Frightening Symptoms And Fear Of Meds

[krikkit]

Okay ...

I'm pretty scared to write this out, but I need help from anyone who has experienced it or felt similar.

I had my medication cocktail changed a few times.. The psychiatrist ignored warning signs like high liver enzyme levels and upped the medications when they started to become ineffective. At that point, I developed Stevens-Johnson. (Warning: if you are sensitive to mutilated looking skin or severe medical conditions, please don't google this. It's an auto-immune disorder in reaction to medication that mostly attacks your mucus membranes [organs, eyes, nose and genitals] and skin, causing the attacked surface to die and sluff off). I nearly died. I've become intensely scared of adding or changing medications - but there's a big problem.

Now my symptoms are changing. I don't want to hurt anybody. I have never, ever WANTED to hurt anybody. But my passing suicidal ideation is beginning to incorporate homicidal ideation. And it's not just "people who have hurt me or who hurt others", sometimes it happens to be directed at anyone who is around me. I have found myself genuinely wishing I had a trigger in my hands to explode and level a floor of the mall. I absolutely want to take out everyone around me, regardless of who they are.

That really frightens me. At the time, it doesn't seem strange. It feels appropriate and comforting. But later it'll hit me that my thoughts are beginning to go this way and I get scared. I just don't like it.

Obviously I'm looking for a new therapist ASAP (I have not seen one since my last one dismissed me for being "too unstable" for her training). I wanted to talk to others too, though. Could this be a reaction to the stress of being in large, noisy places? Or maybe a reaction to the medication? I'm so against hurting anyone, no matter what, that its honestly making me feel insane that these moments are coming and going of feeling that it is utterly okay and not only that, totally desirable.

I'm also terrified of changing my meds. I don't like the weeks of waiting to see if my brain will change in the appropriate way or if I will develop side effects. Right now I'm taking the least amount of medication possible, which isn't healthy because even on the best days it isn't covering my symptoms: a continuous-release Xanax and Emsam. I've suffered hallucinations, total memory loss, erratic manic behavior and developed Stevens-Johnson in reaction to previous cocktails. I don't know what to do.

As of right now I have no concrete plans to hurt myself or anyone else. So I figured now would be the time to ask.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Hi Krikkit, I just want you to know you are being heard. I'm listening and supporting you. I'm very sorry you've suffered so much from the Meds. Thank you for sharing everything here, we all learn from each other throughout this madness. I just don't have anything really intelligent to say right this minute. I want to think about this one and come back later with some helping thoughts for you.

I'm sure your not alone in feeling this way. And you really need good T to help you address this issue with you ASAP as you said. I hope you find someone soon.

Solo

 

[brokenlife]

Krikkit, I can understand what feelings you are having. I can only tell you what I do that sometimes helps.

Walking or other exercise is always good. Entertainment, tv and movies, distracts me. But I have learned to mix it up and choose the time of day for certain subject matter. I like to watch a comedy before I go to bed. But during the day I will watch almost anything, unless it is disturbing.

My friends have all moved away or died, so having someone to talk with is a problem. I hope you have a friend or friends to talk with. I used to have a long list of people who I could phone to set up a tennis match. If some were busy, one was always available. You might want to make a list of people to do things with, so you will always have that option.

Since I don't work now, eating the right things has become important. I eat very little junk food. Candy does not appeal to me anymore. For me, beans and cornbread is hard to beat.(: But, I do drink too much; usually at night to get to sleep. I hope you are able to get enough sleep. I know how bad I feel if I don't get enough sleep.

Well, that's what I do when people do really mean things toward me and I have no way to get the anger out. It took me 50 years to figure out what I needed to do to keep an even keel. Hope you soon figure out what it is that you need to do to bring some peace into your life.

 

[gms1976]

I understand how you feel and how anxiety can build intensely around something like meds. It's your lifeline and what you depended on and now you feel like a mess and yet fear changing to something else because it could be worse...

I've been there. I've been on so many antidepressants over the years prior to my PTSD diagnosis...Lexapro, Zoloft, Seraquel, Paxil, Prozac, Abilify, Wellbutrin, Effexor and more...I started fearing each one worse than the next because none of them seemed to work for long or work at all. I'm now on Lamictal for my Bipolar mood disorder. I don't take anything for PTSD.

My friend, you are right to look for a new therapist. You need to be sure to try to look for a psychologist who specializes in PTSD. I would stay away from psychiatrists. From my personal experience, most of them couldn't find their butts with two hands and a map. I formally fired my last one. I wrote him a letter and told him he was fired and what a moron he was. It was liberating! I get my regular doc to prescribe my meds and he coordinates with my therapist. That psychiatrist endangered your life and honestly I would report him to the medical board or something.

It's scary and hard, but you've come this far! :D You got through the side-effects and that is incredibly hard to do - I'm a RN and I know. You should be given a standing ovation. Hell, the damn president should be shaking your hand.:)

It sounds as though your urge to attack others could come from an inner need to defend yourself "before they get me". It's a way to lash out and make sure no one hurts you. Hon, I think you might be right that loud noisy places may be a sensory overload for you and kick your defense mechanisms into high gear and that urge to hurt others might be a reflex emotion because sensory overload can feel like an emotional attack or onslaught. Hang in there and try to get a new therapist ASAP. You need support and you need to know you're not alone - because you're not. We're all here for you.

Try track your moods and see what could possibly be triggering the anger and feelings. Maybe keep a diary or something - doesn't have to be long, just enough to make notes.

Keep us posted.

G

 

[Srain]

Medication side effects and withdrawals can be brutal, I'm so sorry you have had a rough time of it, I don't blame you for being concerned about it. I've had my share and had read about the Stevens-Johnson so my heart truly goes out to you. :(

As far as the rage goes, whether towards yourself or others, I feel like that certainly can be pin-pointed to PTSD and might well be addressed in trauma therapy. GMS said it well and for me, it is also overwhelming pain turned anger that has been unleashed emotionally either inward or out when memories start or actually materialize. Therapy can help to teach us how to express those feelings in a less destructive manner as well understand where they are coming from and how to level them off.

Take good care.
Peace,
Rain

 

[krikkit]

Thank you for the support and advice, all. I contacted a new therapist who specializes in EMDR, for now I just let my caretaker know about my shifting symptoms and we're going to work on just keeping exposure to big crowds low and controlled until I've had time to work with a professional for a bit.

 

[gms1976]

Good for you. One day at a time. That's all. Keep us posted!

Hugs

G.