Friend Has Ptsd But I'm Frustrated With The Self-pity

[Bihelu]

Here's the thing... people with PTSD and other disorders do have to develop coping skills rather than seek accommodation for their debility... you're opening post clearly illustrates how the depressive aspect can wear out even the most well intentioned/good willed/loving and caring people.

I had this situation actually happen to me, but was fortunately called out on it by two in real life friends.

I was fortunate, too, to have a shrink who took a rather rigid approach with me, "it was not the world's or other's responsibility to adapt to ME... it was my responsibility to learn and endeavor to cope with the world and others".

 

[Gemuvo]

Please remember some times, time to 'wallow in self pity', be sad or grieving in one way or another, IS a part of healing.

Sure, if it's in the way of coping and completely disabling and alienating her from the daily life, there may be time to gently remind her things are fixable & to move on.... but it may also be a thing she needs to do, that 'wallowing' time, to mobilize her own resources and kickstart healing.

 

[Uveza]

time to 'wallow in self pity', be sad or grieving in one way or another, IS a part of healing.

I agree strongly with this. I wonder if you were to ask her to speak to her T about the concerns that you may have that she may be 'stuck' (aka frozen) in this stage. The T may be able to give her a strategy for moving forward.

I think that it is important to realize that sufferers are many times retraumatized when therapy (and thus our memories) of these things are spoken of. I have to agree that if I were speaking to a friend about these memories, it was to get a clearer picture and try to assimilate the information in a meaningful way.

 

[Ero]

But it has brought up some childhood trauma which she also needs to deal with on top of her PTSD.

It may not be relevant, but the childhood trauma may well be the cause of the PTSD

she brought up some terrible things that someone had done to her in the past -truly shocking things -to the point where she was terrified and moved countries. But I was equally confused as I know she continues to maintain a relationship with this person. She explained that she had almost lost this person through illness which is why she wanted to maintain this relationship. She knows what this person is like but has chosen to carry on with this relationship. She doesn't accept this person for who they are and doesn't accept what they do but continues this relationship .

If this person was an abusive parent or spouse then it is complicated. Your friend may still be in denial about the cause of what has happened. It is very common in PTSD to blame ourselves, instead of the perpetrators. It can take along time and a lot of support to put the blame where it belongs. She may be hoping you will help her see this.

 

[Nuhav]

Maybe I'm wrong in assuming this, but I've assumed that if there's something causing unhappiness in life you sort of expect it to continue causing unhappiness until you choose to take the time and effort to begin dealing with it and doing something about it.

There is some truth in this, but you also said...

She is now seeing a psychologist which is great

So it sounds like she is starting to try and put that time and effort in, but...

gives reasons why she has chosen not to do anything about them (because she's not ready to deal with them or it's not within her current capacity to do anything about them at this stage), reasons which I respect.

^^^this is important^^^ in my opinion. Especially if it relates to this...

at various times she continues to bring up all the horrible things this person has done and continues to do to her. I'm struggling to understand why she does this. She knows what this person is like but has chosen to carry on with this relationship

Continuing relationships with abusers can be really difficult to understand from the outside. There can be a number of reasons for it but one of them, from the other things you've shared, is probably that she's not feeling strong enough yet, or have enough clarity about what she wants, to make that decision to break the bond she has with this person.

For me there are all sorts if things involved - the impact it would have on other people (innocent), guilt, conflicting feelings about the person, but mostly - not feeling strong enough to face the fallout from the decision at this point in time (in my case, in the shorter term at least, my life would be made a new level of living hell at a time when I'm ill equipped to cope with it).

It's a rock and a hard place thing, and while I know it's partly of my own choosing, I still need to vent sometimes about that bloody rock!