- Post starter
- #13
Thank you all so much. It feels amazing to have a handful of people support you when there's no one in real life to do it.
I did end up attending the funeral, and I did well. It was my first funeral since I was 6 years old. I was the only person wearing all black (bc Poppa just wasn't about getting all dressed up). And since I was probably the person traveling from farthest, I was the last to arrive.
I went straight to my mom, crying. I cried with people I recognized but couldn't have guessed their names for a million dollars. I hugged my cousins, the hardest was my cousin Jillian who is getting married next year. She spoke about how Poppa will miss the most important day in her life.
But I didn't have to really SEE my father. During the service, he, Grammy, and my aunt were seated in front and everyone else stood. Afterwards, we all drank Bud and Bud Light (Poppa's favorite) some smoked cigarettes (another one of Poppa's favorite things) and mingled. I first went to my brothers, then cousins joined in. It was nice to see people who I rarely saw as it was before I broke off connection with my father. And to see people I hadn't seen in many, many years who I'm not even sure if I'm related to but I would totally approach in public with a hug.
He did wander over at a point, but I never said a word. Didn't even look at the millions-of-ways-to-describe. And then it was done, my mom walked me to my car.
I'm glad I went, but honestly I don't know the next time I'll be able to be within sight of him without releasing some anger in some form or another. And I think part of the clarity I have on that is because I went.
I got a rose from the day, I keep it attached to a dreamcatcher my younger brother made for me that hangs in my bedroom.
<3
I did end up attending the funeral, and I did well. It was my first funeral since I was 6 years old. I was the only person wearing all black (bc Poppa just wasn't about getting all dressed up). And since I was probably the person traveling from farthest, I was the last to arrive.
I went straight to my mom, crying. I cried with people I recognized but couldn't have guessed their names for a million dollars. I hugged my cousins, the hardest was my cousin Jillian who is getting married next year. She spoke about how Poppa will miss the most important day in her life.
But I didn't have to really SEE my father. During the service, he, Grammy, and my aunt were seated in front and everyone else stood. Afterwards, we all drank Bud and Bud Light (Poppa's favorite) some smoked cigarettes (another one of Poppa's favorite things) and mingled. I first went to my brothers, then cousins joined in. It was nice to see people who I rarely saw as it was before I broke off connection with my father. And to see people I hadn't seen in many, many years who I'm not even sure if I'm related to but I would totally approach in public with a hug.
He did wander over at a point, but I never said a word. Didn't even look at the millions-of-ways-to-describe. And then it was done, my mom walked me to my car.
I'm glad I went, but honestly I don't know the next time I'll be able to be within sight of him without releasing some anger in some form or another. And I think part of the clarity I have on that is because I went.
I got a rose from the day, I keep it attached to a dreamcatcher my younger brother made for me that hangs in my bedroom.
<3
