Funnies

[OldDoorGunner]

Mostly for us old Nam Vets
The Importance of walking

1- Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $ 4,000 per month.

2- My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have
no idea where the hell he is.

3- I like long walks, especially when they
are taken by people who annoy me.

4- The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5- I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

6- I joined a health club last year,
spent about $ 250.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

7- Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8- I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9- The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10- If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11- I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

12- We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13- Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,I look just fine.

 

[Spock]

 

[fwduff]

 

[fwduff]

 

[Spock]

 

[Spock]

 

[OldDoorGunner]

A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

”Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.” “It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re just glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.” ”Not a problem” said the father, you made it here, that’s what really counts.

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you kids for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very, very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep,” said the father, “And cheap ones too!”

 

[Zenmaster1]

Check this out

Obama's New Health Care Package
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the entire idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass holes in Washington.

 

[Jimmy1]

 

[Raven]

Typo or joke?

 

[Chin Strapped]

For all you Beiber haters out there, he really isn't such a bad kid, look...

Off the wife's Facebook, she knew I would like it.

 

[Spock]