Frightened Of My Own Mind

[heyheyhey]

Hello everyone,

I've had C-PTSD for maybe 8 months or so. Recently, I've started getting bad anxiety and panic attacks. They normally happen when I don't feel safe. But I get really worried I'm going crazy. Like I'll feel so shit scared out in public and around people, my mind races like "what if someone harms me?".

My mind seems to make 'creepy' associations, that really upset me and make me worry if I am crazy and make me feel scared of my own mind :(. I worry about how dark it feels. I'm on holiday at the moment and I saw a guy on the beach put his finger to his mouth, and it reminded me of something a serial killer from a film would do. I then started get panicky like "why am I thinking such a horrible thought?' "this is something someone who is crazy would think" "do I think he's a serial killer?!" (am I crazy?) (it just kept escalating) and then I thought 'no I don't think so - but why is he doing that?!" Then my mind was just got flooded with fear and I felt such a panic and a need to run.

Strangers just make me feel so panicky and frightened sometimes - I feel like a visceral sense of fear around them and I wonder if they are safe, and sometimes this builds up into a panic attack. Other times I'm absolutely fine and I KNOW people are harmless. But my panic gets triggered when I have 'creepy' thoughts and associations coz I'm terrified it's a sign I am going crazy and then I feel frightened of people an hyper-vigilant, even on a rational level I know they can't hurt me - why do I feel so f*cking terrified around strangers and in new places? And then why does my mind sometimes think weird, creepy things?

I just feel flooded with fear, I'm so scared that I'm going crazy. I just feel hyper alert and like I might be harmed, frightened of people and like they aren't safe, but I kind of know it's irrational. This makes me so terrified that I am bat shit crazy :( and having paranoid episodes.

I just find it so upsetting to not be in control of my mind - everything feels and looks creepy, frightening and ominous. And I just freak out that I am developing schizophrenia.

This panic mostly arose from serious jet lag and a very intense flashback (or something)/half nightmare where I felt like seriously in danger and like someone was harming me, when I was half asleep in bed, this then went into a full blown panic attack.

Please help, does anyone relate to this?

I'm frightened of what is in my own mind and the darkness, I hate the panic, I hate the terror, I hate feeling like people might harm me and I'm so worried that this means I am developing schizophrenia. When I calm down a bit, I know it's irrational but when the weird panicky thoughts start popping up - I just worry it's paranoia and I feel so panicked and scared.

Also, I don't get it, like I felt hurt a lot before the panic and depressed and out of control sometimes, but I didn't feel f*cking frightened all the time. Ugh, where is this all coming from?

It's weird though coz sometimes I feel fine, but I hate how creepy and frightening and mind and the world can look sometimes.

Please can someone help :)? I had a panic attack about two hours ago so still quite panicked and freaked out (and sorry for any typos :)!).

 

[shimmerz]

Have you got a good trauma therapist?

From my experience, which, in the early days was very similar to yours, I was taught that those 'feelings' come from somewhere (usually the reptilian brain on steroids), but that there is some basis in fact of them.

The problem is that it can balloon - and the longer you leave it untreated - not challenge the thoughts - the worse it CAN get. I advise getting a good trauma (specific) therapist.

 

[heyheyhey]

Hi Shimmerz,

Thanks for your reply and your advice. I do currently have a counselor but haven't seen her since this started as I've been on holiday, and it was triggered by some bad jet lag. I'm going to book an appointment with her as soon as I get back :).

Do you have any advice on how I can manage it as best as possible in the mean time? Have a few days to go. I've been reading a book on CBT and panic, but it doesn't really deal with any of the PTSD so it's not super helpful.

Thanks so much for your reply!

 

[shimmerz]

It sounds like you have lost faith in your mind. That is a pretty scary thing. Been there, done that. I think most likely the most important thing that helped me was recognizing that my mind had a REASON for putting my body into panic mode. Just because I didn't know what it was, didn't mean that it wasn't a real thing.

Faith, I think as your panic seems to be a circular thing. 'This is freaking me out, why is it freaking me out? Oh my god I am losing my mind - which is freaking me out? See how that goes? So much of this seems to be you being caught in a circular pattern of 'oh my god I am going insane! What is WRONG with me'

I wonder if you could perhaps settle on 'This is happening for a reason, and I am set up to figure out what that reason is with my T. I will learn to understand what is happening and that will change my life for the better immensely.'
Not sure if that is helpful or not, but just my thoughts.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I guess our own minds can be doing what we do not understand. I am being stalked on a daily basis by some nasty miserable people. People that try with all their might to force their pathetic lives into my path.
So, not only do I have to deal with PTSD, I also have to deal with continued threats. I don't know what is worse: imagined threats or real ones?

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know what is worse: imagined threats or real ones?

Real ones. When you know the stalking is over, there are things you can do to 'adjust your mind to your new safe reality'. Takes years sometimes... but it can be done. When the threat is real.... one just has to keep adjusting their lives... smaller, smaller, smaller and hope they don't end up maimed somewhere.

 

[LateInThe Day]

Realise it's a while since this was been posted. Can I relate to it - completely. I could have written a lot of your post myself. I did it just the other day when I saw a man walking through the car park that for some unknown reason triggered me into a full blown cycle of paranoia (I was v tired and had had a horrible day). I spent the next 24 hours talking myself through it. Terrifying, exhausting, frustrating, frankly boring too. I've found Pete Walker's book on 'CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving' life-changing and refer to it constantly at times like that. I found it a big read to get into at first, and isn't for everyone, but it may be worth a try. Good luck and hugs. Remember to find/use all the safe support you can around you at times like this. You are not alone!