Sufferer Frightened Of My Symptoms

[Malia]

Hello. My name is Malia; I am a twenty six year old female, and I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. The diagnosis is fairly recent so I'm still learning about it and trying to come to terms with things. Posting on here is kind of scary for me, but it's definitely a step I need to take.

So I have some questions about my symptoms and I would love to hear from other people about it. Do you have symptoms that scare you? Do you feel like you've changed as a person and wonder if you can ever be your "old self"?

Here are some of the things I've been experiencing. I have nightmares every single night and cannot seem to get a break. They're usually about my "attacker" or other traumatic memories. I have been starting to remember some pretty vivid and horrible things I must have blocked, which is quite amazing to me. I had no idea the human brain was this powerful. I also have memory loss and that worries me. I sometimes forget what I'm saying to someone mid sentence. I am also forgetting everyday things like how a stop light works. I can no longer drive because of my memory. It even caused me to get in two minor accidents.

One of the symptoms that REALLY terrifies me, is uncharacteristic explosive anger. Angry outbursts are the complete opposite of my personality. I've always been a peacemaker and very calm person despite some anxiety problems. Lately however, the most trivial things will trigger me and I simply cannot control the intense anger I feel. I usually end up braking things and hurting myself. I have never felt more frightened, out of control, and just simply ashamed of myself. Why can I not control myself?! The other day I tried so hard not to break anything and asked my husband for help. It was horrible. My husband looked extremely worried or scared. For about an hour I trembled, had muscle spasms, and just felt physically strange! Does anyone else experience this? Is there anything I can do to get these outbursts under control?

I've also been severely Agorophobic. I cannot leave the house at all. It's even difficult for me to go outside. If my husband manages to get me to go somewhere with him, I cannot leave the car. I have never been so frightened of nearly everything in my entire life before. I'm even afraid to call loved ones on the phone. My sister called me the other day because she was worried, and she had to call three times before I got the nerve to answer.

I feel as though I am losing myself. I just feel so desperate. I know I need some professional help, but I no longer have insurance. :/ Any help at all would be highly appreciated. Sorry about the novel. :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Malia and welcome to the forum.

I'm so please you took the courageous step and posted your introduction. My advise would be to read the information from Anthony on the home page, including the explaination about the PTSD Cup.

Take your time looking around and post as and when you feel able.

Wishing you peace
KP.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Malia and welcome to the forum:) I had a bad anger problem and that was what got me into therapy. I have a question, can you find a therapist that works on a sliding scale, a reduced fee? It might be something you may want to explore at some point. You were really brave and couragous posting.

There are alot of really wonderful people who have been there, who understand. And this place is a treasure trove of valuable information. Take your time exploring around here. It has helped me alot.

I used to be agoraphobic and had to have my husband drive me places. I don't have it anymore and I do all of the driving now. Long story. You are not alone, and it is going to be ok.

 

[Helliepig]

Hi Malia, welcome to the forum. The answer to your questions are yes - I have had lots of symptoms that frighten me and often feel like I've lost myself. Bits of me that have been locked away come out and at times I'm not sure who is the real me.... nightmares, yes.... it's all part of trying to integrate parts of you that have been traumatised. It does get better, and it does get easier to handle things as you learn about the condition. This forum is an excellent place to do that and to get familiar with what you're dealing with.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi Malia, welcome to the forum. My answer to your questions are also yes- I scare myself a lot. I've remembered things recently that I'd hidden away from myself for years. It's frightening. I'm sorry you're struggling with agoraphobia, it's not something (touch wood) I've particularly struggled with.

I agree with those who've posted above me- look at the info pages from Anthony, it's really useful to help gain an understanding with PTSD. And for me at least, I felt less 'odd' when I realised I'm not alone with this.

Peace, Ice_Fire

 

[Malia]

Thank you all so much! I will definitely take a good look around here. I'm glad there are sites like this available!

Thank you KP!

Gizmo, I'm not sure...I definitely need to look into that. There's a mental health facility near me that I'll have to find out more about!

Helliepig, thank you! That makes more sense about the nightmares. I never really thought about them having a purpose before. That definitely makes me feel a lot better. I am thinking about studying Psychology this fall. I want to know more about these kind of things and the affects trauma has on the brain. (If I can get out of the house that is.)

 

[Malia]

Ice_Fire, it really is strange to think that your mind hides things from itself. Does it just wait until you're ready to cope? That's pretty amazing. I guess I blame myself a lot for pretty much everything. I feel like if I had remembered some of these things that are coming back to me, maybe it would have been a warning for me to stay away and be careful. I don't know, maybe it would have just made things harder...

It will definitely help to read about other peoples experiences. It's hard being new to this and having loved ones want to help because I don't know what they can do. I don't even know where I should begin.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Honestly? I can't answer your question. It still baffles me, confuses me. But by being here I've realised I'm not alone. Blaming myself for everything, yup! I know I don't need to, and I should look after myself. The same is true for you. I don't think it would have served as a warning (although I'm only speculating as I don't know you well enough to say) I think it would have frightened and traumatized you further maybe?

I'm glad you have people around you who care. It helps, being alone with this sucks. Although that was partly my own fault, but that's a whole other story! :rolleyes:

You've got us here now too. Keep reading and I hope you can sort something out therapy wise.

 

[Helliepig]

A sort of quick answer as I've experienced and understood it - trauma overwhelms the brain and a young child's ability to cope and so it gets split off, dissociated, often in seperate fragments, some containing the sight, some the fear, so it's like scattered around, out of awareness, so that the system can continue to function. It becomes so well hidden not only do you have no idea it's there, but it's damn hard to get at.. and when it comes out, it's in it's unintegrated pure form, reexperienced as it was the first time round, ie it feels unbearable.

So, you might get a sudden visual flashback that feels familiar but also oddly "not you", - it's not a part of you you've ever owned or connected up with your sense of self before. Or if it's just feelings, your body can be overwhelmed with physical symptoms, or fear, but you have no idea why.. nightmares and dreams are often where this stuff breaks through into the subconcious first then gradually you get the stuff coming through in the day.. gradually as you integrate it you become more you, but without the intrusive stuff and you feel better...

Once you start experiencing some of this for youself it becomes a lot clearer, before then it's incomprehensible!!

 

[OKRADLAK]

Just my opinion.......I really think that PTSD damages the brain. I do not know if it is permanent or not. Others here might be better able to answer that.

There are many things I have learned here, though, that help. Someone here, I can't remember who, said that the brain is easy to trick once you know how. I have found that is true in some things. Other things it keeps tricking me.

I hope you find hope and help here. Sometimes you just have to go with it, go though the phases of both hurt and healing. There is light, and it's up and down, but there are many who are on the same path.