ptsd effects.. oof ?
I'm reading about the 4 F responses to trauma (fight/flight/freeze/fawn, Pete Walker) and I am primarily freeze, which, go figure, explains a lot of the dissociation.
When I was growing up, my narcissistic, toxic parent punished me regularly for my feelings/needs no matter how carefully I expressed it. When he would berate me, he was hypercritical even of my voice and facial expressions, and would punish me for reacting (and funny enough, for not reacting as well- I suppose he wanted a rise out of me after all and I wouldnt give it to him)
I learned to make myself as flat as possible. So I ended up disassociating to just zone out and get through the onslaught without feeling degraded, because no matter what I did there was no way around being torn apart.
It's crazy how much this is part of my life so many years later. I ended up experiencing multiple abusive relationships along the way. I am distrustful of most people, which is ok. I see people as dangerous (which Walker described in the freeze / dissociative defense section of the 4 F's) and tend towards isolating. I often zone out during social events/conversations, but also just in day to day life. I have a lot of avoidance, and it is hard to focus. I have called it brain fog, or my depression, which is part of it, but a much larger part than I realized is that I developed trauma response as a child and I didnt learn other ways to live, so this is my autopilot.
I avoid being physically grounded because some part of me connects physical presence with vulnerability/exploitation. This is why riding my bike is easier to do than yoga, even though yoga has been very beneficial and healing- I avoid it like the plague.
Pete Walker writes, "freeze types seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain dominant activities like TV, computer, and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever the inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality".
The last sentence perfectly describes the most terrifying and disorienting aspect of when I get triggered - I describe it as not knowing what is real anymore- things dont feel real, which causes internal panic.
I am getting better about not going into freeze mode regarding interpersonal conflict. I am improving by communicating honestly with my partner when I can identify feeling uncomfortable about something- just doing it and addressing it, and identifying what I need.
I have noticed a while ago that it is often difficult for me to know exactly how I feel and why when something uncomfortable happens, and I understand that is because of my freeze response- when something stressful happens, I shut down and dont fully process it until later, intentionally, with a good deal of effort. I have delayed emotional reactions regarding anger/conflict.
Although I've been in therapy a few times before, somehow this was never touched and it's all new to me.
Please share your experience with freeze response / dissociative defense! What is it like for you? How do you experience it and deal with it? And also any links or references, since I am absorbing all the information on this that I can (online reading atm).
I want to move forward and develop my sense of self and meaningful connection. How does one work on this response in a healthy, proactive way??
The obvious things I can think of are physical grounding, checking in with oneself to identify feelings, journaling, honoring one's own boundaries and needs, self exploration.
I'm reading about the 4 F responses to trauma (fight/flight/freeze/fawn, Pete Walker) and I am primarily freeze, which, go figure, explains a lot of the dissociation.
When I was growing up, my narcissistic, toxic parent punished me regularly for my feelings/needs no matter how carefully I expressed it. When he would berate me, he was hypercritical even of my voice and facial expressions, and would punish me for reacting (and funny enough, for not reacting as well- I suppose he wanted a rise out of me after all and I wouldnt give it to him)
I learned to make myself as flat as possible. So I ended up disassociating to just zone out and get through the onslaught without feeling degraded, because no matter what I did there was no way around being torn apart.
It's crazy how much this is part of my life so many years later. I ended up experiencing multiple abusive relationships along the way. I am distrustful of most people, which is ok. I see people as dangerous (which Walker described in the freeze / dissociative defense section of the 4 F's) and tend towards isolating. I often zone out during social events/conversations, but also just in day to day life. I have a lot of avoidance, and it is hard to focus. I have called it brain fog, or my depression, which is part of it, but a much larger part than I realized is that I developed trauma response as a child and I didnt learn other ways to live, so this is my autopilot.
I avoid being physically grounded because some part of me connects physical presence with vulnerability/exploitation. This is why riding my bike is easier to do than yoga, even though yoga has been very beneficial and healing- I avoid it like the plague.
Pete Walker writes, "freeze types seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain dominant activities like TV, computer, and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever the inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality".
The last sentence perfectly describes the most terrifying and disorienting aspect of when I get triggered - I describe it as not knowing what is real anymore- things dont feel real, which causes internal panic.
I am getting better about not going into freeze mode regarding interpersonal conflict. I am improving by communicating honestly with my partner when I can identify feeling uncomfortable about something- just doing it and addressing it, and identifying what I need.
I have noticed a while ago that it is often difficult for me to know exactly how I feel and why when something uncomfortable happens, and I understand that is because of my freeze response- when something stressful happens, I shut down and dont fully process it until later, intentionally, with a good deal of effort. I have delayed emotional reactions regarding anger/conflict.
Although I've been in therapy a few times before, somehow this was never touched and it's all new to me.
Please share your experience with freeze response / dissociative defense! What is it like for you? How do you experience it and deal with it? And also any links or references, since I am absorbing all the information on this that I can (online reading atm).
I want to move forward and develop my sense of self and meaningful connection. How does one work on this response in a healthy, proactive way??
The obvious things I can think of are physical grounding, checking in with oneself to identify feelings, journaling, honoring one's own boundaries and needs, self exploration.