Death Friend And Fellow Sufferer With Cancer

[Justmehere]

My friend is dying of cancer. He has PTSD too - we met at a bus stop. He has served in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now he is battling cancer and is very quickly losing the battle. Docs told him today that he has 3 months or left less to live. Too many of my loved ones have died too soon, too young, too early.

I want to DO something, but I can't. I can't fix this. I can only be the beat friend I can.

He tells me he loves me, like a friend, and all my complex trauma related attachment issues come up and I cringe. I take a deep breath and try to stay and not run or shut down. There isn't time to take a break and then go back. He will be dead soon.

I don't want him to die. I'm going to go walk along a creek with him later today, and try to not shut down and not run away.

 

[Ed Norton]

I am sorry to hear this news. I do not know what else I can say. You seem like a wonderful and supportive friend to have. It is a very sad situation.

 

[Caterpillar]

I'm sorry. I found out an old friend of mine is dying of cancer recently too. It hurts on a lot of levels and we aren't even really close anymore. Loss is a terrible thing to have to deal with.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I really feel for you. I am currently going through a similar but different situation with my friend who is a mentor of mine. I have a very hard time with the knowledge that he is going to die eventually.

Go ahead and grieve your poor heart and spirit. Take really good self care of you.

Like you, I am also trying to be the best friend I can be. I so understand the range of feelings you are having.

I hate death. I have lost my husband and my son and I still miss them. The world will not be the same when he dies.

I am here for you to listen and to support. PM me if you want to. Hugs and prayers.

 

[anthony]

IMO, to support someone who is dying you need to have a very clear, open and honest self reflection of the situation that you're embarking upon. If you focus on the death part, where everyone is going to die, then you will take yourself down in the process. You need to focus on just being open about what you feel, don't bottle anything up, and enjoy all the time spent with them, and be very accepting that they're going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't try and control it, just enjoy the time with them... gain more memories that you will cherish after their death, than focus on the act that is going to happen.

It's like my parents... they're getting old now. Problems are appearing, health issues are snowballing... they're old, and they could die today, tomorrow, or in another 20 years. I go and see them several times a year now (interstate) and just enjoy the time spent with them. I have accepted they're going to die, and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it... they've had their life and are now moving towards the end of it.

Preparation for death, whether days, weeks, months or years, is no different. Enjoy the quality of moments spent with them IMHO, accept death as part of life, and mourn them when dead by remembering the time and memories with them... and don't let the death part become the focus of your life.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Justmehere My Thoughts and Prayers are with you :hug:

Laurie

 

[Justmehere]

I have greatly hugely appreciated these responses. I'm sorry I didn't respond more sooner...

I have been avoiding this thread and I was even avoiding him for a week or so. It was so painful at first to face losing him that I just avoided it.

I finally got my act together and reconnected with him. In the past week or so he has asked me to be his girlfriend many times. I said no gently, and then clearly, no, not any chance of that. He responded by making weird comments about his thoughts on sex in relationships. He sounded drugged. I kept saying I don't want to talk about this. He told me he is not dying and he is a marine, he will kick cancers ass.

The next day, we have very heavy rains. He offered to help sandbag my place when it almost flooded and again said he is not dying. I declined is offer of help, as I did not need it anymore when he contacted me. (Plus, he is like really sick.,. I would have felt so bad... But I knew maybe his offer to help was partly him still wanting to feel useful.)

He has texted or emailed me multiple times a day, every day this week. He has covered my FB page with many messages of love and even stated contacting friends of mine through FB that he doesn't know asking for advice on how to convince me to be his girlfriend. My friends are awesome and told him he had to talk to me and they were not going to be a middle man. I told him to please stop and he did stop all the FB wall messages and he did stop contacting friends.

He never did anything like this ever before. Not ever.

I got private messages from him this morning. I told him was confused and overwhelmed by all his texts, and I don't know how to respond to his many offers to help me with things I already have help for, he went back to saying he was dying and oh he will never text me again.

I felt like I was talking to a dramatic two year old. I tried to remember who he used to be.

I didn't ask him to never text me. I was just trying to say I was confused and had no clue how to respond anymore.

I have tried to make a plan to connect up with him in person but then he ignores me when I do that saying he is embarrassed about his condition.

His friends and family have confirmed he really does have cancer and that he tells everyone he is fine and will live one moment and that he will die the next. It's a push/pull nightmare to the nth degree.

Today he went back to trying to convince me to date him, and to "let go of your fear and just hold open the possibility that we could be great together." He went on about how I should at least open up to him about why I won't...

I point blank told him again "my decision to not date you is one I have made for personal reasons that again I'm not discussing. Please do not ask again."

I asked how he was doing as he went back to telling me what a great person I am and how he wants me to always remember that, "even after I'm dead." He went on about the day he first met me and how beautiful I am.

He wasn't like this before. He also mentioned he had been drinking to make the cancer related bone pain go away.

I have no idea how to respond. I told him I want to be his friend and I need him to knock off all the attempts to convince me I date him. I have tried to be gentle and tried to be clear.

I don't feel like a person. I feel like a dying man's idealized obsession.

If he wasn't battling cancer, I would have cut him out of my life until he knocked off this stuff that I can't handle. I'm getting to the point where I may do that now, and I'm feel terrible about it. His comments are upsetting and really just making me feel bad. He means well or I don't know. I just feel really gross. I want to help and be a support but I don't think I am a helpful presence in his life when all he does is just obsess about wanting to date me and have sex with me before he dies... or not...

I'm so baffled by all this. He never did any of these thins before. None of it. He was a gentleman. Maybe it's the disease or the drugs for the cancer or his new alcohol use...

Am I terrible for thinking of cutting off contact for now? Despiteall my attempts, he won't talk of anything but his feelings for me, which I can not reciprocate on a romantic level, which he does not accept...

The friend as I knew it is gone. I don't want to be his obsession. Dying or not.

I wish he was ok. His friends and family say he talks about me to them as well. I'm so baffled. I really didn't see it until now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sad that you are going through this experience.

He is the one being the problem and all of his issues are being affected by his cancer and his alcohol use.

He sounds obsessed with you with the personality of a stalker. He is not seeing or hearing the real you.

You are going to be the one to be there for yourself. You will hopefully set the boundries and limits with him and if that does not work with him try to refuse to respond to his texts.

I realize that this is an intense, triggering, and complicated problem. It does not sound healthy at all for you.

I have had to make so many impossible decisions in my life and you can do it too. You may have to completely break off contact with him and try to remember that this is not your fault and that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have available.

My heart goes out to you.

I wish you peace of mind and confidence that you are making the best possible choice for you that you are able.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks @gizmo.

I've been thinking about what everyone wrote before he became drunkenly in love with some idealized idea of me. And how he is now.

Just as I was writing this post, he texted me again. "No drama. I'm just telling you I am ok with dying alone."

That was the entire facebook private message. I have no idea what that was. It feels like passive aggressive guilt tripping b.s. Or maybe I'm just mad.

I responded by giving him an ultimatum of sorts. Either we go to talk to a hospice counselor together, he talks to them alone, or I won't be in his life. He responded by telling me how damn tough he is and how many wars he has survived and that he will survive cancer too. He said he did not even feels sick until he started chemo. He said he quit chemo and is going to try holistic med. He did chemo one time. (which is fine by me how he chooses to fight it.)

I told him I can't take the idealizing and constant begging of me to be in a romantic relationship with him and I can't be he friend unless he gets counseling of some kind. He reminds me every other day he is dying and I don't get the point of doing that and then the next day telling me he isn't. I never bring up the cancer. He brings it all up himself... and I can't do this. He sent me a message about how we wants to just be friends and he is sorry, yet again. I've heard that so many times in the last week alone.

I messaged back and listed why I believe anyone would need help and that hospice counseling doesn't mean he is dead or for sure going to die. It just means some doc said he is going to die in less than three months and that's stressful and hard! I told him some people who go to hospice to talk to someone live, some do not. I told him I'm not doing this where one day he is calling me in a druken stupor claiming he is going to live for ever and then sending me messages when questionably sober to tell me he is going to die alone. I told him if he CHOOSES to die alone, then that is his choice. I told him there are many people who would like to be with him, live or die, but he is pushing them all away and I'm not going to be another friend who just its around and watches him do himself in. I told him if he wants me in his life, then he's gotta go talk to a counselor about this cancer. He messaged me back more about how tough he is and he will be fine. I asked point blank it the doc said he would die. He said yes. So I wrote him, "THEN BE MAN ENOUGH TO GO TALK TO HOSPICE OR A COUNSELOR ABOUT BEING TOLD THAT."

yeah... so... not one of my finer moments.... :( I can't believe I really wrote that. I was so upset.

He replied, "MAN UP? You have no idea who I am, what I have done, been through or witnessed."

I responded, "You are right. I have no clue what you have been though. I have deep respect for how you have served our country. I know you have faced horrors worse than I could even imagine. So how could talking to a counselor be any worse?"
(Yes, I know that can be way scarier in a way...)

He then messaged to tell me he is getting calls to go save a drowning driver in the creek. Which I don't know if that is possible. He told me he didn't have a job right now. He asked me to call him too.

I responded, "I'm not changing my mind. If you want me in your life, if you want me to call you, then I need you to talk to a counselor and I'm glad to go with or not go with you. I don't want your bullshit excuses why you don't need to. You are human. You are mortal."

I feel like a real jerk right now. I feel like *I* am trying to push him away.

 

[Justmehere]

He asked me to call him again. I wrote, "no, not until you agree to talk to a counselor. I'm not responding further until then." He pleaded again.

I feel like a cruel jerk... but I can't do this. I can not have him call me every day and remind me of his cancer that he is not doing anything about and getting drunk and saying he wants sex with me before he dies when he is drunk but then saying he is sorry when he is sober the next day and that he understands he will die alone now because of it. I can't take the passive aggressive and guilt tripping about his terminal diagnosis. I'm not sure why I gave the ultimatum/boundary of counseling at hospice or elsewhere, but I don't know what else to say. I'm not sure I believe him. I don't know if this is my own stuff or his but other people tell me they feel this way about him right now... which is so weird... but like somehow, he just seems full of it.

I do know that this relationship is not good for either of us. There is no circumstance in which I need to put up with drunken calls from him asking for sex. I can't do it. It triggers the hell out of me. I'm triggered now thinking of him calling me again.

Something does not sit right.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you for setting the boundry with him. Stick to your guns and refuse to respond to him until he makes the effort to help himself. He is crying victim and you savior. You are his friend and have rights not to be exposed to such nonsense. I am very sad you have to deal with this impossible situation.

He has to make the effort to help himself and not to continue on the negative path he is on.

Be really kind to you. I imagine you are at your wits end and I am so proud of you for setting the limit. You are being a very good friend to him in being so honest with him. Hugs.