Sufferer From Childhood Neglect And Abuse To A Controlling (ex)spouse And More...

[Lainey]

I just found this forum this morning... I was looking for a local support group and this came up in the search... I thought this might work better for me anyway. I'm not the best at communicating about this area in my life so I apologize now for not being more eloquent.

My parents really shouldn't have ever had a child, but they did and I'm the result. They were always very neglectful and abusive. We lived in places where I could see light through the walls and never knew what my next meal might be. We were homeless on many occasions. When I was 14 my mother "went to the laundromat" and was only God knows where for several months. She was escaping the abuse of my father, but left me in the wake. I was then his main target. By 15 I was on my own. I always considered myself a survivor. I later had a son and got married to a very controlling man, but after my step-daughter passed away (cancer) he threw my son and I out. I started over again, no biggie right? Well through all of this I just repressed my feelings. My mother always told me to suffer in silence that no one wanted to hear it. I guess I took it to heart too much.

I've actually met a really great guy that I've been with for almost 3 years now. Now is where it gets complicated (for me anyway). I started having waves of emotion that didn't make sense to me, then flashbacks, and nightmares. I think it's just time to deal with my past before it consumes my future too. I almost feel paralyzed by the anxiety. I don't feel or look like myself. I don't even act like myself anymore. I'm very distant to most. I don't know where to go from here or how I got here, but this is my first baby step... I always thought I was so strong, but now I feel so weak...

 

[BigBear]

Hi Lainey,

I apologize now for not being more eloquent.

How would you say "they hated me" eloquently? Really, talking about it is good enough.

I started over again, no biggie right?

Wrong, we had to love them to start with. Their dumping us hurt! I know I should just speak for my self, but that's what I expect you feel even though you try to cover it up.

I've actually met a really great guy that I've been with for almost 3 years now. Now is where it gets complicated (for me anyway). I started having waves of emotion that didn't make sense to me, then flashbacks, and nightmares.

That is very much how it happens for many sufferers. Do remember that you want him to understand. It's very important that you help him see what you are feeling. He can't be part of your life, if you won't let him. Additionally, you may be afraid that he won't be able to take it. As long as you honor him with honesty and don't abuse him, he needs to be responsible to you by helping. If he won't then I don't know that you need him in your life.

I'm glad you are here!

Bear

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Lainey and welcome,

I am sad to say, you are not alone on the deserting mother thing, mine walked out when I was 14 and left me with him. She showed back up about a year later.

This is a grand place, full of fellowship and inspiration.

Can I ask, have you had a diagnosis of PTSD from someone or is it something you believe from personal research? While your symptoms sound familiar, there could be other explanations from within the family of anxiety disorders, or even a biomedical source.

Try to be kind to yourself,

PW

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, my mom moved out while I was gone, and left me a note saying I would be better off with him.
My heart goes out to you. I agree with Pale Warrior, you need a proper diagnosis and a qualified therapist that you will trust to help you sort through all of this.

I am happy you have a man that loves you. It is important to keep him informed about what you are going through. You have suffered and endured so much. You are not alone.

I'm glad you found this place. Lots of really kind and supportive people here to assist you as you ask for help. Take care and try not to beat yourself up.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Pale Warrior]

And as a suporter, let me echo Gizmo's comment.

Try to be patient with your man, talk to him gently and let him know that it's not his fault. Living with someone with an anxiety disorder can be... confusing and complicated at times.

 

[Lainey]

Thanks everyone for the support. I was diagnosed not too long ago. I've started to take something for the anxiety too. I'm just now reaching out to others "like" me. I know we are all different, but it's good to know I'm not alone...

So how do I communicate to him what is going on in a way that he'll understand?... He seems patient, but frustrated at the same time... 0_o

 

[BigBear]

For a sufferer like you, typically, there is a child hiding inside. A good man will always respond to that delicate child part of you. I know it may be hard, but if you can let it out, it will touch his heart.

As another point, if he could find this forum and hear what life is like for you guys, I'm sure that would help him too. But it is more important that you are here than that he is. See what you think...

HTH,

Bear

 

[Pale Warrior]

Lainey, try not to over think it. Honestly, if it was diabetes or some other medical disorder that would potentially impact on both of your lives, you would sit down together and talk about it.

If he is worth a damn he will listen and care enough to want to find out more and how he can support you.

From my seat in the supporter section, I really need my husband to talk to me or give me agreed signals when things are going down hill for him or I needed to back off. Good luck, I am sure he will be responsive and don't forget, sometimes it's easier to discuss the symptom not the cause.

 

[Lainey]

Thanks, I really needed that.

 

[Kitten]

Welcome Lainey!

Although my abuse was by different people in my life, your story brought me close to tears.

I have recently joined the group and what you are describing is so close to what I am currently dealing with it's scary! I have high hopes for finding answers for myself, and I hope that you do too.

I'm here if you'd like to talk :)

-K

 

[bitzer]

... I apologize ...

There's no need to apologise for existing here. You are welcome.

I always considered myself a survivor.

There's so much more to life than surviving.

... no biggie right? ... suffer in silence ...

Yes biggie. Yes very biggie.

I've actually met a really great guy that I've been with for almost 3 years now.

Congratulations. Well done.

But, if you're like me, as soon as you get to care about someone, you start to feel the need to push them away... It's like they have way too much power over you. It doesn't feel safe.

The problem is "earthlings" can take it for granted that you're going to be there for them, and we can't. We know what it's like to be dependent on someone, only for that someone to abandon us. We are always waiting for that other shoe to drop.

That gives "earthlings" a power over us. They can handle rejection and we can't. The only way to be in control, is to get your rejection in first...

I always thought I was so strong, but now I feel so weak...

You are not weak. I can see you are courageous because you have taken a chance. I can see that you want to make your relationship work, and that makes you a caring person. Don't listen to the parent voices in your head - there's nothing wrong with you.