Relationship From Bliss To Shut Out...need Help Understanding.

[cherrybamm]

I am a first time poster but have been very impressed by the things I have read so here goes.

I am dating a combat vet with what I was told was mild/moderate PTSD. He has never been abusive in any way. After almost a year of things being wonderful, getting engaged, and planning to add more children to our family he all of the sudden packed up his stuff one day while I was at work and left without saying a word. A few weeks prior to his leaving we had a disagreement about a very large financial decision. When told what he wanted to do was not viable he threw what to me seemed to be almost a week long tantrum. He spoke to me in a very disrespectful manner (which he had never done before). I sat him down and clearly let him know that his behavior was completely unacceptable and would not be tolerated. After that he became less and less attentive and began staying away more and more. He began to ignore the children and showed very little affection to any of us. Finally, after another argument, I decided to confront him and address these issues as we had never had trouble talking before what some of you refer to as "The Change". I came home and he was gone.

I have tried going to talk to him multiple times and he says he wants to be together but continuously avoids talking about the issues by changing the subject or just not responding all together. I told him I understood he was having issues and simply asked only that he let me know he was doing alright and I was available to listen if/when he was ready to talk. I didn't hear from him for almost a week after he gave me his word I would hear from him the next day. The only communication he gives me is through text msg. I have even asked if he was seeing someone else but he didn't even acknowledge the text. He has not once apologized for his actions or asked about my children (who are hurt and do not understand why he left, and I have explained this to him as well) He chooses to stay elsewhere and has not returned home at all. All the while, he continues to send random text messages asking how I am or other completely mundane things but refuses to respond to anything that may have any level of importance.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and let him know how I was feeling after another one of his messages figuring I had nothing to lose as he had shut me out anyway. I feel guilty for being so blunt with him but I couldn't let it not be said. I felt like I had to at least get it out. Am I wrong to expect him to be big enough to come to me face to face and tell me he wants it to be over? Are these messages an attempt to reach out or are they possibly his idea of keeping the connection?

Thanks,
Cherry

 

[Bilby]

Cherrybamm,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds as though you had a very healthy relationship before this :(

I think you have done the right thing by pointing out to him that the way he spoke to you was not acceptable. I also think you have done the right thing by letting him know exactly how you feel about his behaviour since he has left the home. It can be an incredibly hard thing to be assertive and to set boundaries (it seems to be a very common problem within PTSD relationships from what I can tell) but they are very important. PTSD or not, some things are just not on.

He has not once apologized for his actions or asked about my children (who are hurt and do not understand why he left, and I have explained this to him as well) He chooses to stay elsewhere and has not returned home at all.

This is awful, and I truly feel for you, and your children. He is being so incredibly hurtful towards them. They are totally innocent in this situation.

It sounds to me as though he is making very clear decisions about what he will and won't communicate with you about. Obviously he has some issues to contend with, having PTSD, but to outright refuse to communicate with you regarding your children isn't on - what if there was an emergency? How would he feel then?

It's not ok for him to refuse to communicate with you about the issues that really count. I know that PTSD sufferers need their space and often need time to themselves - that's fine, but letting you know this is what they need is also necessary in order for us to be able to be respectful and understanding of that. Just taking off isn't alright, particularly when there are children involved. If it is space and time he needs, then conveying that to you would let you know where things are at, but instead he is just keeping the lines of communication open about mundane things.

I don't think it's too much to expect an apology when there has been behaviour that warrants it.

I truly feel for you. I am feel for your husband too, with respect to the fact that he has PTSD, but his behaviour towards you and your children is not ok and can't be excused by PTSD.

Take care.

B x

P.S. None of this is meant to sound abrupt or rude so I sincerely apologise if it does! :) I just feel so much for you and your little ones, it truly saddens me to think that their Father has just disappeared from their lives :(

 

[discarded]

Hi Cherrybamm. I have been married for nearly 28 years, the last 7 my husband has suffered from PTSD. The last 18 months have been extremely difficult. I made the decision to leave to give him space to sort himself out, that was 3 months ago. Things have been very up and down. He can talk to me easily about trivial things but if I mention our relationship at all, he either gets extremely angry or upset, or just goes silent. I have seen first hand the dramatic changes brought on by PTSD. I understood very little about the illness until I found this forum. I do think your partner's behaviour is fairly typical of a PTSD sufferer, unable to cope with, feel or give emotion. I find it hard to cope with. I am struggling with what it all means for my marriage, is it over, is it on hold, does he love me, did he ever love me. He certainly isn't about to give me the answers I am searching for. I don't believe he has the answers.

My husband has little contact with our children, we have 4, 3 adult children with partners and an 11 year old daughter. He rarely interacts with any of them and usually only at their instigation. He is content for me to have sole care of our 11 year old and has only seen her twice on his own in the 3 months since we moved out, once again because I set it up for our daughter's sake. I honestly believe the PTSD is causing the way he feels and his resulting lack of interest. The more pressure I put on him for commitment to our daughter and myself the more he pulls away. It is extremely hard and I will hang in there for a while yet in the hope that he will get treatment and want us in his life again. But I know I have my limits and I am slowly reaching it.

I know it is hard when you love some one so much that you would do anything to help them, but with PTSD that help is often not welcomed easily. I too am hurting like you, uncertain of what the future holds, not knowing what I should do that will be best for all of us. I have explained to our children that their father is not well at the moment, that he needs time and space to get better. How much time I do not know, but I do believe that deep down he does love us all even if he is not able to show it right now.

I have learned the hard way that pushing for answers does not help, that I need to accept that there are times when I need to back off and let things go. It doesn't seem fair but there is no option, if he doesn't want to answer you or communicate, he just won't. I know it sucks and I struggle a lot and feel ripped off a lot, as I am sure you do too. Hang in there, take of yourself and your kids, that you can do.

 

[cherrybamm]

Thank you to both of you for your responses!

Bilby-- I am in no way offended. I actually prefer the blunt approach to issues.
You are correct. We had an all around great relationship before this. Tons of communication, intimacy, and openness. Just to clarify, the children are not his but he went as far as to tell them they could call him their dad and asked me about adoption in the future. Comprehending the complete lack of interest in them now is one of the harder parts for me. I am about out of patience for the entire situation. As it stands I have had a few urgent situations since he left and as much as I would have liked to have him come rushing back to help, I chose to handle them alone. I believe if he wants to be here he should do it of his own accord, not because of any situation that arises. I parented alone and managed a home for many years on my own and I decided I am going to continue to do as I did before he arrived in our lives. It took me over two years to agree to a date (though he never stopped asking) but could he really leave that easily? I feel like the messages might be an attempt to keep me waiting till he thinks he is ready or could he really not know how much hurt he is dealing out by being so cold and robotic and uncaring?

Discarded, My heart goes out to you as well. The only thing I can tell you is that we all have our limits and you are the only one who can choose how much hurt you are going to allow yourself and your children. After 28 years, you obviously have a huge amount vested. I know for me, one of the things I keep wondering is if he does come back...will he just do this to us again in the future? How many times can I expect myself and my children to be strong enough for this? It sounds as though you are doing what is right for you right now and may be facing some hard decisions in the future, whichever way it goes. Good luck to you.