Friends suicide and stuff.

[Chris-duck]

So my mate killed themselves last week, not entirely unexpected, still pretty bollocks. It's also lead to 13yo being like "if they can top themselves, why can't I?" so she ODd. And she's fine, physically at least. And I've been a bit like "shit gets better and there's other options etc etc"

But is there? Like dad offered to kill me like 18 years ago or something if I didn't have the balls to do it myself, and I kinda think he shoulda sometimes. Like I'm not gonna act, cos it's a bit late now, people that rely on me and stuff. Just yah. Obv I think she should stay alive, but yah.

Stayed at mates for a few days and they basically wouldn't let me leave, I didn't threaten owt but I'm just so f*cking brain dead theyd leave a film on the night before and I'd still be watching the credits/pick an option bit hours later n not even noticing or caring. I'm just sleep deprived and yah, tired.

Called into work but probs going back boxing day, I'm just a bit dumb for nursing right now. And yah. I like to end these posts with an actual attempt at voicing what I'm looking for, but yah, I dunno. Just yah, whatever is up for offer is fine. N no need to reply at all. I'm safe/have support network/gotta f*cking blag Christmas regardless/have plans to return to work etc.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It leaves a lot of pain, and exhaustion. You need sleep my friend. Lots of it and it gives it's own kind of relief....time away from the thoughts....I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry things are so shitty right now.

 

[Freemartin]

Shit. I’m so sorry. I mean ... what can I say? Uhm, I’m here.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry. I don't have words but thinking of you.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys.

I think my main thing is people around me all want to die, therefore I cause it and if I die, that fixes it.

I recognise the crazy, cos its obviously far from logical. So no intention to act, but I just *feel* like I deserve it. Regardless of logic or intent.

 

[Survivor3]

Sorry for your loss. I know how suicide effects people. My best mates dad committed suicide when we were kids. I've nearly died several times in my life and tried to commit suicide in 2007.

You only get one life. You must be feeling pretty bad but you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Hope you feel better soon and glad you have a good support system.

 

[Movingforward10]

That sounds a really hard place to be @Chris-duck
Maybe for now, just knowing the difference between your feeling around this and the logical thought is enough to get through this part of grief and everything that is happening around you.

You don't deserve this.

 

[Sideways]

It's a really difficult time of year for people with mental health issues. I'm so sorry that your friend lost their struggle with their illness. It brings home how important out supportive factors are, especially during the 'festive period'.

I think my main thing is people around me all want to die, therefore I cause it and if I die, that fixes it.

It seems like a pretty normal response, to me, that losing a friend to suicide would trier thoughts about suicide (which so often don't have a lot of rationality to them). Most likely you're not the only one of this person's circle that has been thinking about suicide, either for the first time, or more intensely, since this loss.

For me, in some respects, I think that would be a sad but somehow helpful notion. Because no, suicide doesn't make it better for the people left behind. Didn't for your friend, and wouldn't for you.

Try and be gentle with yourself. I know that may look different for you than for others, but however that best works for you? Self compassion, in whatever form it takes.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys

It seems like a pretty normal response, to me, that losing a friend to suicide would trier thoughts about suicide (which so often don't have a lot of rationality to them). Most likely you're not the only one of this person's circle that has been thinking about suicide, either for the first time, or more intensely, since this loss.

For me, in some respects, I think that would be a sad but somehow helpful notion. Because no, suicide doesn't make it better for the people left behind. Didn't for your friend, and wouldn't for you.

I know. Like I really do. But it's like my brain has a readymade argument for pro suicide, and this just kinda adds to it. And I know I won't act, it's just acknowledging that I won't (which is true) makes the thoughts that I *should* louder. And I'm well versed at like ignoring myself, heh. But omg I'm so tired. Like my irrational brain right now appears to think that my actions can somehow save the world (or just the people around me..). And I know, that's f*cking nuts, and giving myself way too much credit (or the opposite really), and even if it wasn't, I don't actually want to die. Every suicidal thought in my brain is more "I deserve to", like self punishment, not to make the shit stop.

Try and be gentle with yourself. I know that may look different for you than for others, but however that best works for you? Self compassion, in whatever form it takes.

I legit don't even know what it looks like for me. Not meaning to be dense AF, just.. I'm kinda staring blankly at walls when left to my own devices. Like not a real person, just a bit of a dysfunctional robot. Need some sort of outside influence before I know how to respond to it apparently. And I'm isolating pretty hard, so yah.

I hear myself, and I know how nuts I sound, but meh, nowhere I haven't been before and dragged my dumb arse out of. I'm fine.

 

[Sideways]

I totally hear you.

When my brain gets into suicide mode, some really irrational shite starts to seem like flawless logic. Perception gets a bit off when I'm really distressed.

It gets exhausting and repetitive and frustrating, but while the thoughts themselves are illogical, their presence is not. "Thanks Brain for being predictable, but no, suicide does not make sense." Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

And losing someone to suicide is right up there as a really distressing experience. Having intrusive and persistent thoughts about suicide is also distressing, all by itself.

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know - which includes that your version of self care may be different from the person next to you. But as uncomfortable as it is, you deserve to have people in your life telling you that you deserve self-compassion right not. Because you do.

And that's one thing we can offer round here.

 

[Muttly]

Can't add much to what Sideways has said. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's such a hard thing and kind of grinding. I wish there were magic words I could off that could make it easier for you