"friends" Of Toxic People

[Deleted member 1860]

So I've posted about ousting a toxic person from my life. My issue now is that I don't even feel comfortable associating with friends of this toxic person. To clarify, I am referring to friends of the toxic person, and these people are NOT close to me.

I guess the big question is why do I feel guilty ceasing contact with (associating with in any way) such people who aren't close to me?

And why don't I feel comfortable associating with the toxic persons friends? Well, the toxic person is a master manipulator. The stories get told, and I end up having to defend my behavior. That is, I end up looking like the bad, horrible, nasty person in it all when I'm just trying to move on and protect myself.

Ugh. I literally feel like I'm in a war. No offense meant to those of you who have actually been to war. I mean it in the sense that I feel like I have to fight for my basic rights, ie just to feel safe, and I'm to the point where I'd sacrifice anyone and anything just to feel safe. I mean I'd let go of relationships and walk away from everything I own if I had to. I no longer wish to hold on to toxicity just so I won't be alone.

 

[Spiderallis]

I know in cutting ties with a toxic friend, I lost a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances. Some I liked much more than others, but overall it was a good thing for me to do. In time I found new friends, it took a little while but they're far better friends than the ones I'd left behind. Those who keep a toxic friend are often a bit, um, questionable themselves. By removing yourself from an unhealthy social situation, you're making room for better relationships to form.

When asked why I was no longer friends with the toxic person, I kept it simple and said "We had some ethical differences". It worked well, the few people caught in the middle understood enough of what had happened. I was being polite and respectful, while the toxic person was demanding that everyone cut off contact with me. Healthy people recognize what's going on in those situations, and the people I'd rather not associate with didn't bother me at all.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi SOL,

As you may remember, (you responded to my thread) I too recently cut a toxic 'friend' out of my life. I had gotten to know some people through her, nice people, but I did not see it as possible to have any contact with them either. So I have deleted all of them on fb too. I know this will add to the talk about me because I do not think any of them will get why I had to disappear entirely from anything that has to do with her, and I also found it a bit rude to just disappear from them too, without an explaination, as they have done nothing to me, but I came to the conclusion: I really don't care! I just want her and everything that has to do with her gone from my life! My safety is the most important thing!

 

[Mayday]

I was being polite and respectful, while the toxic person was demanding that everyone cut off contact with me. Healthy people recognize what's going on in those situations, and the people I'd rather not associate with didn't bother me at all.

That's a really important thing to know, because it's hard not to try and defend yourself when a toxic person is spreading lies or gossip about you. Staying polite and respectful is the way to go, when possible...and let the toxic person's behaviour speak for itself.

Like that saying, "The best revenge is a life well lived".

 

[ericaboo]

Normally if I cut someone out, I cut their associates out too. But - just to be the devil's advocate, recently I was talked into visiting a friend of a "foe" and it actually worked out really well.

The person I had cut out never came up in any conversation, and I never felt like they were trolling for gossip. They simply wanted to continue their friendship with me, and I suspect they may have been cutting the offending person from their life as well...

So - I guess there can be a grey area occasionally...

 

[just me here]

I generally take the view that if a person is willing to listen to garbage about me then let them.

They might come to me and tell me what they heard but thats not a way to get any points, after all they were willing to listen to it and the toxic ear bender felt comfortable telling them whatever it was they said. I generally just laugh and then floor them by asking them if mr. toxic really said that? wow. Do you think mr. toxic knows you repeat this stuff to me? Do you think mr. toxic knows you can't be trusted? (I do).

I honestly would be fine if all the toxic listeners and repeaters of this world were told that I eat my pets. Anything that makes me so unlikeable that they won't waste my time with false friendship. When I am eating at Mcdonalds it would be nice if just the sight of my car in the parking lot would be enough to make them all go to burger king that day for lunch.

I usually just write off everyone that was associated with the toxic person, it is safer than remaining open to more toxicity. They are probably fine with that, who cares if their not?

When asked why I don't like someone I always tell the truth- "because they don't want me to and I am always glad to help someone out".

51 years old, no close friends, no trust for anyone, and no remorse. No one gets to fool me twice. I react strongly to the little stuff because thats the only warning you get before the big stuff comes along. I say clean house, thats the only way to keep the house clean.

 

[snappy_turtle]

No one gets to fool me twice. I react strongly to the little stuff because thats the only warning you get before the big stuff comes along

I can't tell you how much I actually relate to you on this topic. It's weird though because people who don't understand what we've all been through will start up saying "why can't you just let the little things go?" when in reality it's the little things that give you the warning of the bigger things to come.

I had a toxic person in my life who caused me my trauma. I immediately cut out all the people who were closest to him from my life and for months I didn't give them any explanation why. They knew I had been very depressed before so some of those that I had been close with before that toxic person reared his ugly toxic head, started to ask if I was alright and why I had dropped off the face of the planet. I kept it brief and said I was busy and that I just didn't find an interest in spending time with some of the other people that mingle with our group. There were 2 people who I still saw daily that would mingle with this toxic person, and due to obligations of my boyfriend's living situations, I could not disconnect from them in that way. I figured that because they were so far removed from the individual that it wouldn't be an issue....HOWEVER, little did I know that I had been the topic of many conversations and slander with this toxic person and my boyfriend's roommate. This past weekend my boyfriend's roommate reared HER ugly head and started to accuse me of being a liar, a whore, a slut and a bitch (the only people who would put that in her head is the toxic person who caused my trauma in hopes that if I had been talking about him that he could try and negate that slander and make me look like the bad person). I brushed it off in front of her and walked away, only to go up to my boyfriend's room and cry for hours in privacy.

It's definitely devastating and I would definitely recommend cutting them all out the first chance you get because the way I see it is that if they were really your friends, they would not believe any of the slander said about you and they would make it evident to you that they've got your back.
As for me, my boyfriend will no longer be living with these triggering people in about a month from now because of what they have effectively done to ruin my peace of mind and constantly reminding me of how unwelcome I am in this world and with the immature behavior they have exhibited towards me. I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to finally, I mean FINALLY after 1 whole year of dealing with my trauma, to be able to cut off the last tie to any of those people or that toxic person. It will feel like complete and utter freedom.

 

[mamachick]

The most toxic have been in my own family. It is like leaving the "pack". But when you have a group of people, things just go round and round often. I have tried to disconnect from some but now all. There is always something that comes up and easy to get drawn back in. This is just how it has worked in my family. Im sure others have allies within their own family that this does not happen in.

Toxic will breed more toxic. I can see how hanging on has changed the person that I was. I was a much nicer person before I got caught up in this. I admit that I am very hurt and feel very sad that this is how it is, but it is what it is.

 

[Candleflames]

It's been a few years since I had to cut a toxic person out. I remembering it being very emotionally difficult. I didn't have a whole lot of friends and I was slowly becoming friends with one of toxic girl's friends. I thought she was a very interesting and nice person and I really didn't want to lose a potentially good friend because I couldn't stand to be around the toxic person.

I ended up explaining a couple of major issues (hard drug use and stealing) to just this one person. Told I had to walk away from the situation but that I wanted to continue/develop our friendship. All kinds of rumors went around about me and she heard them all. I'd catch wind of them from other sources and they were hilarious. My new friend and I mostly didn't talk about the toxic girl or what was being said behind my back. Occasionally she'd try to pass on a message but I would stop her and remind her that that was not her responsibility. Every other mutual friend I also dropped as they were part of the same sick group dynamic.

When I look back I can see that my reservations were really about the possibility of this one great friendship. I didn't want to give up on that and was considering keeping the toxic friend as a bridge to build this other bond. So I guess what I am wondering is if you also felt a connection to one of the friends of this other person but haven't been able to nurture a bond of that is independent of the toxic person? For the record I am, and have been for many years now, close friends with the once acquaintance. She is also still friends with the toxic girl.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to finally, I mean FINALLY after 1 whole year of dealing with my trauma, to be able to cut off the last tie to any of those people or that toxic person. It will feel like complete and utter freedom.

Good for you, snappy_turtle! :tup:

 

[heidi]

Staying polite and respectful is the way to go, when possible...and let the toxic person's behaviour speak for itself.

I was being polite and respectful, while the toxic person was demanding that everyone cut off contact with me. Healthy people recognize what's going on in those situations, and the people I'd rather not associate with didn't bother me at all.

Fantastic advice. Though I have to say I don't understand the stress and I'm probably not being sensitive enough but I don't understand why you can't just cut and run be thankful that you're not related.

I just realized. I do have a solid peace of advice after all. Which is that these people are often more transparent then you might think. I know they get credit for deceiving people, but you'd be surprised how many people are aware of their antics. You might not have to defend yourself as much as you think you do.

 

[just me here]

these people are often more transparent then you might think. I know they get credit for deceiving people, but you'd be surprised how many people are aware of their antics. You might not have to defend yourself as much as you think you do.

Correct- time will catch up with everyone eventually.

That's great if you have unlimited time, I don't so I just cut to the chase whenever possible. But when I can't , when my job or other things keep me in contact with a toxic person I know that they will eventually dry up and blow away, and I know from many experiences that people will get as used to not having the toxic person there as they did to having the constant toxic everyday. After they are gone, even the memory of the things that happened become hard for them to deal with.