Frustrated

[Taylor30313]

A friend of the family is a therapist and I was seeing him for about a year and a half.. Then, it stopped. Eventually I contacted him and we talked about getting together and meeting up, but it never panned out. Now quite a few months later and still nothing. I've had so many guys in my life and they all give up and leave me. I trusted this man. I idolized him and he betrayed me. I talked to him a couple months ago and he has a new job. I have tried texting him and I get a couple texts back, then no response. f*ck. Its not fair. He told me I was special. That my story was special. I never believe someone who says nice things to me, but I believed him. I want him to feel bad for leaving me. But all I say is, "I'm happy for you and your new job." and then I try to really be happy for him. How can he be a therapist and then be like nope I'm going to do something else with the snap of his fingers? How can you do that to people who need you? With out any referral or anything. He did a lot for me and believe me I am so grateful! I love him as a person and he is so smart. That's why this is so out of character for him. It just really hurts to feel so... replaceable.

 

[Ghostybear73]

A friend of the family is a therapist and I was seeing him for about a year and a half..

Were you seeing him as a patient or as a in a relationship? I think that is going to make a difference in the responses you get to your questions

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like that was an extremely unhealthy therapist/client relationship. Sort of why I'm always telling people to keep it in check, that the therapist/client relationship can end at any moment for any reason (as it did with you) so if you become overly attached, you end up with even more attachment issues than you originally started with. At the end of the day it was a professional relationship that ended. I hope you can find a new therapist who doesn't have ties to your family. (I honestly don't think it was quite ethical for him to take you on as a client since he was a friend of the family.)

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Solara , I'm still wondering if their was a client/pt relationship to begin with. It sounds like it, but it also sounds as though they could have been dating and she was never his patient, which is what I was asking in my post. If she was a client of his, then I agree with you on both the issue of them having a relationship after being her therapist and the fact that he is a family friend, which should have been a conflict of interest for him as a professional.

 

[Justmehere]

@Taylor30313

I have seen two friend of the family therapists before. Yep, more than one. They both ended in my being abruptly abandoned. I trusted them very deeply - they all said the same things. I was unique and gifted and my story was a treasure and special. It took years before I tried therapy again. I wondered too how they could care so much and then leave. (I saw them 10 years apart).

They were too close to be objective themselves about if they could sustain a theraputic relationship with me.

I have also now worked with a trauma therapist who does not know my family. I have struggled to trust her after the two family friend therapists. Bir it's been totally worth it to try again. It's totally different when the therapist doesn't personally know my family. She values me, Cares about me and what I have been through on a very deep level, and yet there's something different. It's all a job to her, no conflict of interests, and so she is better able to hang in with me through it all. Oh, I go through seasons of idolizing her - that's called positive transference and happens a lot when we are heard and cared about for the first time. This transfer eve was so much stronger for me with the family friend therapists - and so was their own counter transference feelings to me and how much they genuinely wanted to help.

What this guy did by dropping you with no refferal is absolute patient abandonment. In the US, therapists are prohibited by law from doing this - because it's so wrong. Sometimes therapists do it because hey realize they are caught in their own counter transference junk and they don't know how to handle it.

It's not you, nor your fault. This jerk totally dropped the ball on a professional level - and it's all the more hurtful because he knows you, and your family. It's doesn't mean his care and concern for you wasn't real - it just means he is a crappy therapist who didn't follow the law to even give you a refferal.

The good work you did with him is not all lost, but this guy really screwed up. I would suggest reporting him to his licensing board for patient abandonment so he gets the message and doesn't do it again to others.

 

[arfie]

I've had so many guys in my life and they all give up and leave me. I trusted this man. I idolized him and he betrayed me. I talked to him a couple months ago and he has a new job. I have tried texting him and I get a couple texts back, then no response. f*ck. Its not fair. He told me I was special.

I am only a patient and have never been on the other side of transference, but I have come to think it was a great act of professional maturity when my most admired therapist stepped back when I was at this stage. I was in my 20s back then. Now, at 60, I wonder if he was the first mature man I had ever interacted with. I had known lots and lots of horny brats in old man costumes, but this was the first man I offered myself to who was able to step back and be the grownup within the relationship. But that is me...

Gentle support while you sort your own, unique set of dynamics, Taylor.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Taylor

The patient- therapist relationship is unique.

A T is there to assist you in recovery - validation of your experience and feelings and assisting your recovery are where it starts and where it finishes. The T cannot allow any other interests to intrude from their side. Romance, sexual interest etc cannot be allowed to intrude.

Therapy for someone who has been traumatized is extra difficult for the T. The whole process is haunted by the abuse and the abuser. The Trauma destroyed any feelings of safety and trust. On the one hand it is natural to want the T to be an idealised saviour, on the other it is natural to distrust, fear and resent anyone who gets close.

A T is only human and will make mistakes, and it is very easy for their identity to instantly swap from saviour to surrogate abuser, and, as the T is no where near as scary as the actual abuser - it is very easy for the T to end up on the receiving end of all of the hurt and rage, the feelings of abandonment and betrayal - and the wishes for revenge.

That entirely natural dialectic of feeling both rejected and abandoned, and at the same time angry comes across very strongly in what you wrote.

A friend of the family, or someone whom you have romantic feelings for (or who has them for you), is the wrong person for the job. I'm sorry that you are back to the begining, having been hurt again. Hugs if you'll have them :hug:

 

[GWhizz]

I recently quit therapy because my therapist allowed me 'special' privileges that she never had allowed anyone else. For example, she allowed email/text 24/7 because she felt I was that special exception. But I concluded that it's a bad idea for them to allow special boundaries etc. At the end of the day therapy is never permanent and they can't be there for you in the way that someone in your personal life can be. I do think it's unfair that we get led on when were already so fragile and vulnerable. I actually had to pull back to protect myself. And I'm glad I did - because in the end she wasn't there for me when I needed her to be. Like @Solara said, it can end before you know it so it's not a good idea for a therapist to allow that dependency.

I do have to stress though. If a therapist changes job and is no longer available to you, they have no obligation to be there for you as you're no longer a client. It's not that you're 'replaceable', it's that you're not part of their work dynamic anymore. Sorry if it sounds harsh but to be brutally honest, if you expect some sort of relationship beyond the scope of therapeutic, then you need to check yourself and maybe look for a new therapist to talk this out with. It's dangerous ground to try to push a relationship if it's closed, and in the longrun it will not help your healing overall.

Please try to speak with another professional and seek an unbiased opinion on it to help your perspective. I do understand the complicated feelings of transference etc if this is what it is. But I have just begun to feel normal again now I've taken a step back and gotten my independence back. Therapists need to help to teach you ways of coping outside of therapy and beyond them. They can't be there for us outside of therapy, besides the odd urgent distress call etc if agreed. Believe me, I wish my T could be there for me forever in so many more ways, but I need to find those supports in my 'real' life outside of therapy.

Best of luck

 

[GWhizz]

Wow @Anarchy that was really insightful - well said

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Taylor30313 You are 21 and your therapist was how old? The way you are talking about it sounds like there less then professional feelings from him and I woner if he used you. Sounds like an asshole honestly....He shouldn't have taken a patient related to people he knew.

You have a lot of mixed feelings and confusion in your post and that is understandable. I would report him like @Justmehere said and then maybe look into another therapist, one that can help work through this and then help you with the whole reason you went into therapy in the first place.

 

[Taylor30313]

Were you seeing him as a patient or as a in a relationship? I think that is going to make a difference in the responses you get to your questions

Oh my gosh! lol. I didn't even notice that. As a therapist! He's about 58 and Im 21 hahaha.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Taylor,
It can happen all too easily, please do not think that the guys are getting the wrong idea about you by asking. It is in the nature of trauma for it to be re-enacted, and if it does happen, it is a complete breech of trust and ethics on the part of the T, for allowing the abuse to be acted out again in an environment which should have been safe.

In no way would it be a criticism of you.