Relationship Friend To Boyfriend And Back To Friend?

[OrangeJulius]

Hey all,

Seeking whatever knowledge and experience you can throw my way.

My combat vet was a good friend to start. We became friends with benefits. And then we became exclusive and he was my boyfriend....and was unfaithful. I broke up with him, we stopped speaking completely.

He got really bad after we broke up. He reached out to a mutual friend of ours looking for help (VERY uncharacteristic). Stopped sleeping (he always slept better when we shared a bed). Didn't do anything social. Started drinking more. Supposedly wasn't even going on dates (he seems to fill voids with women, we broke up once before and he had a new girl in his bed within 24 hours).

Less than 3 weeks ago (a couple months after I broke up with him) he apologized for everything and took full responsibility for all his actions. He missed me. He didn't want me to hate him. We started talking again as friends. In these 2.5 weeks we've talked more feelings than the year and a half we've known each other. He's asked multiple times about what I'm thinking (which he hasn't done before) and he's opened up about private things in his life that he says he hasn't told anyone before. I've never seen him express an emotion besides anger and always wondered if he was the type that doesn't cry anymore... and then he admitted to welling up when he heard a song earlier in the day. He said he's logging more hours of sleep now, but he dreams more than he ever has before and wakes up anxious and unrested. He said he doesn't feel proud of what he's done anymore because of guilt and inadequacy.

He hasn't gotten help for his PTSD yet. He's 3 years out of the Marines and its always been a "once I have insurance I'll get help because the VA sucks" sort of thing. I've always felt it was more of a he wasn't ready to do it and leaned on the insurance thing because he could. And he's progressed a lot on his own. He's a lot less angry now than when I met him, but I know he has ways to go to be happier on a more regular basis.

Honestly I don't know where this post is going anymore.

I guess I'm wondering if anybody's seen something like this before? Could us breaking up been some kind of rock bottom for him and now he's ready to face things, and that's why he started talking to me about his experiences? And did he reconnect with me because he needs my support through what he's thinking about doing and confronting?

I'm also worried he might be trying to win me back (which he has not asked for, but he knows he's in no position for either). We're both not over each other by any means, but I've been hurt enough that I can't go back. But for him, IF that's his goal, am I hurting any progress he can make by being emotionally supportive and not letting him have me back? Is it better that we don't have a friendship anymore?

Yes, I realize he's the only one that can answer these things for me. I'm just curious what your thoughts are too while I sort my feelings, choose my words, and grow some balls.

 

[Barconian]

Get get rid of him

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'd say he wants you back. How many guys out there cheat on a woman, break up, and then later reconnect without having some sort of interest in her? It usually doesn't happen.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think that those with untreated PTSD should not be in a relationship....er, they should not be starting new relationships, more specifically.

Things are fine and dandy now because you're back in the honeymoon period (even though it's just a friendship at this point) Sooner or later his stress cup will overflow and old ways of coping will resurface.

Added....
He wants you back. You can't go back. It may be time to move on.

 

[keifer]

I've been there but I was the guy minus new girl in bed within 24hrs. I still love that girl but we broke up and I didn't go back.

Without her support I'm very alone. He sounds like he needs help but it has to be his choice. I'd also agree with the above, new relationships makes things more complicated.

You can give him the support he needs. He may want more in a relationship which could substitute emotions over his PTSD. PTSD will still be there and your relationship will be hard.

You two need to talk and sort this out else it will not end well for either of you. I'd like to see it work out for you but I also know, it doesn't happen all the time either and much pain is involved.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

OrangeJulius, I won't say get rid of him because I know what it's like.

I have been in your EXACT position so your post made me a little sad.

My ex also cheated and did (and still does) a lot of things that hurt me on the one hand, and loved (and still does) me madly and I'm the only person he has ever trusted and opened up to on the other hand.

After posting here twice and reading all the other's opinions, I concluded that cheating and treating someone badly has NOTHING to do with PTSD if they didn't have it in them already, before PTSD. Keep that in mind during your inner conversations.

ps. feel free to pm me anytime when you have questions or feel like venting

 

[Badger]

I think PTSD can make people distrustful and distrustful people can cheat. So I would disagree that PTSD cannot be the cause of cheating although I am sure the relationship is indirect and far from statistically predictable. Sort of a defense reaction-like "She's going to do it to me so I'd better do it to her first." Sort of the reason that they say jealous people cheat. Or cheaters are jealous. I've heard it put this way- "Jealousy is like spicing a dish, a little adds flavor, too much and it becomes inedible." I can only see having another woman in his bed within 24 hours of leaving you as attention getting behavior. It's also self sabotaging, if he did want to work on your relationship, his careless behavior has now made it impossible for him to do so.

I can't blame you for being hurt, and not wanting to ride that roller coaster again. Help with the PTSD would also probably improve all of the irrational unpredictable behavior. I think as friend helping to encourage him to get help is the best thing you can do for him. I certianly would not go back with him, until he gets it consistently for a long period of time. Sex can also be addictive behavior and it does sound like there is some compulsion at work here. Most people use addictions to take the focus off their problems. Could be you were being used in that way and now that you are NOT there for him sexually, it is forcing him to see more deeply into himself and his own motivations. Good Luck.