Frustration In February

[Matilda]

I'm positive there has to be someone who can relate to me. February is a difficult month because it's when my life spiraled down a deep hole that took up till recently to mostly recover from last year. It's also the month following the assault 4 years ago, when I spent most days incredibly nervous of it happening again. This year though, it's difficult for a different reason. February 14 is Valentine's day and now that I'm in a relationship, that means he's going to come visit me from his college to spend the day together.
I'm so frustrated with myself. In the beginning I really, really did like him. But after all that happened this past year, I'm just completely numb to affection for any guy really. He always tries flirting with me and he tells me that he loves me, but I can't reciprocate these feelings. I get frustrated with him because he hasn't gone through anything in his life. It's not his fault, but I just feel like I'm on a seperate platform from him because of everything I've gone through. I feel like that towards most people from my past now.
I'm trying, I keep looking up ideas to do on Valentines day and trying to get myself the slightest bit excited towards it, but it's not working.
We've never had any physical contact outside of a quick hug and that's because I'm not comfortable with physical contact from a guy. And in the rare moments that I wouldn't mind if he held my hand, he doesn't try initiating contact. He's always too nervous to make a risk. I just find him immature only because he hasn't had a rough past at all outside of his insecurities.
I don't know what I want.
I don't really want a guy, I don't want a relationship, and lately I don't feel like ever getting married or being in a committed relationship. I was never like this, even after the assault I dreamed of getting married and finding mr. perfect, but now...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting a relationship right now. I think you should be true to your own wants and needs at this point. I know that many people end up cutting ties with people from their past as trauma and PTSD can really change a person (I'm not saying only in bad ways). That is, as we change, the people we used to know don't always change with us. There is nothing wrong with deciding that you aren't compatible with someone and moving on. The good thing is that there are others out there who will be compatible with this newer version of you.

 

[Nam]

Because of your current feelings, I would try to post pone the date. At least until March. It is so normal to feel this numbness during anniversaries. Sometimes they lift pretty unceremoniously. Other times, it brings up some left over feelings to work through. I wouldn't make any decisions about this guy while you are in this numb stage. I wouldn't go either way. Just explain that February isn't a good month. Can we do V-day in March or April?

You might be surprised at how well untarnished people can empathize. My hubby is one of those kinds of people.

 

[Matilda]

Because of your current feelings, I would try to post pone the date. At least until March. It is so normal to feel this numbness during anniversaries. Sometimes they lift pretty unceremoniously. Other times, it brings up some left over feelings to work through. I wouldn't make any decisions about this guy while you are in this numb stage. I wouldn't go either way. Just explain that February isn't a good month. Can we do V-day in March or April?

You might be surprised at how well untarnished people can empathize. My hubby is one of those kinds of people.

The thing is I've grown numb since october, not just the month of february and it's only been getting worse each month

 

[Nam]

Are you in therapy?

 

[Matilda]

Are you in therapy?

I was but I stopped in January because of my schedule. That and I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with my therapist

 

[Nam]

I urge you to get a different therapist. Preferably one that has trauma experience. The numbness will eventually start to become intense. The inability to cry, to have emotions will start to build up. Relief of it normally will have something to do with self-harm. It is indeed something to address with a professional just as much as a person that has anger issues, or suicidal thoughts. Numbness is hard to crack even with a therapist, so I don't expect you to be able to by yourself or with an understanding partner.

 

[Matilda]

That was me in october. I became so numb that I had several meltdowns and I had to drop out of college and go to the therapist. I improved tremendously and in December my therapist even asked if I still wanted to continue seeing her (she specializes in sexual violence) because I didn't seem to be improving since I had improved so much. Now I just struggle in romantic relationships

 

[KwanYingirl]

Are you clinically depressed?

 

[Matilda]

I may be. I struggled with depression from November 2013 to this summer and then in the fall it became very severe which is when I began to see my therapist. As I said, I've improved a lot and I don't struggle with it as much